harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 64
  Floating Alone
Found in Translation
Gefilte Fish Story
Jewish This or That
Meal Time on EL-AL
Moishe
Philanthropy
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards

The Mezuzah
The Morning after the night before the end is Passover
The Parking Space
The Perfect Question
The Time
The Top 10 Rejected Flavored Matzos
Things I Didn't Learn in Hebrew School
'Twas the Night Before Chanukah...
star bar
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...   
Meal Time on EL-AL

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

The Parking Space

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.

In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

Philanthropy

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide,
"Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide.
"It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.

Moishe

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation departed The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "

You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."

The Mezuzah

A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills.
He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens.
He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.
As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're happy with the job. By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!"

The Morning after the night before the end is Passover

Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The fish and the kugel, (oh my, what a taste) After both of the seders, went straight to my waist.

When I got on the scale, I couldn't believe it!

The treadmill and bicycle wouldn't relieve it.

I remembered the marvelous meals I prepared; The light airy matzah balls everyone shared.

The brisket, the turkey, the tzimmes so sweet; Oy, let me recline and get off of my feet.

I know we made kiddish and recited each plague, But right now I'm foggy, and my memory is vague.

So, don't give me matzoh, chopped liver or wine I'll do my aerobics and never more dine.

I'm walking to temple, so what if it's far?

I'm not even thinking of taking the car.

With 10 lbs. to lose and 10 inches to shrink, Eating a latka? Don't even think!

Macaroons when wrapped tightly, can so nicely freeze.

Pack the sponge cake and tayglakh away, if you please.

Out of sight, out of mind - by this oath I'll abide; Bring me the boiled chicken with romaine on the side.

I'll keep on that program, to my diet adhere, And let's all get together for Pesach next year!

The Top 10 Rejected Flavored Matzos

10. Spearmint Matzoh
9. Marshmallow Matzoh
8. Licorice Matzoh
7. Root Beer Matzoh
6. Liver Matzoh
5. Anchovy Matzoh
4. Bubble-Gum Matzoh
3. Chorizo Matzoh
2. Menudo Matzoh
.....and the number one top rejected Matzoh flavor:
1. Bacon Matzoh

P. S.: Next year the rumor is that "Chumetz" flavor matzos will take over the market (and with a very good hechsher it will make a mint!).

http://jewishmag.com

Gefilte Fish Story

Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish issome kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of Hashem's creatures. This has led me to explain exactly what a gefilte fish is. So once again, here goes.

Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located Upstate New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the surface, Frum fishermen set out to "catch" gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish cannot be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe thousands of years. For all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides) when he wasn't busy playing doctor, spent his leisure time G/F fishing. Enough already, you say, so how is it done? Well you go up to the edge of lake with some Matzoh. Now this is very important!! It has to be Shmurah Matzoh or the fish will not be attracted. You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say "here boy," "here boy." The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzoh. They come en masse to the edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot.

Again you must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong and the weak. The weak are your standard fish which are in a loose "broth" (it is actually the lake water). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a "jell". These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are caught in the Dead Sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that "jell".

Last year, a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Reb, shouldn't they be saying 'Here Boychic!'" I didn't have the heart to tell him, Boychic is a Yiddish word and Gefilte Fish don't understand Yiddish! Only Hebrew and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether to use the Hebrew or English in the US. With a big break from tradition, shockingly the English is accepted by almost all G/F fishermen. Some still insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of "Here Boy" as Reform and not Halachicly acceptable. However the Congress of OU Rabbis (who have to be present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept "here boy"!

The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim is over or the fish are considered Chametz! Besides, the fish know when Pesach is coming and will not respond to the Matzoh before the proper time. I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are). This is a small price to pay for the luxury of eating this delicacy.

Have you ever had the baby G/F? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little guilty eating them! Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzoh doesn't affect you like Pepto Bismol or worse yet, prunes!

By Lawrence Sherry

Things I Didn't Learn in Hebrew School

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead; fall back - winters in Boca.
14. WASP's leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards

Under same management for over 5763 years.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Jewish This or That

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?" Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a living....!

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter.

Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy" The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright ?

The Perfect Question

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer, from the back of the auditorium, asked,

"Do we have enough Jews?"

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH...
Oy! What A Shock!
Somebody Outside
Was Picking Our Lock!

And There At The Door
Stood A 'Zayda' In Blue-
And He Wore On His Kopp
A Blue Yarmulka, Too!

His Punim Was Shain-
Everybody Would Love It!
'round His Neck Hung A Chain
With A Gold Magen David!

He Wore Silken Tsitzes
Beneath His Wool Vest,
And A Small Flag Of Israel
Was Draped On His Chest!

He Said: "I'm No Burglar,
So Please Don't Be Nervous.
I'm The Spirit Of Chanukah,
Here At Your Service!"

"Menchen All Call Me
'Reb' Shalom Shapiro!
Without Me, This Yom-tov
Might Need A New 'hero!'"

"I Visit All Yidlach,
And Bring - Kinnahorra-
Good Fortune As Bright
As A Glowing Menorah!"

"Ich Shlepp Lots Of Blessings
And Chanukah Gelt,
And Joys That Are Takka
The Best In Der Velt!"

"If You Know Nice Menchen,
I'll Visit Them Quick,
And I'll Bring Them Gezunt
And A Houseful Of Glick!"

So We Sent Him To Your House,
And Shook Hands And Parted.
He Shouted, "Shalom!"
Out The Doorway He Darted!

He Ran To A Wagon
With Some Horses Ahead.
He Fed Them Some Bagels,
And Here's What He Said:

"Let's Go, Moish And Mendel!
Make Quick, Moe And Yussle!
Please Give A Rush, Malkah!
Hey, Hymie, Please Hustle!"

Then They Raced Like The Wind!
And They Galloped So Shnell,
All His Clothing Blew Off,
And His Gatkes As Well!

He Became So Kalt
That His Tushie Turned Bluish!
He Moaned And He Hollered
In English And Jewish!

So, Don't Act Embarrassed,
And Please Don't Be Rude
When That Frostbitten Zayda
Arrives In The Nude!

Quick! Wrap Him In Blankets!
Don't Beat 'round The Bush'!
And Tie A Hot Water Bag
On His Cold Tush!

Quick! Feed Him Some Chichen Soup
Heiss As Can Be!
And Give Him Some Shnapps
And A Glez'l Hot Tea!

'Cause He Brings You A Houseful
Of Chanukah Wishes
As Warm And Geshmock
As Plate Of Hot Knishes!

And He Brings Them From Our House
So Friendly And Bright,
So Your House Will Keep Glowing
With Chanukah Light.

Plus Joy Sweet As Tsukker,
And Peace And Good-cheer
And Everything Fraylach
Each Day Of The Year!

And None In Your Family
Will Be A Shlemazel,
For Life Will Bring Each Of You
Simchas And Mazel!

And All Through The Future
Your Hopes Will Come True,
And Himmel Will Bless
Your Mishpocha And You!!!

Found in Translation

90 year old Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language course. He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:

"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

Floating Alone

Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward shore.

After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies,"Morty, this is a heck of a time to be asking for money!"

The Time

Itzik Smadar was locked out of his Tel Aviv apartment and he was extremely tired after a 20 hour shift so he decided to just park somewhere quiet and sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of Tel Aviv’s major jogging routes. After only a couple of house, Itzik was woken up by a knock on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Do you have the time?" the jogger asked.

Itzik looked at his car clock and answered, "5:30".

The jogger said thanks and left. Itzik settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

"Do you have the time?"

"5:45!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now Itzik could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"It’s 6:00! And don’t sleep in your car!"

revised 12 Adar 2 5774 - mar 14, 2014
star bar
Jewish Humor
Jewish Women
Israeli History in a Nutshell
World Wide Jewish Publications
star Home/Principle
History of Israel
All Things Jewish
Jewish Communities of the World
Site Designed and Maintained by
Haruth Communications