harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 59
Yarmulke Boy  Jewish Rules Irving the Dog
Jewish Holidays A Jewish Actor Kosher Computer
New Jewish Zen Chaim the Yankele Synagogue Newsletters
  You Know you were Brought up Jewish If: 
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Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...  
Kosher Computer

Made in Israel by DELLSHALOM It is selling at such a good price !!

If you or a friend are considering a Kosher computer, you should know that there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

The cursor moves from right to left.

Microsoft Office now includes,  "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that." It comes with two hard drives-one for:  fleyshedik (meat) business software  and one for milchedik (dairy) games.Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault"  error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."The Chanukah screen savers  include "Flying Dreidels".The PC also shuts down automatically  at sundown on Friday evenings.The "Start" button has been replaced with the  "Let's Go!! I'm Not Getting Any Younger!" button.When disconnecting external devices from the  back of my PC, you are instructed to  "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."Internet Explorer has a spinning  "Star of David" in the upper right corner.You will hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. 
When running "ScanDisk," it prompts with a  "You want I should fix this?" message.

When your PC is working too hard,  I occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"

Year 2000" issues were replaced by  "Year 5760-5761" issues.

After 20 minutes of no activity,  your PC would go "Schloffen."

Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from  Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of  the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.

After your computer dies,  you MUST dispose of it within 24 hours.

And of course the BEST Feature of all:

Kosher Computers DONT GET SPAM!

Jewish Rules
  1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
  2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
  3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
  4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
  5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.
  6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
  7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
  8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
  9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
  10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
  11. A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight.
  12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
  13. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
  14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
  15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
  16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
  17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
  18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job.
  19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
  20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
  21. srael is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
  22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
  23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
  24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
  25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
  26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
  27. It's not really a Jewish holiday if it isn't about eating or not eating.
  28. No matter what, you are never good enough for her daughter unless you are a doctor, and you will never be good enough for her son.
  29. Never pass up a chance to say "if only."
      AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
  30. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell  his mother that he is an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
A Jewish Actor

Dov, a Jewish actor, is so down and out he's ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally he gets a lead, a classified ad that says: "Actor needed to play ape." "I could do that," says Dov. To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the local zoo.

Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace their recently deceased one.

So until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer.

At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers.

And Dov feels undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move.

But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the attention, and starts to put on a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might whilst beating his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.

One day, when Dov is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den.

Terrified, Dov backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisrael Adonai Elokeinu Ad-nai Echad!"

The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuto L'olam Va'ed!"

From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up, you schmucks. 
You'll get us all fired!!!"

New Jewish Zen 

If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Those who know do not kibbitz. Those who kibbitz do not know.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Do not kvetch. Be a kvetch. Become one with your whining.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse.
The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer.
Ask only, Is it good for the Jews?"

To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have?  Bupkes !!

You Know you were Brought up Jewish If:

You watched Ed Sullivan every Sunday night, and your parents laughed out loud at Myron Cohen (if you don't know who Myron Cohen is, don't bother reading any further).
You spent your entire childhood thinking everyone calls pot roast "brisket."
You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you're in there longer than 3 minutes.

Your family dog responds to commands uttered in Yiddish.

Every Saturday morning was spent with your father at the neighborhood deli counter, stocking up on whitefish salad, whitefish ("chubs"), herring, corned beef, roast beef, spiced beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a half-dozen huge barrel pickles, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese, and rye bread (sliced while you wait) ... all of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday morning.
Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents.
You experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.

You had at least one female relative who draws eyebrows on her face and they are always asymmetrical.

You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha and bowties.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven. You were as tall as your grandfather by the age seven and a half. You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes. You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce. You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green. Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel bad for hurting her hand. You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it. You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kinahurra. You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby. You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor. Your grandparent's newly washed linoleum floor was covered with the NY Times, which your grandparents could not read. You thought speaking loud was normal. You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew School Free" card. You think eating half a bottle of dill pickles is a wholesome snack. You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "giant steel cannonballs" upon seeing the tiny, fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants. You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to NYC, and ship them home via FedEx. (Or, if you live near NYC or Philadelphia or another Jewish city hub, you drive 3 hours to the center of town just to buy a dozen "real" bagels.)

You can relate to any of the above.

Irving the Dog
Sol visits Abe and sees a dog in the house. "So what kind of dog is this?" asks Sol.

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving," says Abe.

"Watch this," continues Abe as he points to the dog.

"Irving, Fetch!"

Irving walks slowly to the door, then turns around and says,  "So why are you talking to me like that?  You always order me around like I'm nothing.  And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis...   You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet... It tastes like dreck!   YOU should eat it yourself!... And do you ever take me for a decent walk?  NO, it's out of the house, a short piss, and right back home.  Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!"

Sol, amazed, tells Abe how remarkable this is, to which Abe answers,

"I don't know, I think Irving has a hearing problem.  I said fetch, and he thought I said kvetch."

Yarmulke Boy 
When a young boy was asked by his father to say Maariv, he realized he didn't  have his yarmulke...so he asked his little brother, Moishale, to rest a hand on his head until Maariv was over.  Moishale grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. 

The father said, "This is important Moishale...put your hand back on Dovid's  head!" 

To which Moishale exclaimed: "What, am I my brother's kipah?

Chaim the Yankele

This article was originally published in Israel's daily online news magazine: the IsraelInsider By Beth Goodtree December 1, 2004 (about the Author)

When Faigey and Shmuel Foinbom realized they were about to become parents for the first time, they decided to move to America to give their child the opportunities they never had in Ekatrinislav.

It was an arduous journey, requiring many modes of transportation merely to get to Antwerp, where they boarded a boat for America. But finally they made it to Ellis Island and promptly moved in with cousins living on Second Ave and 5th Street, in New York City.

Three months later, Faigey presented Shmuel with a healthy baby boy whom they named Chaim. He was a beautiful baby, and as Faigey was proud to tell anyone who would listen, "our little Chaim is a true Yankele, born right here in our bedroom on 2nd Avenue!"

Chaim, although handsome and healthy, wasn't the brightest menorah in the window. The other children would say "When G-d was handing out brains, Chaim thought he said chrain and said 'No thanks, that smarts my tongue!'"

Chaim was not merely a little slow, he was a bi-lingual tsatskele. For example, his mother would say to him in her best English "Dahlink, go auht and play kotch mit your friends." Chaim would promptly look for a duck to throw back and forth.

Chaim thought a shpiel was the skin on a Jewish banana. To him, a yiddisher kop was a Jewish policeman, and zitsfleysh were pimples on a bar mitzvah boy. People would say of him that at least he was lucky he had such good looks and health. But what Chaim had in looks, he lacked in sechel. His first date was a prime example.

Chaim's parents had warned him about girls. "Don't date a big k'nocker," his father told him. "She'll only make you miserable." His mother had more advice. "Make sure she speaks the mama-loshin. You want a good Yiddeshe maideleh."

When Chaim brought his first date home to meet his parents he showed her off proudly. But all his parents could see was a scrawny, flat-chested Italian girl. "Vas is dis?" his father asked. "A shiksa?"

"But Papa, she's not a shiksa," Chaim protested. I got a girl with everything you said. "She's not a big k'nocker---her chest is flat as a board, and her mama uses a wonderful-smelling lotion on her psoriasis."

Faigey and Shmuel could only shake their heads and wonder idly if the priesthood would accept a good (if somewhat stupid), Jewish boy and thus keep him out of trouble with girls.

Well, somehow Chaim managed to graduate high school and wisely decided that college was not in his best interests. So he got a job. Chaim became the newest member of the NYC maintenance crew. He would happily spend his days painting fire hydrants and doing whatever it is that maintenance people do.

The first time the holiday season rolled around, Chaim was given the task of putting up wreaths on some of the lamp posts in the shopping district of midtown Manhattan. Now Chaim may have been a little dim, but he was still a good Jewish boy. While he dutifully carried out his task, he pondered what he could also do to show that NYC was an equal-opportunity decorator when it came to the holidays. After much cogitation, Chaim had an idea. Below the wreaths he would also attach his Tanta Roisa's matzoh balls, all tied up with blue and white ribbons like they did with Christmas balls.

Now Tanta Roisa was usually a great cook; her shav was just the right shade of green, her chicken soup so clear as to make the finest crystal jealous. Her flanken fell apart in your mouth and just looking at her honey cake could give you diabetes. Chickens vied for the privilege of giving up their skins for her grebenis, and even her mustard plasters were good enough to eat. But her matzoh balls, OY! They were so heavy they could clog up a brave man within seconds of eating them. On the other hand, they made excellent weapons when thrown.

So when Chaim went over to his Tanta Roisa's and asked her to make him a huge batch of matzoh balls, her first reaction was to ask if he was planning an attack on the Bolsheviks living in Brooklyn.

Chaim told her they would be used to spread the joy of Hanukkah. So Tanta Roisa went to work making her matzoh balls. By the time she was done, she had made enough to constipate the entire city of Pinsk. And the next day Chaim happily hung his matzoh ball clusters along with the wreaths, secure in the knowledge that he was spreading the joy of Hanukkah.

For several days those matzoh ball clusters hung securely from the lamp posts, making dull clunking noises whenever the breeze blew them. People would look and wonder about the odd dull-beige balls swinging and clunking in the air, but assumed they were some new-fangled decoration designed to withstand the wind. And then it snowed. What with the weight of the matzoh balls themselves, the added coating of snow was too much and they began to fall off the lamp posts.

The first ones to fall did so at night when the streets were devoid of people. However, they were not empty-- not by a long shot. When the citizens of New York go home, the first creatures out at night are the roaches. They took one look at those matzoh balls innocently sitting in the dents they had made in the concrete and saw an all-you-can-eat kosher buffet. Soon the sidewalks were covered in cockroaches too constipated to move.

They just rolled around the sidewalks looking for discarded Ex-Lax wrappers to lick.
Almost immediately, the rats caught the whiff of cockroach-with-matzoh-ball-stuffing and couldn't resist the culinary challenge. But what clogs man and cockroach will also clog a rat. In no time flat, the sidewalks were covered with half-eaten matzoh ball-stuffed and constipated cockroaches, and rats who could barely move. Yet somehow they managed to roll themselves back into the sewer. This was not a good idea since, being so stuffed with matzoh ball-laden cockroaches, they immediately sank to the bottom of the sewer pipes.

However, never underestimate the water pressure of 10,000 toilets flushing at any given time.

The rats were swiftly carried to the nearest sewer junction where they lay there and proceeded to swell to several times their size -- matzoh balls being more absorbent than sponges. Pretty soon the sewers began to overflow and by the time morning rolled around, midtown Manhattan was a smelly mess. The first people sent out to fix the sewer problem and clean up the streets got conked on their heads by the matzoh balls that had not yet fallen off the lamp posts. The ambulances that came to rescue them then skidded on whatever matzoh balls were still lying around and started crashing into the early morning delivery trucks. Midtown was a disaster. Mr. Gimble blamed it on Mr. Macy and Mr. Macy blamed it on Mr. Orbach. But after they all talked it over, they decided it was really a slick move by the Bergdorf family to get the shopper traffic to shlep uptown to buy over-priced shmattas and chatchkas.

Finally the whole mess was cleared up and midtown returned to normal in time to make the holiday season a financial success. And not all of the matzoh ball decoration calamity was a catastrophe. A boatload of Italian immigrants had just landed and they were too poor to afford any presents for their children. But when the Italian kids saw those matzoh balls lying on the ground, they erroneously thought they were beige bocce balls from heaven. The Italians thus had a great Christmas, the Jewish store owners had a holiday windfall, and for a brief time, midtown Manhattan was devoid of cockroaches and rats.

But no one forgot how the whole mishegass began. Now, whenever someone does something really idiotic, something that any normal person could see is a catastrophe in the making, he's called a Chaim Yankel.
Synagogue Newsletters
These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country.  Even the spellchecker wouldn't have helped!

  1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services.
    Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
  2. For those of you who have children and don't know it,we have a nursery downstairs.
  3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
  4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study.
  5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
  6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center .Music will follow.
  7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
  8. Rabbi is on vacation.Massages can be given to his Secretary.
  9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
  10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
  11. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary.  All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  12. If you enjoy sinning,the choir is looking for you!
  13. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week:
    "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours.
Jewish Holidays

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.

Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays

Rosh Hashanah -- Feast

Tzom Gedalia -- Fast

Yom Kippur -- More fasting

Sukkot -- Feast

Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting

Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting

Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.

Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes

Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes

Tu B'Shevat -- Feast

Fast of Esther -- Fast

Purim -- Eat pastry

Passover -- Do not eat pastry

Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)

17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)

Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)

Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Center for

Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again

There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.

Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.

Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.

Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to breakfast .

Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

 
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