|5 Passengers||Zen Judaism|
|I hear there is a Jew in here||Tired and Thirsty||Some Short Groaners|
|The Jewish Fire Department|
|What If These Famous People Had Jewish
Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews
Things I Knew Wouldn't Be Taught In Hebrew School
How you can tell that the person next to you has not been to synagogue too often?
|The Jewish Fire Department|
|One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went
out to the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved.I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menschen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Abe Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the
foist thing ve're going to do is fix the brakes on that feshtunkena
|Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews|
| My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
|What If These Famous People Had Jewish Mothers?|
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
|Things I Knew Wouldn't Be Taught In Hebrew School|
|Tired and Thirsty|
Dutchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Cognac."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have whisky."
The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Korean says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have soju."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
|If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?
Be here now.
Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood
|Some Short Groaners|
|Messages posted in Synagogues
Under the same management for over 5,765 years. It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al. "Would you like dinner?," the
flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?,"
Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University :
"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands." A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, " I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter. A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"
|An airplane was about to crash, there were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left. The first passenger said, I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player.The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die... So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hilary Clinton said. I am the wife of the former president of the US. I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president. She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger. George W. Bush said "out of my way. I'm president of the USA. the greatest and cleverest President in American history. I'm even greater then my daddy. I have to lead the world's greatest superpower nation in and out of war. Americans can't afford for me to die. So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The fourth passenger was the Pope and he turned to the fifth passenger, a Lubavitcher Rabbi and said. I am old and frail so I don't have many years left, As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The Rabbi turned to him and said "Thank you but it's really OK.... there are enough parachutes for both of us. America's greatest and cleverest President has just taken my Tallis bag."|
|I hear there is a Jew in here|
Jewish man passing through Texas for a short stay on business checked
into a rooming house in what you would call a “frontier
town.” Not to be conspicuous, he dressed in Western attire and
went in to the only saloon in town. He was surrounded by men in cowboy
clothes, wearing six-shooters and looking very gruff. He ordered a beer.
He is sipping his beer and trying to be as inconspicuous as possible when the biggest burliest, scroungiest-looking specimen walks in and proclaims, “Ah hears there is a Jew in here!” The Jewish man cringes and says nothing.“ Ah know you’re in here and you better speak up,” says the stranger. The Jewish man can’t take it anymore. He stands up proudly and says,” I am a Jew!”
The cowboy stares at him angrily, “What the hell are you hiding for? Come with me, ah needs you for a minyan.”
|How you can tell that the person next to you has not been to synagogue too often?|
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