Jewish Humour 69
|Moscow Shul||Mrs. Goldberg||Tourist||Chinese Jews|
|Jewish Quarterback||Pussy Cats||In the Cards||Bacon Tree|
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Mrs. Goldberg went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors, Dr. Kleiner.
|The Iron Curtain has fallen, and the Russian government is finally allowing religious worship again.
The Great Synagogue of Moscow, which has had its doors sealed shut for 60 years, has finally been permitted to reopen.
The security guard opens the gates, and the first Jews to enter the sanctuary in decades slowly make their way in.
One elderly man stares in amazement at the magnificent shul, the finely carved wooden benches,
the proud shulchan and the elegant stairs leading up to the aron kodesh.
Overcome with emotion at entering the building for the first time since he was a toddler, he stumbles over to the nearest pew and sits down heavily.
All of a sudden, someone taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me, comrade. Did you happen to notice a small plaque on your seat back?"
The man turns around. Sure enough, there is a small brass plaque on the back of the seat.
"Do you happen to recognize the name on the plaque?" the second man asks.
"No, as a matter of fact, I don’t," the old man replies.
"That’s because it’s my name. You're in my seat."
The tourist flew to Israel. At the airport, taking a taxi, he asks the taxi driver:
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."
|The Jewish Quarterback|
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank .
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
|In the Cards|
|Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg
|Back in the old days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days.
And then they saw an old Rabbi sitting beneath a tree.
The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Rabbi said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. Vye wud I lie?"
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to where the old Rabbi who's enjoying a "glusela tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Rabbi holds up his hand and says "Oy vas meir, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
"Oy Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not ha bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!
|Woman lying on a deserted beach. An attractive man sets his towel close to hers. He opens a book and begins reading.
She says “Nice day.” He says “Yes... it is.” And he goes back to reading.
“Do you come to the beach often?” She asks. “Occasionally.” He replies, and returns to his book.
Trying to relate and desperate to make conversation the woman asks, “Do you like pussy cats?”
With that, the man drops his book an makes mad passionate love to her right there on the beach!
When the dust settles, the woman, breathless says, “How did you know that’s what I needed?”
The man said, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
|Two older men are talking and Chaim, the older one, says to Ben , the younger one;
“ Sos I hear you got married “
“Yes” says Ben
Chaim asks “ so, is it hard to combine two lives after all this time?”
Ben says “ not really , I had to get new towels so we have a his and hers. We had to get new coffee cups so we have a his and a hers .”
“Yes but what about the important stuff? How’s the sex?” Asks Chaim
Ben plainly states infrequently..........
Chaim asks “ is this one or two words?”
Joseph, a deeply religious man, went to temple one Sabbath and forgot his Tallit, so he borrowed one from "the rack" at the temple.
At the end of the service, he realized that he really liked this Tallit so much so that he actually decided to stuff it down the front of his trousers and take it home. After the service when he was walking through the reception line, the Rabbi Lionel stopped him and whispered, 'Joseph, I am sorry, but I saw you stuff a tallit down your pants. Why would you do this?' Joseph, totally embarrassed and ashamed, explained the situation, whereupon Rabbi Lionel suggested he remove it from his trousers and give it back.
By now, the Tallit had managed to slide half-way down his leg. While Joseph was bent over pulling the it out of his pant leg, he accidentally let out a loud fart. Rabbi Lionel, exasperated, said, 'Joseph ... you took the Shofar, too?'
|After a very bad bout in the hospital (pacemaker, catheter, the whole thing), Dovid had just gotten transferred to a nursing care facility to complete his healing before he could head home. He was still pretty out of it, but nevertheless he was getting checked into his private room. The kind nurse was helping him from the wheelchair onto the bed and sat him down with a big heave-ho. Suddenly my Dovid shrieked in pain. "Ay gevalt!! My penis!!! It's stuck under my leg!!" "Which one?!!!" said the nurse, responding to the urgent situation. "I only have one penis, kinehora!!"|
Menachem Begin, Yasser Arafat and Walter Mondale were traveling together on an IDF jet to a peace conference in Geneva. Nobody was talking.
After an hour the pilot opened the cockpit to speak with them. He looked like a movie star with the fearless swagger of a battle tested fighter jock. “Excuse me, we have engine trouble, we will land in Cyprus. If we don’t make it we give you parachute and you bail out” The pilot opened a locker, two packs came out. Mondale said,” there are only two parachutes for three people, what do you expect us to do?” The pilot said,” You can work something out”.
At that point Arafat grabbed one of the packs, went to the back, pulled the switch for the emergency exit and jumped out. Mondale now whiter than a Minnesota winter asked Begin what’s going to happen since there’s only one parachute? The pilot continued, “Don’t worry, this is a Jewish plane, we fly with a minyan. There are at least ten parachutes on board”. He turned around and went back to the cockpit.
Begin and Mondale sat down for a round of Scotch. Begin began, “Valter there’s nothing wrong with the plane. The pilot is Danny Dyan, Moshe’s grandson; he’s a comedian. When he’s not flying he does standup in Tel Aviv. It was all a joke.” Mondale asked if Arafat was going to make it to the conference in Geneva. Begin remarked,” I don’t think so, before Yasser jumped he took my Tallis bag”!
A Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds on the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury.
They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for six. They asked the butler why six, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
|. A woman called the switchboard of a hospital and asked how Mrs. Levinson in room 102 was doing. The switchboard operator put her on hold for a minute, then came back and reported: “Mrs. Levinson in room 102 is doing very well! Why, just this morning her lab work came back and everything is normal. Her doctor is pleased and says she will be able to go home next week.”
“Hurray!” shouted the caller.
“You must be a relative to be so happy,” observed the switchboard operator.
“No,” explained the caller, “I’m Mrs. Levinson in room 102. Nobody tells me anything!”
|Two Astronauts Land on Mars|
| Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
'Give me the box of matches.” Says one.”- either it burns and there is oxygen, .... Or nothing happens,'
He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match, when out of the blue, a Martian appears waving his arms....
'No, no, don't! 'says the Martian The two guys look at each other, worried.
Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?
Still, he takes another match ... and ...
A crowd of hysterical Martians appear, all waving their arms:
'No, no, don't do that!'
One of the astronauts says, 'This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to find out if man can breathe on Mars.”
So, he strikes a match – which flames up, burns down and .... NOTHING HAPPENS!'
Perplexed, he turns to the Martians and asks, 'Why did you try to prevent us from striking a match?'
The leader of the Martians said....”its Shabbos!”
|Moshe walks down the street one day, looking for a nice place to get lunch. He actually notice his rabbi walking across the street. Rabbi Yaacov sees moshe, walking and apparently looking for something. Suddenly Moshe gets into this Korean bbQ place... very curious and surprise the rabbi cross the street and look through the window and moshe is sitting down at a table reading the menu!! This can't be possible..few minutes later moshe placed his order and in no time the waiter brings his first appetizer, grilled shrimp in bbq sauce.. rabbi is in disbelief.. what is happening!!!???!! Once all shrimp are gone, waiter again bring the main course, grilled pork chop with saute vegetable.. the rabbi will is stunned, does not understand what is happening.. how come?? after a little while, moshe is done with lunch and ready to go and exit the restaurant.. of course only to face the rabbi waiting for him outside..:
Rabbi: Moshe !!! how come? how did you? how could you??
Moshe: What do you mean Rabbi? Wasn't I eating under rabbi supervision?
|Rabbi is driving down the road, and sees a member of his congregation walking dejectedly down the sidewalk. He pulls up and asks him, "What is wrong?" "My business is failing. I have tried everything and nothing works and I am thinking about suicide." The Rabbi tells him, "Well, I don't know about business, but when I have exhausted every other option, I get out my bible, close my eyes, open the book and whatever I am pointing to, that's what I do." "OK, I'll try it."
A while later the Rabbi is driving once again, sees the same man walking down the sidewalk with a spring in his step, and pulls up next to him. Immediately the man says, "Rabbi, you're a genius!" The Rabbi says, "Tell me - what happened?!?" The man replies, "I went home and did exactly what you said. I got out my bible, closed my eyes, pointed and opened my eyes to see what it said." "What did it say?" exclaimed the Rabbi.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
| A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in
the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at
a small makeshift display rack -- selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment -- I spit on your
ties. I need water!
"Sorry, I have none -- just ties -- pure silk -- and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must
conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me,
threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the
east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go in Peace!
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!"
|It’s opening night on Broadway and the scalpers are having a field day; no tickets are to be had. A middle-aged couple sees that next to them is a littleold Jewish lady sitting next to an empty seat. The man asks,“Whose seat is that?” and the old lady replies, “My late husband, Irving Bernstein.” He says, “I’m sorry but surely you must have some friends or relatives who would have wanted to come and see the show!” She replies, “Yes, but they’re all at the funeral.”|
Schlomo loved cruising and over the years he had been aboard every cruise ship of every major cruise line. Finding them all the same, he decided to try cruising on the smallest ships he could find. That was a mistake, because while aboard the HMS Farschlugen in the South Pacific, the ship encountered a rogue wave and sunk. Schlomo was a strong swimmer (he swam competitively in high school and college, and worked as a life guard at Coney Island during the summers) and after two days at sea he washed ashore on a deserted island.
After a week on the island Schlomo realized he might be there for a while and he set about settling in for the long run.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and loosening the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Schlomo and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?” "Ten years," replied the stunned Schlomo.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of Padilla Vintage Reserve Churchill cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag and said “Guschmack” (tasty) I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good old Glenlivet 25 year old single malt scotch” asked the blonde. Trembling, Schlomo replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there, and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Got en Himmell” said Schlomo, " 'It’s fantastic!!!”
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at Schlomo, who at this point was trembling, and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?” With tears in his eyes, Schlomo fell to his knees and sobbed, "Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!”.
|“Yitzy, you’re in terrific shape for a 60-year-old. You have the body of a 35 year old. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?”
“Who said my father died?”
“Wow! How old is he, and is he active?”
“Dad’s 82 and skis or surfs three times a week.”
“Amazing! How old was your grandfather when he died?”
“Who said my grandfather died?”
“You’re kidding. How old is he, and is he active?”
“Grandpa is 102, still skis and surfs, and he’s getting married again.”
“Why on earth would a 102-year-old want to get married again?”
“Who said he wanted to? His mother pressured him into it!”
|Sadie’s son was recently married. One day while she was out shopping she found herself near his home so she decided to stop by and say hello. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked close by the door.
“What are you doing?” Sadie asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work.,” her daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re NAKED!” She exclaimed.
“This is my Love Dress.” Her daughter-in-law explained.
“Love Dress? But you’re naked!”, said Sadie.
“Your son loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” Not wanting to argue, Sadie left.
On the way home, Sadie thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited, naked, by the front door.
Finally, Sol, her husband, got home. He walked in and saw her standing by the door.
“What are you doing?” Sol exclaimed.
“This is My Love Dress.” Sadie replied.
“Needs ironing,” Sol said.
|A man is laying on the table about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "son, think of it this way...if anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
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