|Legal Notice to G-d|
To: The Lord God Almighty
As you are aware, the contract made between you and Abraham is up for renewal, and this memorandum is to advise you that after many millennia of consideration, we, the Jews (The Chosen People) have decided th at we do not wish to renew.
We should point out immediately that t here is nothing in writing, and that, contrary to popular beliefs, we (the Jews) have not benefited very much from this arrangement. If you consider the early years of our association, it definitely started off on the wrong foot. Not only were Israel and Judea invaded almost yearly, but we went to enormous expense to erect not one but two Temples, and both were destroyed.
All we have left is a pile of old stones called the Western Wall. (You know all this, but we feel it's a good thing to enumerate our reasons for not renewing the contract). After attacks from the Hittites, Assyrians, Goliaths, etc, we were sold as slaves to Egypt, of all countries, where we lost a few hundred years of development.
We realize that you went to a great deal of trouble to have Moses lead us out of Egypt, and to have those poor Egyptian buggers smitten (smote?) with all those plagues.&nb sp; But, reflecting on those years, we are at a loss to understand why it took almost forty years to make a trip that El Al now makes in 65 minutes. And while this seems ungrateful, we feel compelled to ask why you had Moses lead us into the Sinai Desert Had you given better directions, we could have had the oil!
OK, so the oil was not part of the deal, but then the Romans came and we were neck-deep in dreck. Yes, the Romans did give us water fit to drink, aqueducts, and baths, but it was very disconcerting to walk down one of the vias, look up, and see one of your friends or family nailed to a three-by-four looking, for all the world, like a sign post. Even one of our princes, Judah Ben Hur got caught up with Roman stuff and drove like a crazy man around the Coliseum. It's a funny thing, but many people swore that Ben Hur had an uncanny resemblance to Moses...go figure.
Then one of our rabbis (teachers) declared himself "Son of You" (there was nothing said about this in the contract) and before we knew what was what, a whole new religion sprang up. To add insult to injury, we were dispersed all over the world two or three times - while this new religion really caught on!; We were sorry to hear that the Romans executed him and many others, but alas...(and this will make you laugh,) once again WE were blamed. Now here's something we still don't understand: Our rabbi comes into his own; Millions of people revere and worship his name and scriptures, but they killed us by the millions.
They claimed we drank the blood of new born infants, and controlled the world banks. If that were true we could have bou ght them off and operated the worlds' media and so on and so on. Are we beginning to make our point here?
OK so let's fast-forward a few hundred yea rs to the Crusades. Again we were caught in the middle! They, the Lords and Knights, came from all over Europe to smack the Arabs and open up the holy places, but before we knew what hit us, they were killing us right, left, and center along with everyone else. Every time a king or a pope was low in the polls, they called a crusade or a holy war, and went on a killing spree in our land.
OK, so you tested us a little there, but then some Pope invented the Inquisition. We all thought it was a new game show, but once again we (and others) were used as firewood for a whole new street lighting arrangement all across Europe. All right, so that ended after a few hundred years - in the Grand Scheme of things - not a long time. But whenever we settled down in one country or another, they kicked us out! So we wandered around for a few more centuries, but it never changed. Finally we settled in a few countries but they insisted we all live in ghettoes...no Westchester's or Moscow or Warsaw for us.
The Russians come up with the pogroms. We all thought they meant "programs", but we were dead wrong (no pun intended). Apparently, when there was nothing else to do, killing the Jews (a.k.a. The Chosen People - are you getting our drift?) was the "in' thing.
Despite the fact that both German Lutherans and Catholics had been taught to hate Jews, we were doing fairly well there until some house painter who wrote a book became their leader. Boy! What a bad day that was for us - your Chosen People. We don't know where you were from earth-years 1938 to 1945, and we know that even Lord G-d Almighty needs some time off, but really when we needed you most, you were never around. In case you have forgotten, over six million of your Chosen and quite a few un-chosen others were murdered. They even made lampshades out of our skins.
We don't want to dwell on the past, so let's get more current. Here we are, it's 1948, and millions of us are displaced yet again, when you really pull a fast one. We finally get our own land back! Yes!!! After all these years, you arrange for us to go back... and immediately all the Arab countries immediately declare war on us. Sometimes your brand of humor is really elusive.
Ok, so we win the wars, but it's now 2007 and nothing's changed. We keep getting blown up, hi-jacked, and kidnapped. We have no peace whatsoever. Enough is enough.
So, because nothing is forever (except you of course) and because declaring ourselves to be a preferred race has been counter-productive, we respectfully decline to renew our verbal agreement vis-a-vis being your Chosen People. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. Let's be friends over the next few aeons and see what happens. How about this? We're sure you recall that Abraham had a whole other family from Ishmael - the ones who got the oil. How about making them your Chosen People for about ten thousand years?
|A man who has finally made it in business treats himself
to a new Lamborghini. After buying it, he feels guilty so he goes to
the Orthodox Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini,"
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A sports car."
"What? That's blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"
Well, the man is disappointed, but goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"For my Lamborghini", the man replies."What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, a sports car."
"What kind of sports car?" asks the Rabbi.
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a Goyishe car? Go to the Reform!"
Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but goes to the Reform Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?" says the man.
"Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a mezuzah?"
|The Rabbi's Salary|
by Erv Klein
The Rabbi's Salary There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children were costing the synagogue. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen"
|Synagogue Seating Request Form for Yom Kippur|
During, the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.
4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
On the aisle
5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
The cantor's significant other
Regardless of make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named "Adam" and "Eve" resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed, "Serious Internal Non-morality," but more commonly known as "SIN."
Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Lack of peace and joy
[d] Foul vocal emissions
The Manufacturer is providing factory authorized repair service free of charge to correct the SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Hashem [G-d], has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. To repeat, there is no fee required. The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected please upload the burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Hashem, into the heart component of the human unit. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Hashem will replace it with:
Please see the operating manual, TORAH, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from the resident Maintenance Technician, Hashem. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up residence on the premises.
WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will ultimately result in the human unit being incinerated.
Thank you for your immediate attention.
Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice.
|A Good Wife|
is enjoying his 80th birthday party with family and friends. Even
Rabbi Landau is present. Sam is so happy that he decides now is the
time to let out his secret and to everybody’s
surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 50-year-old Hetty.
Everyone comes up to wish them mazel tov — and to exchange all the old jokes“Sam, where will you both live?”“We’ll be looking for a house near a school.”“Sam, did you know that lovemaking is dangerous for the elderly?”“Yes, but I hope Hetty will survive it.”Later, Rabbi Landau takes Sam aside and says, “Don’t be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?”“To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not sure,” Sam replies.“Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken soup special?” asks Rabbi Landau.“I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in the kitchen, Rabbi,” Sam replies.“Is Hetty rich?” he asks.“I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve never discussed money,” replies Sam.“So, she must be ... good in bed. Is that so?” asks Rabbi Landau, timidly.“I’ve no idea at all Rabbi, how does one tell before marriage?” answers Sam.“But if you don’t know whether you love her, if you’re not sure whether she’s a good cook, if you don’t know whether she’s rich and if you’ve never made love to her, why on earth do you want to marry her?” asks Rabbi Landau.
“She can drive at night,” replies Sam.
How you can tell that the person next to you has not been to synagogue too often?
• “Hey, my book is back to front.”
• “Isn’t it impolite to talk when the rabbi is talking?”
• “Why do people keep coming in even after the service begins? Don’t they know what time it starts?”
• “Do people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives his sermon?”
• “Hey, I remember this part from ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’”
• “Who brings kids to a place like this?”
• “You’d think nobody had ever seen a cell phone.”
• “Pardon me, but you have some string hanging down from your scarf.”
• “That boy can’t be more than 12 or 13 — and they let him lead the service?”
|A Simple Question|
Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness box.
“How old are you?” asked the attorney.
“I am, kin ahora, 82.”
“What did you say?”
“I said I am, kin ahora, 82 years old.”
“Please just give a simple answer to my question,” said the attorney. “How old are you?”
“Kin ahora, 82,” replied Abe.
The judge intervened: “If you don’t want to be held in contempt of court, the witness will answer the question and only the question.”
The defense counsel then got up and said to the judge, “Your Honor, may I ask the witness?” and turned toward Abe.
“Kin ahora, how old are you?”
Abe replied, “82.”
|The Breads of Afflictions|
On Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.
Occasionally, people ask what kind of breadcrumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.
For ordinary sins: White bread
For complex sins: Multigrain
For twisted sins: Pretzels
For sins of indecision: Waffles
For sins committed in haste: Matzah
For sins of chutzpah: Fresh bread
For substance abuse: Stoned wheat
For use of heavy drugs: Poppy seed
For committing auto theft: Caraway
For tasteless sins: Rice cakes
For ill-temperedness: Sourdough
For silliness and eccentricity: Nut bread
For not giving full value: Shortbread
For excessive irony: Rye bread
For particularly dark sins: Pumpernickel
For dressing immodestly: Tarts
For causing injury to others: Tortes
For being holier than thou: Bagels
For dropping in without notice: Popovers
For overeating: Stuffing
For raising your voice too often: Challah
For pride and egotism: Puff pastry
For sycophancy: Brownies
For laziness: Any long loaf
For trashing the environment: Dumplings
For telling bad jokes/puns: Corn bread
|Talmud for Gentiles|
The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him, "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud."
The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew.
There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud."
But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.
Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question."
The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question?"
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean.
Who of those two goes to wash up."
"Very Simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please another question."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney.
One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these two goes to wash up?"
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again. I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."
The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there."
The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."
"All right," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."
For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest. "Two men fall through the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?"
"That is very simple!" replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will! think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain.
Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?"
|Not Like Me|
leaves his house to hail a taxi and almost immediately finds one.
As he gets in, the cabbie says, “Perfect timing, just
“Who’s Saul?” asks Max.“Saul Gold, of course,” says the cabbie, “now there was someone who got what he wanted — like a taxi just when he needed it. Not like me; I always have to wait ages when I need something.”“No one’s perfect,” says Max.“Except Saul,” says the cabbie. “Saul was a great athlete and could have played football for the 49ers. Not like me — I’m just a couch potato.”“So am I,” says Max.“And,” says the cabbie, “Saul danced like Astaire. Not like me. I’ve got two left feet.”“Sounds like Saul was really someone special,” says Max.“You can say that again,” says the cabbie. “He even remembered everyone’s birthday. Not like me. I always forget important birthdays and anniversaries. And Saul could fix anything in the house. Not like me. If I change a fuse, the whole neighborhood has a power failure.”“Wow,” says Max, “there aren’t many men around like Saul.”The cabbie continues. “And Saul knew how to treat a woman. He could always make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong. He always complimented her on Shabbat dinner. Not like me. I’m always getting into arguments with my wife.”“What an amazing person,” says Max. “How did you meet him?”“Well, I never actually met Saul,” replies the cabbie.“Then how do you know so much about him?” asks Max.
“I married his widow,” replies the cabbie.
Israeli History in a Nutshell
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