harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 20
Q & A
Conversion
Hermeneutics
Parachute to Safety
Pesach
Jewish Holiday
 NU Jewish Words
Answering Machine
Build an Ark
The Scholar
Jewish Wisdom
Commandments

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
"The Top 15 Signs Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed"
15. Telltale mouse ears on his new "yarmulke."
14. Sun worshipping appears to be the only thing accomplished that was even remotely religious.
13. Thinks that the Torah is something you wear to a frat party.
12. Comes back wearing a "Club Med: The Sea may be Dead, but not the night-life!" T-shirt.
11. You happen to know there are no High Holy Day services at Santa Anita Racetrack.
10. Kareem in Accounting keeps calling it "Yom Shakur."
9. As far as you know, circumcisions don't "grow back."
8. Doesn't know the difference between Hebrew and Home-brew.
7. She's complaining that Kathie Lee isn't really on all Carnival Cruises.
6. Claims he was observing "Chaka Khan."
5. Menorah on his desk displays three sleeves worth of golf balls.  (Menorah?  wait a minute... That's for
Hanukkah... wrong holiday! - LadyHawke)
4. Thinks "Rosh Hashanah" is a song by The Knack.
  3. His yarmulke has two cans of beer and a drinking straw.
2. "And if the rabbi sees his shadow when he comes out of the temple, there'll be four more months of
summer."
    and the Number 1 Sign Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed...

  1. Took off all of *last* month for Ramadan.

What if Ha-Shem Had an Answering Machine
We have learned to live with answering machines as a necessary part of modernization.  But what if  G-d decided to install an answering machine?
Imagine praying and hearing this:  "Thank you for calling Our Father’s House. Please select one of the following four options:
Press # 1 for requests.
Press # 2 for thanks.
Press # 3 for complaints.
For all other inquiries press #4."
What if G-d used the familiar excuse:  "All the Matriarchs and Patriarchs are helping other customers right now.  Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received."
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call upon Him in prayer?
"If you would like to speak to Abraham, press 1.  For Jacob, press 2.  For Rachel, press 3.  For Deborah, press 4.  For any other Matriarch, press 5.  For any other Patriarch, press 6."
"If you would like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 7."
"To find out if a relative or friend is here, press the letters of his/her name , press # ,enter his/her date of Yiskor and listen for the list that follows."
"For reservations at Our Father’s House, simply press the letters M-O-S-E-S,  followed by the numbers 6-1-3."
For nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, the location of Noah’s Ark, wait until you get here."
"Our computer shows that you have called once today already.  Please hang up immediately."
Parachute to Safety
   Gore and Dan Quayle were in New Hampshire campaigning.  In the spirit of bi-partisanship they shared an airplane between campaign stops.  On the plane with them were the Archbishop of New  Hampshire and the Lubavitcher rabbi.
   As they crossed the White Mountains the plane lost power and the pilot bailed out.  The remaining four quickly counted parachutes and found only three.
   Gore shouted, "I'm the Vice President.  I have to survive!" grabbed a 'chute and jumped.  Dan Quayle shouted, "I'm the only hope for the Republican party and I have to survive!", grabbed a 'chute and jumped.
   The Archbishop turned to the rabbi and said, "Rabbi, I am an old man.  I am not married and have fathered no children.  Take the last parachute and save yourself."
   The Lubavitcher rabbi replied, "Fear not, Father, there are two chutes left.
   Dan Quayle jumped with my tallis and tefillin."
Conversion
A Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest enjoyed teasing their Rabbi friend, continually asking him when he was going to convert to their religion. When the Holidays rolled around, the Rabbi sent them the following card:

"Season's Greetings!
Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish;
When the Messiah comes,
you'll wish you were Jewish!!"

Commandments
This is a little known tale of how G-D came to give us the Ten Commandments.
  G-D first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
 "What's a commandment," they asked.
  "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-D.
  The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."
  So then G-D went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
  They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
  "Well," said G-D, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
  The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
  So finally G-D went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.
  They asked, "How much?"
  G-D said, "They're free."
  The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."
Jewish Wisdom
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.      Richard Lewis

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
      David Steinberg I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
             Henny Youngman Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
    Mel Brooks The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
      Jules Farber Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
      Lenny Bruce God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?
    Shalom Aleichem The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
    Golda Meir Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.     Peter Malkin Humility is no substitute for a good personality.     Fran Lebowitz My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disreali It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
    Sam Levenson Don't be humble; you are not that great.     Golda Meir God will pardon me. It's His business.        Heinrich Heine I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.        Joe E. Lewis Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.  A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sam Goldwyn Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.     Arthur Miller I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
         Jackie Mason I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
         Woody Allen Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?  Groucho Marx Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy    Groucho Marx A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.   Oscar Levant Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
      George Burns Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.      Mort Sahl A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.    Milton Berle Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.    (uncredited) I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.    Sam Goldwyn Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.     Ernie Kovacs With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.      George Burns

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.   Henry Kissinger

Pesach
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you.
However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind. I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.  I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it any more than this.  You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No. I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me. It hasn't been easy.I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Pesach. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter, who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets, and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you  don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do  anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up witha new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."
Q & A
Q: Why aren't Jewish Mothers attacked by sharks?
A: Professional respect.

Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Bloomingdale's?
A: So her daughter would visit twice a week. Q: Why was Moses' Jewish Mother so happy?
A: She not only had fun in bed, but she made a prophet! Q: What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her customer?
A: You never write, you never call, you only visit when you need money.  Q: What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when the daughter told her she had an affair?
 A: Who catered it?  Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?
 A: Gefiltered.  Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?
 A: Guilt.  Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
 A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.  Q: What is a genius?
 A: An average student with a Jewish Mother.

 Q: What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a vulture?
 A: A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out!

Try to Build an Ark Today
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You had better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?"
A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems.
 Noah explained, "First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.
"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees--to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me cut anymore
wood.
 Then when I told them I needed a pair of owls to take on the Ark, they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.
Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
 They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
 "Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many
minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."
 With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord, "the government already has."
Nu Jewish Words
CHUTZPAH
n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

DISORIENT
n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up  a conversation with everyone she passes. DEJA GNU
n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when. IMPOST
n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant. JUDO
n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot. AFIKOMMENTS
n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo. ASHKESHNOZZIM
n. A nose the shape of Florida and the size of medium potato. TORAHFIED
n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT
n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it. JEWBILATION
n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish. YENTILITY
n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include, "trust me," "your secret is safe with me" and "if you can't tell me, who can you tell?" YIDENTIFY
vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor. KINDERSCHLEP
vb. To be called on to carpool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan. MAMATZAH BALLS
n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make. MATZILATION
n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it. BLINTZKRIEG
n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!"  Particularly common 4-6 hours after special occasion gluttony. BUBBEGUM
n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. MINYASTICS
n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan. MEINSTEIN
slang. "My son, the genius." RBIs AND TELL
n. A detailed description given by parents of their child's circumcision, generally spoken quite loud in front of the grown child and those people he would least like to hear the story. DISCAHKENTUDE
n. Looking like one isn't involved while one's dog goes to the  bathroom on a neighbor's lawn. DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business school,  as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.) FLEISHADICK
n. A Jewish flasher. FEELAWFUL
n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food. GOYFER
n. A gentile messenger. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah. HEBRUTE
n. Israeli aftershave. HINDSTEIN
n. A Semitic smart-ass. ISROYALTY
n. Major contributors to the UJA, the JUF, or the IEF. MISHPOCHAMARKS
n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collars after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception. RE-SHTETLEMENT
n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you. ROSH HASHANANA
n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn. SANTASHMANTA
n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas. SCHMUCKLUCK
n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy. SHIKSABOB
n. A special meal that Muffy O'Brien prepares for Morris Greenblatt. SHOFARSOGUT
n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur. BAGELA
n. A gay Jewish baker.

BIALY ACHE
n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in law's.

The Scholar
After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow.  He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
 At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him.  The scholar looked at the young man and  thought:  This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a  peasant he probably comes from  this district.
 If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because  this is, after all, the Jewish  district.  On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going?   I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.   Wait - just outside Moscow  there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special  permission to go there.
 But why would he be going to Samvet?  He's probably going to visit one of  the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet?

 Only two - the  Bernsteins and the Steinbergs.  The  Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.   But why is he going?  The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their
 son-in-law.  But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?   Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a  businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband.  Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen,  if I'm not mistaken.  But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism  they have there, he must  have changed his name.  What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen?  Kovacs.  But if he changed his name he must have some special status.  What could it be?  A doctorate from the University.

  At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"
  "Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger.  "But how is it that you know my name?"
 "Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious."

 
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