harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 60
   5 Passengers Zen Judaism 
I hear there is a Jew in here Tired and Thirsty Some Short Groaners
  The Jewish Fire Department 
What If These Famous People Had Jewish Mothers?
  Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews
Things I Knew Wouldn't Be Taught In Hebrew School
How you can tell that the person next to you has not been to synagogue too often?
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Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
  
The Jewish Fire Department
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved.I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menschen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Abe Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the foist thing ve're going to do is fix the brakes on that feshtunkena truck!"
this joke was contributed by Hannah Baum

Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews
My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.

But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night. A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below. And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots --
To cover our heads, our hands, and our foots. We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs. We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright
With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs. At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside. Around us sat others, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice, Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all. And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls. The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare. Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another! Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor. We tried -- how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks. We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched.
We noshed and we supped, we breakfastd and lunched.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies. But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food."
And my girlfriend -- well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner." Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak About trying to refine our chopstick technique).

The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
" Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night!"

What If These Famous People Had Jewish Mothers?

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on "

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
" I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"All right, if your're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bed-time!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
" That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years!"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"At least Monica was a nice Jewish girl!"

Things I Knew Wouldn't Be Taught In Hebrew School
  1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
  2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
  3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
  4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
  5. A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
  6. You need 10 men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
  7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
  8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.
  9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
  10. Never take a front row seat at a bris.
  11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
  12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
  13. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Boca.
  14. WASPs leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
  15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
  16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
  17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
  18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
  19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
  20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Cadillac and eating dinner at 4pm in Miami.
Tired and Thirsty
The Dutchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have gin."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Cognac."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have whisky."
The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Korean says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have soju."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
Zen Judaism
If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip .. joy.
With the second ... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single "oy."There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded
shoulders.Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.Motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.
The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient
beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens
to be Jewish?

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and
flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you
have attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.

Some Short Groaners
Messages posted in Synagogues
Under the same management for over 5,765 years. It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al. "Would you like dinner?," the
flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?,"
Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University :
"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, " I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.

A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"

5 Passengers
An airplane was about to crash, there were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left. The first passenger said, I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player.The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die... So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hilary Clinton said. I am the wife of the former president of the US. I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president. She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger. George W. Bush said "out of my way. I'm president of the USA. the greatest and cleverest President in American history. I'm even greater then my daddy. I have to lead the world's greatest superpower nation in and out of war. Americans can't afford for me to die. So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger was the Pope and he turned to the fifth passenger, a Lubavitcher Rabbi and said. I am old and frail so I don't have many years left, As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.

The Rabbi turned to him and said "Thank you but it's really OK.... there are enough parachutes for both of us. America's greatest and cleverest President has just taken my Tallis bag."

I hear there is a Jew in here 
A Jewish man passing through Texas for a short stay on business checked into a rooming house in what you would call a “frontier town.” Not to be conspicuous, he dressed in Western attire and went in to the only saloon in town. He was surrounded by men in cowboy clothes, wearing six-shooters and looking very gruff. He ordered a beer.

He is sipping his beer and trying to be as inconspicuous as possible when the biggest burliest, scroungiest-looking specimen walks in and proclaims, “Ah hears there is a Jew in here!” The Jewish man cringes and says nothing.“ Ah know you’re in here and you better speak up,” says the stranger. The Jewish man can’t take it anymore. He stands up proudly and says,” I am a Jew!”

The cowboy stares at him angrily, “What the hell are you hiding for? Come with me, ah needs you for a minyan.”

How you can tell that the person next to you has not been to synagogue too often?
  • “Hey, my book is back to front.”
  • “Isn’t it impolite to talk when the rabbi is talking?”
  • “Why do people keep coming in even after the service begins? Don’t they know what time it starts?”
  • “Do people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives his sermon?”
  • “Hey, I remember this part from ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’”
  • “Who brings kids to a place like this?”
  • “You’d think nobody had ever seen a cell phone.”
  • “Pardon me, but you have some string hanging down from your scarf.”
  • “That boy can’t be more than 12 or 13 — and they let him lead the service?”
 
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