harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 28
  Dying Man
Esther
Hebrew Phrase Letter Play
Japanese Marital Problem
Jewish Haiku
Song - Passover Song
Song - Take Me Out To The Seder
Song - The Eight Nights of Passover
Song - Paraoh doesn't Pay
Purim Q & A
Purim Episodes of Prime Time TV
Ten Reasons to Celebrate Purim
Vote Pandering
Who Can You Say Kaddish For

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
A Passover Song

  [Sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favourite things"]

  Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
  Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
  Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
  These are a few of our Passover things.

  Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
  Shankbones and Kiddish and Yiddish neuroses
  Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
  These are a few of our Passover things.

  Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
  Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
  Matzoh balls floating and eggshell that cling
  These are a few of our Passover things.

  When the plagues strike
  When the lice bite
  When we're feeling sad
  We simply remember our Passover things
  And then we don't feel so bad.

Take Me Out To The Seder
  (To the tune of , of course, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame!")

  Take me out to the Seder
  Take me out with the crowd.
  Feed me on matzah and chicken legs,
  I don't care for the hard-boiled eggs.
  And its root, root, root for Elijah
  That he will soon reappear.
  And let's hope, hope, hope that we'll meet
  Once again next year!

  Take me out to the Seder
  Take me out with the crowd.
  Read the Haggadah
  And don't skip a word.
  Please hold your talking,
  We want to be heard.
  And lets, root, root, root for the leader
  That he will finish his spiel
  So we can nosh, nosh, nosh and by-gosh
  Let's eat the meal!!!

The Eight Nights of Passover
  (To the tune of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas')

  On the first night of Passover my mother served to me

  1) a matzo ball in chicken soup
  2) two dipped herbs
  3) three pieces of matzah
  4) four cups of wine
  5) five gefilte fish
  6) six capons baking
  7) seven eggs a boiling
  8) eight briskets roasting

Paraoh doesn't Pay
  (To the tune of "I've been Working on the Railroad")

  We've been working on these buildings;
  Pharaoh doesn't pay.
  We've been doing what he tells us
  Mixing straw with clay.
  Can't you hear the master calling,
  "Hurry up, make that brick!"
  Can't you feel the master whip us
  'Til we're feeling sick.  Oy vay, it's a mess,
  A terrible distress,
  Oy vay, it's a mess for Jews, us Jews.   Moshe's in the palace with Pharaoh,
  Warning of all God's clout, clout, clout.
  Moshe's in the palace with Pharaoh,
  And God's gonna get us out!   We're singing . . . .
  Fee, Fi, Fiddely eye oh,
  Make our matzahs "to go" oh oh oh.
  Fee, Fi, Fiddely eye oh,
  Stick it to the ol' Pharaoh!  

Jewish Haiku

  It is common knowledge that poetry lovers have been frustrated by the fact that no poet has chosen to
  express Jewish themes and feelings in the haiku style (three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables respectively). Filling this gap in poetic literature, David M. Bader has recently written a book entitled, Haikus for Jews. Here are a few examples of his poetry:

Is one Nobel Prize 
so much to ask from a child 
after all I've done 
Five thousand years a 
wandering people--then we 
found the cabanas. 
In the ice sculpture 
reflected bar-mitzvah guests 
nosh on chopped liver. 
Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one's child 
is an internist. 
The same kimono 
the top geishas are wearing-- 
got it at Loehmann's. 
In a stage whisper 
a yenta confides the name 
of her friend's disease. 
Jewish triathlon-- 
gin rummy, then contract bridge, 
followed by a nap. 
Scrabble anarchy 
after 'putzhead' is placed on 
a triple-word score. 
The sparkling blue sea 
beckons me to wait one hour 
after my sandwich. 
Hava nagila, 
hava nagila, hava-- 
enough already. 
Would-be convert lost-- 
thawed Lender's Bagels made a 
bad first impression. 
Today, mild shvitzing. 
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz. 
Five-day forecast--feh 
Left the door open. 
for the Prophet Elijah. 
Now our cat is gone. 
Now that Koreans 
are "the New Jews," the old Jews 
can leave for Boca. 
Yom Kippur-forgive 
me, God, for the Mercedes  and all the lobsters. 
Hard to tell under 
the lights--white Yarmulke or  male-pattern baldness? 
No fins, no flippers 
the gefilte fish swims with 
some difficulty. 
Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt. 
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Tochis. 
Oy! To be fluent! 
Hey! Get back indoors! 
Whatever you were doing 
could put an eye out. 
Firefly steals into 
the night just like my former  partner, that gonif. 
Look, Beryl! I've found 
the most splendid tchochke for 
our Chanukah bush. 
Testing the warm milk 
on her wrist, she beams - nice, but  her son is forty. 
Lovely nose ring - 
excuse me while I put my 
head in the oven. 
After the warm rain, 
the sweet scent of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
Wet moss on the old  stone path - flat on my back, I  ponder whom to sue.  The long pilgrimage 
to the venerable shrine - 
Leonard's of Great Neck. 
Quietly murmured at Saturday services, Yanks 5, Red Sox 3. 
Hebrew Phrase Letter Play

by Alan Stillson

What would happen if one letter were changed in a loosely transliterated Hebrew phrase?  How would it change the meaning?
Slalom aleichem - greetings, all you Jewish skiers.

Am yisrael chat - the nation of Israel is engaged in conversation.

Char gadya - we'll have barbecued goat for Passover dinner.

Maoz tzar - the president of Russia will light candles this Chanukah.

Davis melech yisrael - the new king of Israel is thinking about reestablishing the Jewish state in Oakland, CA.

Bum gali gali - the farmers are now too lazy to work.

Shea yisrael - the Mets are planning their first exhibition game in Israel.

Java nagila - they're dancing the hora at the coffeehouse.

Lo yissa goo - I thank G-d for not being born a blob.

Pa nishtana - the kids are too young to ask the four questions, so Dad has to do it.

Tee chamocha - what golfer is like unto Tiger Woods?

LA tovu - how goodly are the tents of Los Angeles?

Shalom rag - peace to all our congregation members in the garment business.

Key mitzion - the torah has been locked up.

Ham tzfardaya - Pharaoh wished he had a French chef.

Boray prez hagafen - let's toast the chief executive.

Al naharot bagel - we'll see if Babylonian cream cheese and lox is good.

Yerushalayim shed zahav - it's the most expensive storage container in Jerusalem.

Nes gadol Maya sham - there was another great miracle in ancient Central America.

Hamotzi lechem fin haaretz - a blessing for a tuna sandwich.

Chanukah lattes - strong coffee to go with strong potato pancakes.

Car mitzvah - if only the legal driving age were 13.

Chug gadol hayehudim - drink your beer fast while reading the Megillah.

Simchat torch - the Israeli Olympics will start after the high holidays.

Vianachnu … modem - we'll download the words to "Aleinu L'shabeach."

Laila toy - she has to tuck in her dolly before she goes to bed.

Kapir Lane - may Clark Kent's co-worker be granted atonement.

Dor valor - the passing of courage from generation to generation.

El Ax - a major staff reduction at our favorite airline.

Sam shalom - may every American's favorite uncle enjoy a lasting peace.

If you like letter play and word play, here are some more sites featuring the work of Alan Stillson:
http://www.oneminutebrainers.com

Who can you say Kaddish for
This old gentleman's dear old dog passed away.  He was so attached to that dog that he went to his
Rabbi and asked if the Rabbi would say kadish for the dog.
The Rabbi said, "No, we only say kadish for humans, not animals.
However there is a new congregation two blocks down the street from here.
You can go there and ask if they will bless your dog.
The man thanked the Rabbi and said, "Do you suppose they would also accept my donation of $75,000?"
The Rabbi said, "Hold it -- come back. You didn't tell me the dog was Jewish."
Ten Reasons for Celebrating Purim
1. Making noise in shul is a MITZVAH!!
2. Levity is not reserved for the Levites.
3. Nobody knows if you're having a bad hair day.  You can tell them it's your costume.
4. Purim is easier to spell than Chanukah, I mean Hanukah, I mean, KHanukah, I mean Chanuka, I mean the Festival of Lights.
5. You don't have to kasher your home and change all the pots and dishes.
6. You don't have to build a hut and live and eat outside (but you could volunteer to build a new Purim booth for next year's Carnival).
7. You get to drink wine and drink wine and drink wine and you don't even have to stand for Kiddush (I guess you can't!).
8. You won't get hit in the eye by a lulav.
9. You can't eat hamantaschen on Yom Kippur.
10. Mordecai - 1 ; Haman - 0 !!!!
Japanese Marital Problem
Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha House. The first businessman says "Hiroo-san, I have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you."

Hiroo-san can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information."It is as I said, Hiroo-san.  Your wife is dishonoring you, and she is doing it with a foreigner of the Jewish faith." Shocked, Hiroo-san decides to go home and confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."

She replies, "That is a lie!  Where did you hear such mishigas?"

Vote Pandering
  Reports are that Hillary Rodham Clinton's quest for a Senate seat from New York improved after it became known that her step grandfather was Jewish.

  New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani now has reported that his second cousin's third wife once rode in a cab driven by a Jewish driver. He proclaimed that he is just as Jewish as Mrs. Clinton. "Anyone who disagrees with this, I'll personally give a smack on the tuchus." Vice President Al Gore, also dropped the news that he once roomed in college with a young man whose aunt briefly dated a Jewish dentist. "And once, while visiting New York, I enjoyed a piece of Halvah." Martin Peretz, publisher of the New Republic and longtime Gore supporter, said that Gore was over the house the other night for dinner, and insisted on a corned beef sandwich and a seltzer. "and when I brought it to him, he said, 'Ah gezunt af dein keppel.'"  Former Sen. Bill Bradley said that "Jewish people appreciate and admire intellectual achievement, and they would kvell if they knew my SAT scores or grades at Princeton. I know that Jewish people are obsessed with knowing which famous people are Jewish, whether it's movie stars or famous athletes or politicians, but I'm running a different kind of campaign, and I'm just not going to get into that stuff. So I won't even comment on the fact that my campaign treasurer's economics professor at Columbia once used a Jewish accountant."   Campaigning in Houston, Gov. George W. Bush, cut short a speech in Spanish to a Hispanic audience to ask directions to the nearest synagogue. When asked why, he said he did not want to look like he was engaging in the reprehensible practice of catering to Jewish voters, so he could not explain. But he did note a moment later that his wife's manicurist's therapist's uncle died that morning in Brooklyn, and he thought it would be appropriate to stop in to a synagogue and recite the traditional kiddush. Later, when asked if he meant the Kaddish prayer recited for the dead rather than the blessing over wine, Bush was annoyed. "Hey, I know about Jews and all their sensitivities. I read the Old Testament, I learned plenty in the Holy Land. I visited the Wailing Wall and saw where our Lord walked. And I kibbutzed around with folks on a kibbitz."   In New York, the Anti-Defamation League issued a statement decrying the growing hysteria among our political leaders to try to please Jewish voters who are far too sophisticated to fall for such crass attempts. "We won't tolerate anyone, including powerful politicians, being too nice to us," said ADL leader Abe Foxman. Rabbi Avi Weiss of Riverdale announced immediate plans to chain himself to the next politician who emphasizes his or her Jewish ties.

  Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton chastised the press for creating such a fuss in the first place over the fact that her grandmother had been married to a Jew. She said any talk of her leaking this information to improve her standing in the Jewish community was absurd. She then left for Western Maryland with her husband where they planned to rename their presidential retreat Camp Star of David.

Dying Man
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.  A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind."A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany.  Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay.  He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

Purim Q & A
Q.  Why didn.t Esther get Mordechai's e-mail telling her about Haman's plan to kill the Jews?

A. Because she had an Achashvirus.

 
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