Found in Translation
Gefilte Fish Story
Jewish This or That
Meal Time on EL-AL
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
The Morning after the night before the end is Passover
The Parking Space
The Perfect Question
The Top 10 Rejected Flavored Matzos
Things I Didn't Learn in Hebrew School
'Twas the Night Before Chanukah...
|Meal Time on EL-AL|
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
|The Parking Space|
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide,
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation departed The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "
You need to join the Army of God!"
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills.
|The Morning after the night before the end is Passover|
Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The fish and the kugel, (oh my, what a taste) After both of the seders, went straight to my waist.
When I got on the scale, I couldn't believe it!
The treadmill and bicycle wouldn't relieve it.
I remembered the marvelous meals I prepared; The light airy matzah balls everyone shared.
The brisket, the turkey, the tzimmes so sweet; Oy, let me recline and get off of my feet.
I know we made kiddish and recited each plague, But right now I'm foggy, and my memory is vague.
So, don't give me matzoh, chopped liver or wine I'll do my aerobics and never more dine.
I'm walking to temple, so what if it's far?
I'm not even thinking of taking the car.
With 10 lbs. to lose and 10 inches to shrink, Eating a latka? Don't even think!
Macaroons when wrapped tightly, can so nicely freeze.
Pack the sponge cake and tayglakh away, if you please.
Out of sight, out of mind - by this oath I'll abide; Bring me the boiled chicken with romaine on the side.
I'll keep on that program, to my diet adhere, And let's all get together for Pesach next year!
|The Top 10 Rejected Flavored Matzos|
10. Spearmint Matzoh
P. S.: Next year the rumor is that "Chumetz" flavor matzos will take over the market (and with a very good hechsher it will make a mint!).
|Gefilte Fish Story|
Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish issome kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of Hashem's creatures. This has led me to explain exactly what a gefilte fish is. So once again, here goes.
Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located Upstate New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the surface, Frum fishermen set out to "catch" gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish cannot be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe thousands of years. For all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides) when he wasn't busy playing doctor, spent his leisure time G/F fishing. Enough already, you say, so how is it done? Well you go up to the edge of lake with some Matzoh. Now this is very important!! It has to be Shmurah Matzoh or the fish will not be attracted. You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say "here boy," "here boy." The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzoh. They come en masse to the edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot.
Again you must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong and the weak. The weak are your standard fish which are in a loose "broth" (it is actually the lake water). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a "jell". These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are caught in the Dead Sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that "jell".
Last year, a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Reb, shouldn't they be saying 'Here Boychic!'" I didn't have the heart to tell him, Boychic is a Yiddish word and Gefilte Fish don't understand Yiddish! Only Hebrew and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether to use the Hebrew or English in the US. With a big break from tradition, shockingly the English is accepted by almost all G/F fishermen. Some still insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of "Here Boy" as Reform and not Halachicly acceptable. However the Congress of OU Rabbis (who have to be present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept "here boy"!
The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim is over or the fish are considered Chametz! Besides, the fish know when Pesach is coming and will not respond to the Matzoh before the proper time. I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are). This is a small price to pay for the luxury of eating this delicacy.
Have you ever had the baby G/F? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little guilty eating them! Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzoh doesn't affect you like Pepto Bismol or worse yet, prunes!
By Lawrence Sherry
|Things I Didn't Learn in Hebrew School|
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
|Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards|
Under same management for over 5763 years.
|Jewish This or That|
My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?" Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a living....!
A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter.
Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy" The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright ?
|The Perfect Question|
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
|'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH...|
|Oy! What A Shock!
Was Picking Our Lock!
And There At The Door
He Wore Silken Tsitzes
So Please Don't Be Nervous.
I'm The Spirit Of Chanukah,
Here At Your Service!"
"Menchen All Call Me
'Reb' Shalom Shapiro!
Without Me, This Yom-tov
Might Need A New 'hero!'"
"I Visit All Yidlach,
And Chanukah Gelt,
And Joys That Are Takka
The Best In Der Velt!"
"If You Know Nice Menchen,
I'll Visit Them Quick,
And I'll Bring Them Gezunt
And A Houseful Of Glick!"
So We Sent Him To Your House,
He Ran To A Wagon
Make Quick, Moe And Yussle!
Please Give A Rush, Malkah!
Hey, Hymie, Please Hustle!"
Then They Raced Like The Wind!
And They Galloped So Shnell,
All His Clothing Blew Off,
And His Gatkes As Well!
He Became So Kalt
So, Don't Act Embarrassed,
Quick! Wrap Him In Blankets!
Quick! Feed Him Some Chichen Soup
'Cause He Brings You A Houseful
And He Brings Them From Our House
Plus Joy Sweet As Tsukker,
And None In Your Family
And All Through The Future
|Found in Translation|
90 year old Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language course. He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:
"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward shore.
After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies,"Morty, this is a heck of a time to be asking for money!"
Itzik Smadar was locked out of his Tel Aviv apartment and he was extremely tired after a 20 hour shift so he decided to just park somewhere quiet and sleep.
As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of Tel Aviv’s major jogging routes. After only a couple of house, Itzik was woken up by a knock on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Do you have the time?" the jogger asked.
Itzik looked at his car clock and answered, "5:30".
The jogger said thanks and left. Itzik settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Do you have the time?"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now Itzik could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"It’s 6:00! And don’t sleep in your car!"
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