harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 19
Question
New Songs
Talmudic Logic
Your Seder
Passover Story
If you knew what I have
Marriage
Chometz Thing
Dr. Seuss Revised

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before... 
Some new songs for your Haggadah
  There's No Seder Like our Seder
(sung to the tune of "There's no Business like Show business")
There's no seder like our seder,
There's no seder I know.
Everything about it is halachic
Nothing that the Torah won't allow.
Listen how we read the whole Haggadah
It's all in Hebrew
'Cause we know how.
There's no Seder like our seder,
We tell a tale that is swell:
Moses took the people out into the heat
They baked the matzoh
While on their feet
Now isn't that a story
That just can't be beat?
Let's go on with the show!
==================
Take Us Out of Egypt
(sung to the tune of "Take me out to the ball game")
Take us out of Egpyt
Free us from slavery
Bake us some matzoh in a haste
Don't worry 'bout flavor--
Give no thought to taste.
Oh it's rush, rush, rush, to the Red Sea
If we don't cross it's a shame
For it's ten plagues,
Down and you're out
At the pesach history game.
==================
Elijah
(to the tune of "Maria" from W. Side Story)
Elijah!
I just saw the prophet Elijah.
And suddenly that name
Will never sound the same to me.
Elijah!
He came to our seder
Elijah!
He had his cup of wine,
But could not stay to dine
This year--
Elijah!
For your message all Jews are waiting:
That the time's come for peace
and not hating--
Elijah--
Next year we'll be waiting.
Elijah!

==================
Just a Tad of Charoset
(to the tune of "Just a spoon full of sugar")
Chorus:
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
The bitter herbs go down, the bitter herbs go down.
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
In the most disguising way.
Oh, back in Egypt long ago,
The Jews were slaves under Pharoh.
They sweat and toiled and labored
through the day.
So when we gather pesach night,
We do what we think right.
Maror, we chew,
To feel what they went through.
Chorus
So after years of slavery
They saw no chance of being free.
Their suffering was the only life they knew.
But baby Moses grew up tall,
And said he'd save them all.
He did, and yet,
We swear we won't forget.
That......
Chorus
While the maror is being passed,
We all refill our water glass,
Preparing for the taste that turns us red.
Although maror seems full of minuses,
It sure does clear our sinuses.
But what's to do?
It's hard to be a Jew!!!
Chorus
==================
Les Miselijah
(to the tune of "Do you hear the people Sing" from Les Miserables)
Do you hear the doorbell ring,
And it's a little after ten?
It can only be Elijah
Come to take a sip again.
He is feeling pretty fine
But in his head a screw is loose.
So perhaps instead of wine
We should only give him juice.
==================
Same time next year
(to the tune of "Makin' Whoopee")
Another pesach, another year,
The family seder with near and dear...
Our faces shining,
All thoughts of dining
Are put on hold now.
We hear four questions,
The answer given
Recalls the Jews from Egypt driven.
The chrain is bitter, (charoses better!)
Please pass the matzoh.
Why is this evening different
From all the other nights?
This year the Jews all over
Are free to perform the rites.
A gorgeous dinner--who can deny it--
Won't make us thinner, to hell with diet!
It's such great cooking...
and no one's looking,
So just enjoy it.
Moving along at steady clip
Elijah enters, and takes a sip;
And then the singing with voices ringing
Our laughter mingling.
When singing about Chad Gad Ya.
Watch close or your place you'll lose,
For Echad Mi Yodea:
Which tune shall we use?
We pray next Pesach
We'll all be here.
It's a tradition...
Same time next year...
So fill it up now, the final cup now,
Next year at ....
==================
The Ballad of the Four Sons
(to the tune of "Clementine")
Said the father to his children,
"At the seder you will dine,
You will eat your fill of matzoh,
You will drink four cups of wine."
Now this father had no daughters,
But his sons they numbered four.
One was wise and one was wicked,
One was simple and a bore.
And the fourth was sweet and winsome,
he was young and he was small.
While his brothers asked the questions
he could scarcely speak at all.
Said the wise one to his father
"Would you please explain the laws?
Of the customs of the seder
Will you please explain the cause?"
And the father proudly answered,
"As our fathers ate in speed,
Ate the paschal lambe 'ere midnight
And from slavery were freed."
So we follow their example
And 'ere midnight must complete
All the seder and we should not
After 12 remain to eat.
Then did sneer the son so wicked
"What does all this mean to you?"
And the father's voice was bitter
As his grief and anger grew.
"If you yourself don't consider
As son of Israel,
Then for you this has no meaning
You could be a slave as well."
Then the simple son said simply
"What is this," and quietly
The good father told his offspring
"We were freed from slavery."
But the youngest son was silent
For he could not ask at all.
His bright eyes were bright with wonder
As his father told him all.
My dear children, heed the lesson
and remember evermore
What the father told his children
Told his sons that numbered four.

 

Ten Ways to Tell You've Too Many People at Your Seder
10. You can't find anywhere out of sight to hide the afikomen.
9. To recline while drinking the wine, you all have lean in unison.
8. You have to sketch your living/dining room on graph paper.
7. You have to use a microscope to divvy up the knaidlach.
6. When you rotate the verses of "Echad Mi Yodea?", someone ends up
    singing "Who knows 39? I know 39."
5. You start looking at ads for closed circuit TV and auxiliary speakers.
4. While waiting for everyone to wash their hands the second time, the matza rises.
3. Even the kids complain that they don't have enough maror.
2. When you recite the names of the ten plagues, the locusts really ring a bell.
1. When Elijah shows up, and you have to give him his wine "to go.
Dr. Seuss revised
"Read Across America" is encouraging adults to read to children.
Of course, "Green Eggs and Ham" is one the most popular Dr. Seuss books.  And there's the dilemma. How can Jewish kids celebrate with Green Eggs and Ham?

So, in honor (and with apologies to the estate) of  Dr. Seuss, Read Across America, Kids, and Kashrut, here's a new ending for the story.Sam!
Will you never see?
They are not KOSHER,
Let me be! I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them Sam-I-am. But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit.
Or I'll try them with some brisket.
I'll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox. And those green eggs are worth a try
Scrambled up inside some matzoh brie!
And in a boat upon the river,
I'll eat green eggs with chopped-up liver!

So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham.
Let your friends in on the scoop:
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!

Talmudic logic
After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow.  He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him.  The scholar looked at the young man and thought:  This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district.  On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going?
I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there.  But why would he be going to Samvet?  He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs.  The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.  But why is he going?  The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?
Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband.  Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken.  But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.  What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen?  Kovacs.  But if he changed his name he must have some special status.  What could it be?  A doctorate from the University.
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger.  "But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious"
Marriage
  A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak...
"Father, I am going to marry!"
His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila...  "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"
"O'Brien" replies the son... "She's Catholic..."
Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"
"I'm happy," says the son..
"Ok...as long as you're happy.... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha.
But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah...
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father... I too will be married soon!"
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises... "What is her name," implores the father?
"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox..."
"Oy," says Moisha... "But are you happy?"
"I'm happy, father..."
"Ok... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha...
Dejected, Moisha goes to the Shul to pray.. "Please God... let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE!"
Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"
"Her NAME?  WHAT IS HER NAME" his father immediately demands?
"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"
"No..." says Chutzpah...
"Hmmm," says Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?"
"Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah...
"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?
"Whoopi." says Chutzpah.
If you knew what I have
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.
  The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.
  Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."
  The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"
  The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah." 
Passover Story
    A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
    Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.
    The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
Not a Virus Problem, but a Chometz Thing
Now is the time to prepare to kasher your computer for Pesach (remember the halakhic decision of the Miekrosovter Rebbe, Velvele ("Vill") Getz that it is prohibited to use a computer on Pesach unless all hametz has been removed).
We introduce ANTI_HAMETZ the software that will purge your files of all non-kosher for Pesach words and allow you to use your computer on Pesach and free you from the obligation to sell it to a gentile.
ANTI_HAMETZ will substitute the word "Matzah" for "bread" and delete all other non-kosher words, substituting asterisks ***.
ANTI_HAMETZ comes in three versions: Kosher, Kitniyot and Gebrocht. All versions are under Rabbinical supervision and bear the hekhsher YK2000.
No one's files are completely hametz free. Look at this seemingly innocuous sentence.
"He has been speaking about the price of flowers bred in Bethlehem."
Here is what Kosher ANTI_HAMETZ will do: He has been speaking about the price of *****s matzah in Bethmatzah.
And Kitniyot ANTI_HAMETZ :
He has ****(1) s***king(2) about the p****(3) of *****s matzah in Bethmatzah.
(1) beans are kitniyot
(2) peas are kitniyot
(3) rice is not eaten on Pesach by Ashkenazim
REJOINDER: Do not base any halakhic decisions on this ad. It is possible that it is only a Purim parody. If you are worried about Hametz in your computer files ask a Rabbi. The most interesting decisions will be given by Rabbis on Purim, especially if they are sufficiently inebriated.
Question
Question: What's non-kosher yet permitted by the rabbis?
Answer: VIAGRA
Yes, the anti-impotence drug has been found to contain a tiny amount of animal matter, rendering it-one would think-treif.  But, Rabbi Abraham Blumenkrantz, an American Kashrut expert, says that, as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible.  But it is banned during Pesach--along with all other raising agents.
 
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