| A Boca Christmas A Goy is a Goy Catholic Horses Hasidim Helpful Handyman! More Jewish Groners Klavan's One-State Solution: Give the Middle East to the Jews Things We Learned in Hebrew School Worth Repeating |
Jewish Convert Jewish Teeth Jewish vs Goyish (Kosher vs Treyff) Jewish Witness Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards The Jewish Quarterback The Shiduch (Arranged Marriage) What Are You? the Yiddish Zodiac When A Fly Falls Into A Cup Of Coffee |
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| What Are You?? The Yiddish Zodiac | ||
THE YIDDISH ZODIAC (You know, the year of the rat, the year of the monkey, etc.) -- well, here is the official Jewish equivalent. Now you can find out who you are! The Year of CHOPPED LIVER The Year of KNISH |
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| More Jewish Groners | ||
| 1. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty. 2. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. 3. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices? "Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied. 4. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a living...." 5. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter." 6. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children." 7. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright? |
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| Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards | ||
| Under the same management for over 5,774 years. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand? Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands." |
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| Things we Learned in Hebrew School worth repeating | ||
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana |
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| The Jewish Quarterback | ||
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a really good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Gaza. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 5th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked. The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,.... "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!" |
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| Catholic Horses | ||
| A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and all but
losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning. The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ... True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites." |
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| The Shiduch (Arranged Marriage) | ||
| A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried. So, they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their son a good wife. The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questionsof the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of requirements. The marriage broker takes a long time looking,and finally asks to visit the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found. He says she's just the right age for the son. She keeps a Glatt Kosher home, she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart, and she's a wonderful cook. She loves children and wants a large family. And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous. After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future. But the son pauses and asks inappropriately: 'Is she also good in bed?' The marriage broker answers, 'Some say yes, some say no....' |
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| When A Fly Falls Into A Cup Of Coffee | ||
The Italian: throws the cup, breaks it and walks away in a fit of rage. The German: carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee. The Frenchman: takes out the fly and drinks the coffee. The Chinese: eats the fly and throws away the coffee. The Russian: drinks the coffee with the fly, since it came with no extra charge. The Israeli: sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee. israel-palestine-when-a-fly-falls-into-a-cup-of-coffee The Palestinian: blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act to the UN as an act of aggression, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, Frenchman, Chinese, German and Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give his cup of tea to the Palestinian. Source: www.nowtheendbegins.com |
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| Jewish vs Goyish (Kosher vs Treyff) | ||
Judges Are Jewish Cruises are Jewish MAKING LISTS OF WHAT'S JEWISH & WHAT'S NOT
IS VERY JEWISH |
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| A Boca Christmas | ||
| 'Twas the night before Christmas and down here in Boca, I was sitting at Starbucks, drinking my mocha.. I know we're all Jewish, but was wondering still, if Santa would come here and give us a thrill. On my way home, no Christmas lights did I see, on the houses, the windows, not even the trees. What a strange feeling. Not a decoration in sight. Was it really December or a warm summer's night? I drove past Toojay’s, there were lines out the door. People were waiting for kishka and more. The restaruants were busy, Christmas dinners not planned. Never, not here we're in Boca Land. At home all was quiet. I left out Kosher wine, In case Santa came to Boca for the very first time. Snoozing came easy to me Christmas Eve. I wasn't waiting for presents to be left under a tree. I could hope all I want. I could fuss and then see, if Santa would make time for little old me.. Then all of a sudden he pulled up in his Jag, with a sack full of presents each sporting a tag. Oh Bloomies, oh Saks Oh Nieman’s and more. He knows where to shop, he frequents my stores! He looked for the lox, the bagels and deli.. He came to Boca first to fill up his belly! "I have a long night ahead, I want you to know. From Boca I leave for New York and the snow." He stayed for a while, he chatted and ate. Then he left in a flash before it got late. What a great night I thought with a sigh. That jolly old Santa is a really nice guy. As I cleared off the table I heard with delight "Shalom to you all, and OY, what a night!! |
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| Jewish Teeth | ||
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In 1936, Morris Rabinowitz, a dentist, fled his native
Germany. He sold his assets
and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, well
above the limit he could bring into the U.S. When he arrived in New York, the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained. "Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products , but I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth." The customs official shook his head and said, "Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Morris replied, "Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so Orthodox that I have separate teeth for Passover meat and Passover dairy food." The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?" Morris looked around and spoke softly. "To tell you the truth," he said, "once in a while I like a ham sandwich." |
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| Helpful Handyman! | ||
A man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills, California. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and instructs the decorator how to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens. He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus. As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're happy with the job.....By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!" |
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| Hasidim | ||
A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis, a a long black coat, and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat worn by Chassidic Jews), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?" |
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| A Goy is a Goy | ||
A Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds on the lottery. Then they decided to hire a butler.They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes!" |
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| JEWISH CONVERT | ||
| Pincus was a very religious man, but after nearly 60 years strict observance to Jewish law, he was fed up. "Esther," he tells his wife, "I've had it! No more getting up early every morning, putting on my tfillin and reciting the same prayers. I'm converting to Catholicism." "Are you crazy?" asks Esther, but Pincus is determined. He goes to a local church, discusses his intentions with the priest, and begins taking instruction and is baptized into the Catholic faith. The next morning, as always, he gets up early, and without thinking, puts on his tfillin and automatically starts to recite his morning prayers."What are you doing?" asks Esther. "I thought the whole point of becoming Catholic was so you wouldn't have to do that any more." "Oy!" cried Pincus, smacking himself in the forehead. "Goyishe kopp!" |
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| JEWISH WITNESS | ||
| Mr. Finkelstein is called as a witness in a trial. "How old are you?" asks the D.A. (District Attorney). "I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one.""Excuse me? What did you say?" "I said, I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one years old." "Sir, the recording clerk can't type unusual words, please just answer the question with no embellishments," says the D.A. "I ask you again, How old are you!?" "I told you. Kaynahoreh, I'm ninety-one."The D.A. is really getting annoyed. The judge is also losing his patience. He instructs, "The witness will answer the question simply and plainly or be held in contempt of court!"The defense lawyer rises and says, "Your Honor, I think I can resolve this. May I ask the question?" "If you can get this trial moving, please, be my guest.""Mr. Finkelstein, let me ask, kaynahoroh, how old are you?" Finkelstein replies, "Ninety-one" |
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revised 12 April 2017
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