harry leichter's jewish humor

Jewish Humour 65

  Archaeologists Find Ancient Technology
Army of God
Boogie Woogie Hannukah
Brisket is not the same as corned beef
Funny and True
Growing up Jewish
High Holy Days
Jewish Haiku
Kosher Komputer
Mars Landing
Meal Time on EL-AL
The Mezuzahs
Philanthropy
The Golden Telephone
Take My Dog to the Vet
The Parking Space
High Holy Days

It was Rosh Hashanah morning, and the Rabbi noticed little Adam was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Adam."

"Good morning, Rabbi," replied the youngster, still focused on the plaque.

Finally, Adam asked, "Rabbi, what is this?"

"Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Adam's voice was barely audible when he asked: "Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?"

Kosher Komputer

I don't know if you know this, but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called a DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

  • The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).
  • Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."
  • The Chanukah screen saver includes "Flying Dreidels."
  • The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
  • After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
  • The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
  • When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
  • The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
  • Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
  • I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
  • Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
  • When running "Scan Disk" it prompts with a "You want I should fix this" message?
  • When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
  • There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
  • After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."
  • Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball Chicken soup.
  • "Year 5761-5762" issues have replaced the Y2K problem.
  • If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."
  • When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"
  • When I look at erotic images, my computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."
  • And best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam.
Archaeologists Find Ancient Technology
After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network all those centuries ago.

Not to be outdone by the French, an English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters and shortly after headlines in the U.K. Newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French."

One week later, Israeli Newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists had found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, concluded that, 5,000 years ago, Jews were already using wireless technology."

Take My Dog to the Vet

Morty visits the veterinarian and says, "My dog has a problem."

The doctor replies, "So tell me about the dog's problem."

"First you should know that he's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubtful doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and demands, "So why are you talking to me like that? You order me around like I'm nothing.  And you only call me when you want something.  And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!

And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all that you care!"

The Doctor is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "Obviously, he has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch, not 'Kvetch.' "

Jewish Haiku

Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.
 
Beyond Valium,
peace is knowing one's child
is an internist.
 
On Passover we
opened the door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.
 
After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
 
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.
 
Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.
 
Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.
 
The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.
 
Like a bonsai tree,
is your terrible posture
at my dinner table.
 
Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.
 
The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.
 
The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
 
Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.
 
Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.
 
Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.
 
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?
 
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh
 
Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!
 
Quietly murmured
at Saturday Synagogue services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3
 
A lovely nose ring,
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.
 
Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness 

source: http://www.templemicah.org/just-for-fun

MARS  LANDING

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.

'Give me the box of matches,' says one. 'Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens'

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms.. 'No, no, don't!.  The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars.  Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: 'No, no, don't do that!'

One of the astronauts says, 'This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars'.

So he strikes a match -- which flames up, burns down, and....

NOTHING HAPPENS!!

So he turns to the Martians and asks, 'Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?'

The leader of the Martians says, "Today is Shabbos!"

source: http://www.templemicah.org/just-for-fun

Funny and True

By: Israeli humorist, Efraim Kishon (Kishont Ferenc):
Israel is a country surrounded on all sides by enemies, but the people's headaches are caused by the neighbors upstairs.

Israel is the only country in the world where the coffee is already so good that Starbucks went bankrupt trying to break into the local market.

Israel is one of the few places in the world where the sun sets into the Mediterranean Sea.

Israel is the only country in the world whose soldiers eat three sets of salads a day, none of which contain any lettuce (which is not really a food), and where olives ARE a food and even a main course in a meal, rather than something one tosses into a martini.

Israel is the only country in the world where one is unlikely to dig a cellar without hitting ancient archaeological artifacts.

Israel is the only country in the world where the leading writers in the country take buses.

Israel is the only country in the world where the graffiti is in Hebrew.

Israel is the only country in the world that has a National Book Week, during which almost everyone attends a book fair and buys books.

Israel is a country where the same drivers who cuss you and flip you the bird will immediately pull over and offer you all forms of help if you look like you need it.

Israel is the only country in the world with bus drivers and taxi drivers who read Spinoza and Maimonides.

Israel is the only country in the world where no one cares what rules say when an important goal can be achieved by bending them.

Israel is the only country in the world where reservists are bossed around and commanded by officers, male and female, younger than their own children.

Israel is the only country in the world where "small talk" consists of loud, angry debate over politics and religion.

Israel is the only country in the world where the ultra-Orthodox Jews beat up the police and not the other way around.

Israel is the only country in the world where inviting someone "out for a drink" means drinking cola, coffee or tea.

Israel is the only country in the world where bank robbers kiss the mezuzah as they leave with their loot.

Israel is one of the few countries in the world that truly likes and admires the United States.

Israel is the only country in the world that introduces applications of high-tech gadgets and devices, such as printers in banks that print out your statement on demand, years ahead of the United States and decades ahead of Europe.

Israel is the only country in the world where everyone on a flight gets to know one another before the plane lands. In many cases, they also get to know the pilot and all about his health or marital problems.

Israel is the only country in the world where no one has a foreign accent because everyone has a foreign accent.

Israel is the only country in the world where people cuss using dirty words in Russian or Arabic because Hebrew has never developed them.

Israel is the only country in the world where patients visiting physicians end up giving the doctor advice.

Israel is the only country in the world where everyone strikes up conversations while waiting in lines.

Israel is the only country in the world where people call an attache case a "James Bond" and the "@" sign is called a "strudel".

Israel is the only country in the world where there is the most mysterious and mystical calm ambience in the streets on Yom Kippur, which cannot be explained unless you have experienced it.

Sunsets in Jerusalem are gorgeous every evening.

Israel is the only country in the world where people read English, write Hebrew, and joke in Yiddish.

The Mezuzahs

A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills.
He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.

When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens.

He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.

As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're happy with the job. By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!"

Army of God
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation departed The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?" Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."
Philanthropy

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide.
"It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.

The Parking Space

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says:
"Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

Meal Time on EL-AL
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
The Golden Telephone

While on vacation in Rome , I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked what the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Italy , I kept seeing the same golden telephones on marble columns. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same:

It was a direct line to heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars.

Then - I continued my tour and arrived in Israel. I decided to attend temple services at a local synagogue. As I walked in the door I noticed the same golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents."

"Rabbi," I said, "I have just been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this telephone is only 25 cents?"

The rabbi smiled and said, "You're in Israel now. . . .It's a local call."

Brisket is not the same as Corned Beef

If you're not Jewish, I cannot begin to explain it to you.

This goes back 2 generations, 3 if you're over 50. It also explains why many Jewish men died in their early 60's with a non-functional cardiovascular system and looked like today's men at 89.

There are some variations in ingredients because of the various types of Jewish taste (Polack, Litvack, Deutch and Gallicianer). Sephardic is for another time.

Just as we Jews have six seasons of the year (winter, spring, summer, autumn, the slack season, and the busy season), we all focus on a main ingredient which, unfortunately and undeservedly, has disappeared from our diet. I'm talking, of course, about SCHMALTZ (chicken fat).

SCHMALTZ has, for centuries, been the prime ingredient in almost every Jewish dish, and I feel it's time to revive it to its rightful place in our homes. (I have plans to distribute it in a green glass Gucci bottle with a label clearly saying: "low fat, no cholesterol, Choice, extra virgin SCHMALTZ." (It can't miss!) Then there are grebenes - pieces of chicken skin, deep fried in SCHMALTZ, onions and salt until crispy brown (Jewish bacon). This makes a great appetizer for the next cardiologist's convention.

There's also a nice chicken fricassee (stew) using the heart, gorgle (neck), pipick (gizzard - a great delicacy, given to the favorite child), a fleegle (wing) or two, some ayelech (little premature eggs) and other various chicken innards, in a broth of SCHMALTZ, water, paprika, etc. We also have knishes (filled dough) and the eternal question, "Will that be liver, beef or potatoes, or all three?" Other time-tested favorites are kishkeh, and its poor cousin, helzel (chicken or goose neck). Kishkeh is the gut of the cow, bought by the foot at the Kosher butcher. It is turned inside out, scalded and scraped. One end is sewn up and a mixture of flour, SCHMALTZ, onions, eggs, salt, pepper, etc., is spooned into the open end and squished down until it is full. The other end is sewn and the whole thing is boiled. Often, after boiling, it is browned in the oven so the skin becomes crispy. Yummy!

My personal all-time favorite was watching my Zaida (grandpa) munch on boiled chicken feet. For our next course we always had chicken soup with pieces of yellow-white, rubbery chicken skin floating in a greasy sea of lokshen (noodles), farfel (broken bits of matzah), tzibbeles (onions), mondlech (soup nuts), kneidlach (dumplings), kasha (groats), kliskelech and marech (marrow bones) . The main course, as I recall, was either boiled chicken, flanken, kackletten, hockfleish (chopped meat), and sometimes rib steaks, which were served either well done, burned or cremated. Occasionally we had barbecued liver done to a burned and hardened perfection.

Since we couldn't have milk with our meat meals, beverages consisted of cheap soda ( seltzer in the spritz bottles). In Brooklyn it was usually Hammer or Kirsch's Black Cherry, Ginger Ale and Cola.

Growing up Jewish

If you are Jewish, and grew up in city with a large Jewish population, or are gentile with Jewish friends or associates, the following will invoke heartfelt memories.

The Yiddish word for today is PULKES (PUHL-kees). Translation: THIGHS. Please note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of the original Tribes of Israel, the Cellulites.

The only good advice that your Jewish mother gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!" You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes. Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.

Every Saturday morning your father went to the neighborhood deli (called an "appetitizing store") for whitefish salad, whitefish "chubs", lox (nova if you were rich!), herring, corned beef, roast beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a 1/2-dozen huge barrel pickles which you reached into the brine for, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese and rye bread (sliced while he waited). All of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday morning. Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents and/or other relatives. You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray. You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows which were always asymmetrical. You thought pasta was stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha with bowties.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven. You were as tall as your grandfather by age seven and a half. You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz). You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste like cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green. When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to make you feel bad for hurting her hand. You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it. You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't know exactly what they mean. Kaynahurra. You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.

You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your spouse's ancestor. You thought speaking loud was normal. You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew School Free" card.

You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome snack.You will drive 50 miles just to get a bakers dozen (13) "real" bagels . You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "steel cannonballs" upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants.

Your mother or grandmother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc.) and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime as if they were relatives. You thought only non-Jews went to sleep away colleges. Jews went to city schools... unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League school.

And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for Chinese food.
Zei gezunt!!

 

revised 12 Adar 2 5774 - 14 Mar 2014
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before

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