Jewish Humour 68
|Georgia||Hebrew||Goldberg||Head on Collision|
|More old Jews telling jokes||Shiva||Surgery||Passing Gas|
|Old Jews Telling Jokes||Moving Walls||Shloimy||Not Kosher|
|Shabbos Golf||Irish Jew||Mincha||Moving|
|When to Eat Matzah Ball Soup|
|As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Yakov stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
Chaim purchased a Lamborghini and wants to put a mezuzah on it. So, he goes to a Chasidic rabbi and asked him to perform the ceremony of putting the mezuzah on his Lamborghini. The rabbi tells him, "I can't do it because I don't know what a Lamborghini is."
So Chaim goes to a conservative rabbi and asks him to place the mezuzah on his Lamborghini. the conservative Rabbi also tells him that he can't do it because he doesn't know what a Lamborghini is, either.
Then, Chaim goes to a reform rabbi and ask him to place the mezuzah on his Lamborghini. The reform rabbi's eyes light up and he asked, "Did you get the Lamborghini with 10 cylinders or 12 cylinders?
"That's all wonderful," the reform rabbi exclaims, "but what's a mezuzah?"
Aaron a mangy looking Jewish guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal." Aaron admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?"
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.
The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.
A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.
The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"
"No", says Aaron. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist.
The Rabbi asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Silverstein stood and walked to the podium.
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Moish, must have experienced.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Moish, Silverstein." The entire congregation held its breath.
|Goldberg was boasting to anyone who would listen.
He said that everyone knows him even the rich and famous. "The President?" He was asked. "Played golf with him last week."
"Bill Gates?" "A good buddy. His wife Melinda, too". "How about the Pope?" "On a first name basis." "I don't believe you."
"I can prove it." says Goldberg. So they fly to Rome. They go to St. Peter's Square where the Pope is about to come out and bless the crowd.
Goldberg excuses himself and goes off. After a while the Pope comes out. Then Goldberg follows him and stands next to him.
A man in the crowd turns to the guy from the US and asks "Say, who's that standing next to Goldberg?"
|Head on Collision|
|A rabbi and a preacher had a terrible head on collision destroying their vehicles. Climbing out from under the rubble, the rabbi sees the preacher fine and brushing himself off. The rabbi says to the preacher, 'praise God, we are both alive!' The preacher agrees. The rabbi notices a bottle of communal wine, unbroken, next to the preacher's car and said, 'praise God, the wine was spared!' The preacher agrees. Then the rabbi says, 'I think we should drink to our good fortune!' and hands the bottle to the preacher first out of courtesy at which time the preacher opens the bottle and takes a big drink. Once had partaken of the wine, he hands the bottle back to the rabbi at which time the rabbi puts the cork back in the bottle and sets it back next to the preachers car. Confused, the preacher asks, 'Aren't you going to drink?' and the rabbi replies, 'Oh certainly but after the police arrive.'|
|A Jewish man went to a surgeon and said he wanted to be castrated. The surgeon recoiled and said absolutely not.
The man persisted that he be castrated until the surgeon gave in. After the radical surgery, the surgeon said, “I know that your religion requires circumcision and I noticed you never had a bris.
Therefore, he man snapped his finger and said “Circumcise! THAT’S the word I was trying to think of.”
|a Jewish woman who goes to her doctor to complain about an embarrassing problem. She explains that she breaks wind without any smell or odor and it's most embarrassing. So the doctor asks her to step on a ladder so he can get an eye-level demonstration, and she does. After which the doctor says, "Mir muz opereran" Translation: "We'll have to operate." So the woman replies "Du geyst opereran offen tuches?" Translation: "You're going to operate on my ass?" To which the doctor replied " Nein, affen noz!" Translation: "No on your nose!"|
|A prominent rabbi in a community was walking the main street of his town and noticed one of his parishioners entering a pork rib restaurant on the other side of the street. Shocked, he ran to the window of the shop to see for himself what was going on. He noticed the man wait in line and once at the counter, pointed to a rib combo meal for which he proceeded to the cashier. The rabbi was furious at this man as he seen him sit down preparing to eat his hot meal. Rushing in, the rabbi sat down at the table staring at this man with looks that could kill stating, 'Really!' Before the man could take a bite, the rabbi asked what he was doing. Quick to respond, the man asked the rabbi if he seen him enter the restaurant for which the rabbi clearly responded he watched him come into the shop. The man then asked the rabbi if he watched him order and pay for the meal. The rabbi acknowledged that he most certainly did. The man then asked if he seen him sit at the table preparing to eat his hot meal. The rabbi didn't even hesitate responded, 'Most definitely!' Then the man asked the rabbi what the issues is, everything he did was under rabbinical supervision!|
|Shloimy was a rough kid. In public school, he'd curse in class, beat other student and never did any work. His parents tried sending him to Yeshiva. Things only got worse! Now he was spitting at the teachers, throwing objects at people and interrupting lessons with lewd acts. Seeing that the Yeshiva wasn't working, his dad decided to send him to military school. Still no luck! His grades sunk further. He became more violent and even his teachers recommend he be expelled permanently.
Now, at a loss, his parents decide to make a last ditch effort and they sent Shloimy to a Christian School. From the very first day, He was the model student! Always polite and smiling. Finishing all his work in a timely, organized and neat manner. Staying after school to help other student who are struggling and even helping the custodial staff do some cleaning at the end of each day. The teacher's LOVED Shloimy! His grades climbed and he was just the apple in each of his teachers' eyes.
One day, Shloimy's father asks, "Alright kid, what are you trying to pull? We sent you to every kind of school and you just remained a little shit. Now we send you to a Christian school and you're a freakin' angel? What's going on?"Shloimy replies, "Dad, the moment I walked in through the doors of this school for the first time, the first thing I saw was a Jew hanging on a cross! I knew these fuckers meant business!"
|Two Texans sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, my name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres, have 1000 head of cattle and my ranch called "the Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, my name is John, I own 350,000 acres, have 5,000 head of cattle and my ranch is called "Big John's."
They both look at the Jewish man who says, my name is Irving, and I own 300 acres. The two look at him and say, 300 acres?
What do you raise? Nothing says Irving. What do you call your place, "Downtown Dallas."
|Not very long ago two brothers named Pinchas and Asher Nussberg open a tailor shop in London's New Bond Street. Hoping that their business is going to allow them to go global, they call their shop
Over the following years, their business grows, but not as fast as they think it should. So they go to a business consultant for advice. The consultant strongly suggests that anglicizing their firm's name and type of business would definitely bring in more customers. So they take the expert's advice, complete all the necessary paperwork, and change the sign above their shop to their new name
NUSS - HIGH CLASS TAILORS LTD
Then finally, they tell Hannah, their receptionist, that from now onwards she must answer the phone with, "Good Morning. You're through to Nuss the high class tailors. Who would you like to talk to?"
As soon as Hannah hears this, she says, "In that case, gentlemen, I resign."
Shocked, they say, "But why Hannah? We need you. What's wrong with such an introduction?"
"Because if the caller then says he would like to talk to Mr Nuss,
I would have to ask whether it was Mr A Nuss or Mr P Nuss?'"
A Jewish man is immigrating to America and has to go through Ellis Island.
Moishe goes to his local dry cleaner to have his tallit cleaned. He sees a stranger behind the counter and asks, "Where's Melvin Cohen?" The man replies, "Cohen sold the business to me, I'm Christopher White." Moishe says, OK, I need my tallit cleaned."
Christopher tells him to come pick it up in 2 weeks. 2 weeks later Moishe comes back and the dry cleaner tells him,
"That will be $75." "That is a lot of money and it took you 2 weeks to do it!", says Moishe.
Christopher looks at him and says, "Do you have any idea how long it took me to get all the knots out?!"
|It’s Yom Kippur. Kol nidre is about to be chanted. The holiest prayer service for us Jews. In the front row is seated a beautiful buxom women with her cleavage exposed and her dress hiked way up her thigh. The chazzan gets a glimpse of the beautiful maiden. The chazzan begins to chant “Kol nidre . . .“ and immediately begins to fumfer (mumble). The chazzan tries to compose himself but he just couldn’t get the words out. The rabbi whispering to the chazzan. “It’s Yom Kippur. Kol Nidre. Get it together.” “I know” he whispers back to the rabbi. “In my mind it’s Yom Kippur but in my pants it’s Simchas Torah!”|
|It's the 1920s and an old ultra orthodox NY rabbi with a long beard, dressed in a black suit, coat and hat, takes the train to a small Georgia town to ask the one Jewish family for a donation.
He arrives on Sunday, no one is at the station to give him directions to the Jewish family.
He leaves the station and walks up behind a boy playing on the street and says "Hello."
The boy turns, sees this strange old man dressed all in black, screams and runs away.
The rabbi walks further, sees another boy who also screams at the sight of an old man in black and runs away.
Befuddled, the rabbi thinks out loud
"Vats da matter, they've never seen a Yankee before?"
|Ruth was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he burst into the kitchen.
'Careful, 'he cried, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! you're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my word! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? they're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him in amazement, 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving .....
|When to Eat Matzah Ball Soup|
A Rabbi was watching his favorite baseball team play. There were 2 guys sitting behind him and they decide to pull his chain. One guy raised his voice, and said to the other one, Hey Joe, I'm going to move to Oklahoma. Joe replied, Why would you want to move to Oklahoma Jim? Jim replied, because there are hardly any Jews in Oklahoma, maybe 5% and I really don't like Jews.The Rabbi doesn't say a word. Joe replied back, I'm going to move to Arkansas Jim. Jim said, why would you want to move to Arkansas? Well there are hardly any Jews in Arkansas maybe 1% and I really don't like Jews.
The Rabbi politely turns around and said, Why don't you both just go to Hell, I hear there are no Jews there.
|How Much is that Birdie in the Window
Itzik Smadar went into a pet store in Jerusalem, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 1000 shekels."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" Itzik wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
Itzik asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 2000 shekels because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, Itzik asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 5000 shekels.”
"And what does that one do?" Itzik asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Rebbe!"
Hey Larry, how is your research going?
All Men should Prepare
Tea or Coffee for their Women.
It Says so in the Bible...
After my wife’s parents divorce her father remarried to a widow with children. The new wife was a prominent attorney, her deceased husband a well renowned physician.
At the shiva person after person said her husband saved their lives. Finally someone asked if there was something he could do for her. She thought briefly and said,” yes, my husband provided great service.
Could you ask all these people to pay their bill?”
Yaakov and his father were visiting a mall for the very first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
Smiling, the father turned to Yaakov and said, "Go get your mother."
| Avram went into church, took out his tallis, yarmulke, and proceeded to pray.
The clergyman entered to start services: "Will all non-Christians please leave."
Avram continued davening.
Again the clergyman said, "Will all non-Christians please leave."
And again, Avram prayed.
Finally, the distraught clergyman moved to Avram. "Will ALL JEWS please leave."
At this, Avram removed his yarmulke, packed up his tallis,
then went to the altar, picked up a statue of Jesus and said, "Come bubbela, they don't want us here anymore."
“A guy went to daven mincha in Borough Park,” it said, meaning to say the afternoon prayer in one of Brooklyn’s religious neighborhoods.
“And he walked into a shul, but he was embarrassed to put on a mask because no one else was wearing a mask.
Finally he saw someone in the back that was wearing a mask, he said: OK, I’ll put on a mask and sit with that guy in the back.
He went to the back, next to the guy, a Hasidic guy, the guy looked at him and said, ‘Oh, you also have Covid?’”
Yankel was really into golf, but in truth, he wasn't very good. He figured if he had more practice he'd better.
Problem was, he worked hard every day. He finally figured he'd sneak out to the course early Shabbos morning and get a round in before going to shul.
He gets to the first tee, lines up his shot, and gets his first ever ace ! He can't believe it, and goes to the second tee. Amazingly, he gets another hole-in-one !. He has no idea what's going on, but he's really enjoying it. He makes it through the entire course with 18 aces.
After the last one, he looks up and says "G-d, what's going on here ?" G-d answers "Who are you going to tell?"
|What do you call an Irish jew?
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