|Q & A
Parachute to Safety
NU Jewish Words
|"The Top 15 Signs Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed"|
Telltale mouse ears on his new "yarmulke."
14. Sun worshipping appears to be the only thing accomplished that was even remotely religious.
13. Thinks that the Torah is something you wear to a frat party.
12. Comes back wearing a "Club Med: The Sea may be Dead, but not the night-life!" T-shirt.
11. You happen to know there are no High Holy Day services at Santa Anita Racetrack.
10. Kareem in Accounting keeps calling it "Yom Shakur."
9. As far as you know, circumcisions don't "grow back."
8. Doesn't know the difference between Hebrew and Home-brew.
7. She's complaining that Kathie Lee isn't really on all Carnival Cruises.
6. Claims he was observing "Chaka Khan."
5. Menorah on his desk displays three sleeves worth of golf balls. (Menorah? wait a minute... That's for
Hanukkah... wrong holiday! - LadyHawke)
4. Thinks "Rosh Hashanah" is a song by The Knack.
3. His yarmulke has two cans of beer and a drinking straw.
2. "And if the rabbi sees his shadow when he comes out of the temple, there'll be four more months of
and the Number 1 Sign Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed...
1. Took off all of *last* month for Ramadan.
|What if Ha-Shem Had an Answering Machine|
have learned to live with answering machines as a necessary part
of modernization. But
what if G-d decided to install an answering machine?
Imagine praying and hearing this: "Thank you for calling Our Father’s House. Please select one of the following four options:
Press # 1 for requests.
Press # 2 for thanks.
Press # 3 for complaints.
For all other inquiries press #4."
What if G-d used the familiar excuse: "All the Matriarchs and Patriarchs are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received."
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call upon Him in prayer?
"If you would like to speak to Abraham, press 1. For Jacob, press 2. For Rachel, press 3. For Deborah, press 4. For any other Matriarch, press 5. For any other Patriarch, press 6."
"If you would like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 7."
"To find out if a relative or friend is here, press the letters of his/her name , press # ,enter his/her date of Yiskor and listen for the list that follows."
"For reservations at Our Father’s House, simply press the letters M-O-S-E-S, followed by the numbers 6-1-3."
For nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, the location of Noah’s Ark, wait until you get here."
"Our computer shows that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately."
|Parachute to Safety|
| Gore and Dan Quayle were in New Hampshire campaigning. In
the spirit of bi-partisanship they shared an airplane between campaign stops. On
the plane with them were the Archbishop of New Hampshire and the Lubavitcher
As they crossed the White Mountains the plane lost power and the pilot bailed out. The remaining four quickly counted parachutes and found only three.
Gore shouted, "I'm the Vice President. I have to survive!" grabbed a 'chute and jumped. Dan Quayle shouted, "I'm the only hope for the Republican party and I have to survive!", grabbed a 'chute and jumped.
The Archbishop turned to the rabbi and said, "Rabbi, I am an old man. I am not married and have fathered no children. Take the last parachute and save yourself."
The Lubavitcher rabbi replied, "Fear not, Father, there are two chutes left.
Dan Quayle jumped with my tallis and tefillin."
A Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest enjoyed teasing their Rabbi friend,
continually asking him when he was going to convert to their religion. When
the Holidays rolled around, the Rabbi sent them the following card:
| This is a little known tale of how G-D came to give us the Ten Commandments.
G-D first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
"What's a commandment," they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-D.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."
So then G-D went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said G-D, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
So finally G-D went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
G-D said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."
Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. Richard
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. Henry Kissinger
calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something
to tell you.
However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind. I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it any more than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No. I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me. It hasn't been easy.I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Pesach. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter, who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets, and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up witha new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."
|Q & A|
| Q: Why aren't Jewish Mothers attacked by sharks?
A: Professional respect.
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Bloomingdale's?
Q: What's the difference between a Jewish
Mother and a vulture?
|Try to Build an Ark Today|
Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain
until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed.
But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet.
I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered
the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling
with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You had better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?"
A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems.
Noah explained, "First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.
"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees--to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me cut anymore
Then when I told them I needed a pair of owls to take on the Ark, they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.
Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many
minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord, "the government already has."
|Nu Jewish Words|
n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission
to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found
an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.
If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there.
But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet?
Only two - the
Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family,
so he must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The
Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How
do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"
Israeli History in a Nutshell
World Wide Jewish Publications
History of Israel
All Things Jewish
Jewish Communities of the World