harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humour 66

  A Boca Christmas
A Goy is a Goy
Catholic Horses
Hasidim
Helpful Handyman!
More Jewish Groners
Klavan's One-State Solution: Give the Middle East to the Jews
Things We Learned in Hebrew School Worth Repeating
Jewish Convert
Jewish Teeth
Jewish vs Goyish (Kosher vs Treyff)
Jewish Witness
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
The Jewish Quarterback
The Shiduch (Arranged Marriage)
What Are You? the Yiddish Zodiac
When A Fly Falls Into A Cup Of Coffee
What Are You?? The Yiddish Zodiac

THE YIDDISH ZODIAC
For those who frequent Chinese restaurants and see the placemats showing the Chinese zodiac

(You know, the year of the rat, the year of the monkey, etc.) -- well, here is the official Jewish equivalent. Now you can find out who you are!

The Year of CHICKEN SOUP
1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015
You're a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children -- resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.

The Year of EGG CREAM
1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016
You've got a devious personality, since you're made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends findyour pranks refreshing; others think you're too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.

The Year of CHOPPED LIVER
1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017
People either love you or hate you, making you wonder, "What am I, chopped liver?" But don't get a complex; you're always welcome at the holidays! Bagel's got your back.

The Year of BLINTZ
1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006,2018
Creamy and dreamy, you're rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy, but word is that, with the right topping, you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.

The Year of LATKE
1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019
Working class with a grating exterior, you're a real softie on the inside. Kind of plain naked, but when dressed up you're a real dish. Compatible with Schmear's cousin Sour Cream.

The Year of BAGEL
1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020
You're pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something's missing in your centre. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox. Latke and Knish, not so much.

The Year of PICKLE
1913, 1925, 1937, 1949,1961,1973,1985,1997, 2009, 2021
You're the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life.

The Year of SCHMEAR
1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986,1998, 2010, 2022
You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami -- wouldn't be kosher.

The Year of PASTRAMI
1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011, 2023
Brisket's hipper sibling, always smokin' and ready to party. You spice up life, even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who's always by your side.

The Year of BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE
1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012, 2024
Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you're "New Age," all yin & yang. We call it "bipolar." Sweetie, you're most compatible with yourself.

The Year of KNISH
1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013, 2025
Flaky on the surface, you're actually a person of depth and substance. Consider medical or law school, but don't get too wrapped up in yourself.
Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who's out of your league.

The Year of LOX
1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014, 2026
Thin and rich, you're very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat, getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.

More Jewish Groners
1. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
2. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
3. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices? "Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
4. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a living...."
5. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter."
6. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
7. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright?
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
Under the same management for over 5,774 years.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
Things we Learned in Hebrew School worth repeating

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for gin rummy.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstrom's.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead; fall back; winters in Boca.
14. Gentiles leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not Kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. If you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida .

The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a really good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Gaza. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 5th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked. The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,....

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!"

Catholic Horses
A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ...

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
"You are not Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish" ;

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."

The Shiduch (Arranged Marriage)
A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried.

So, they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their son a good wife.

The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questionsof the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law.

They give him a long shopping list of requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking,and finally asks to visit the family again.

He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found.

He says she's just the right age for the son.

She keeps a Glatt Kosher home, she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart, and she's a wonderful cook.

She loves children and wants a large family.

And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.

But the son pauses and asks inappropriately: 'Is she also good in bed?'

The marriage broker answers, 'Some say yes, some say no....'
When A Fly Falls Into A Cup Of Coffee

The Italian: throws the cup, breaks it and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German: carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman: takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese: eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian: drinks the coffee with the fly, since it came with no extra charge.

The Israeli: sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

israel-palestine-when-a-fly-falls-into-a-cup-of-coffee

The Palestinian: blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act to the UN as an act of aggression, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, Frenchman, Chinese, German and Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give his cup of tea to the Palestinian. Source: www.nowtheendbegins.com

Jewish vs Goyish (Kosher vs Treyff)

Judges Are Jewish
Juries Are Goyish

Packing up all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish
Using them is Goyish

Ordering family style is Jewish
Ordering 'a la carte' is Goyish

Cruises are Jewish
Walking tours are Goyish

Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet first, is Jewish
Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish

Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish
Not wanting even a "little taste" is Goyish

Fruitcake is Goyish
Fruit and cake is Jewish

Reading "how-to" books is Goyish
Writing "how-to" books is Jewish

ESPN is Goyish
PBS is Jewish

Tiffany's is Goyish
Your Uncle Irving in the Jewelry District is Jewish

Passing bars is Goyish
Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish

DIY... (Do it Yourself) is Goyish
PAG... Pay A Goy (who knows what he's doing) is Jewish

West Coast is Goyish
East Coast is Jewish

Lunch meat is Goyish;
Deli is Jewish

White bread is Goyish;
Rye is Jewish

Sushi is Jewish;
Chopsticks are Goyish

Laughing at someone else's troubles is Goyish;
Laughing at your own troubles is Jewish

"Youngsters" are Goyish,
"Kids" are Jewish

Sitting quietly to get served is Goyish:
Standing and waving one's hands is Jewish

Beer is Goyish;
Wine is Jewish

Tattoos and piercing are Goyish;
Diamonds and pearls are Jewish

Ham sandwiches are Goyish;
Corned beef on rye is Jewish

White sox are Goyish;
No sox are Jewish

Saving Money is Goyish;
Investing money is Jewish

Snowmobiling is Goyish;
Skiing is Jewish

Doing Landscaping is Goyish;
Hiring a Landscaper is Jewish

Frizzy hair is Jewish;
Stick straight flat hair is Goyish

A party that revolves around the buffet table is Jewish;
A party that revolves around the bar is Goyish!

MAKING LISTS OF WHAT'S JEWISH & WHAT'S NOT IS VERY JEWISH

A Boca Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas
and down here in Boca,
I was sitting at Starbucks,
drinking my mocha..

I know we're all Jewish,
but was wondering still,
if Santa would come here
and give us a thrill.

On my way home,
no Christmas lights did I see,
on the houses, the windows,
not even the trees.

What a strange feeling.
Not a decoration in sight.
Was it really December
or a warm summer's night?

I drove past Toojay’s,
there were lines out the door.
People were waiting
for kishka and more.

The restaruants were busy,
Christmas dinners not planned.
Never, not here
we're in Boca Land.

At home all was quiet.
I left out Kosher wine,
In case Santa came to Boca
for the very first time.

Snoozing came easy
to me Christmas Eve.
I wasn't waiting for presents
to be left under a tree.

I could hope all I want.
I could fuss and then see,
if Santa would make time
for little old me..

Then all of a sudden
he pulled up in his Jag,
with a sack full of presents
each sporting a tag.

Oh Bloomies, oh Saks
Oh Nieman’s and more.
He knows where to shop,
he frequents my stores!

He looked for the lox,
the bagels and deli..
He came to Boca first
to fill up his belly!

"I have a long night ahead,
I want you to know.
From Boca I leave
for New York and the snow."

He stayed for a while,
he chatted and ate.
Then he left in a flash
before it got late.

What a great night
I thought with a sigh.
That jolly old Santa
is a really nice guy.

As I cleared off the table
I heard with delight
"Shalom to you all,
and OY, what a night!!
Jewish Teeth
In 1936, Morris Rabinowitz, a dentist, fled his native Germany. He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, well above the limit he could bring into the U.S.

When he arrived in New York, the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained. "Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products , but I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Morris replied, "Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so Orthodox that I have separate teeth for Passover meat and Passover dairy food."

The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

Morris looked around and spoke softly. "To tell you the truth," he said, "once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

Helpful Handyman!

A man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills, California.

He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and instructs the decorator how to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens.

He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.

As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're happy with the job.....By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!"

Hasidim

A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis, a a long black coat, and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat worn by Chassidic Jews), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?"
The parrot replies: "Brooklyn. There's thousands of them."

A Goy is a Goy

A Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds on the lottery.
They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury.
They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

Then they decided to hire a butler.They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch.

The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes!"

JEWISH CONVERT

Pincus was a very religious man, but after nearly 60 years strict observance to Jewish law, he was fed up. "Esther," he tells his wife, "I've had it! No more getting up early every morning, putting on my tfillin and reciting the same prayers. I'm converting to Catholicism."

"Are you crazy?" asks Esther, but Pincus is determined. He goes to a local church, discusses his intentions with the priest, and begins taking instruction and is baptized into the Catholic faith.

The next morning, as always, he gets up early, and without thinking, puts on his tfillin and automatically starts to recite his morning prayers."What are you doing?" asks Esther. "I thought the whole point of becoming Catholic was so you wouldn't have to do that any more."

"Oy!" cried Pincus, smacking himself in the forehead. "Goyishe kopp!"

JEWISH WITNESS
Mr. Finkelstein is called as a witness in a trial.
"How old are you?" asks the D.A. (District Attorney).
"I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one.""Excuse me? What did you say?"
"I said, I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one years old." "Sir, the recording clerk can't type unusual words, please just answer the question with no embellishments," says the D.A. "I ask you again, How old are you!?"
"I told you. Kaynahoreh, I'm ninety-one."The D.A. is really getting annoyed. The judge is also losing his patience. He instructs, "The witness will answer the question simply and plainly or be held in contempt of court!"The defense lawyer rises and says, "Your Honor, I think I can resolve this. May I ask the question?"
"If you can get this trial moving, please, be my guest.""Mr. Finkelstein, let me ask, kaynahoroh, how old are you?"
Finkelstein replies, "Ninety-one"
 
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
revised 12 April 2017
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