harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 42
So NU
Last Words
The Bronze Rat
Learning to Be Jewish
Politically Correct Megillah
Politics
Haikus for Jews
Recovery Room
The General Store
Jewish Humor Books
Lot
The Visitor
Jewish Medicine
The Floridian Talmud
Jondy and Kenny in Shul
The World Famous Story of Purim

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
The World Famous story of Purim
by Meish Goldish 

 The story of Purim is an international tale.   King Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti. 
 " You Congo now!" he ordered her. After she had Ghana way, the king's messengers went Roman the land to find a new queen.

  Iran around all over and India end, the beautiful Esther won the crown.   Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman would Czech up on him daily.   "I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me!" Haman scolded Mordechai.

" USA  very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas! If you keep this up, Denmark  my words! I will have all your people killed! 

  Just Kuwait and see, you Turkey! "   Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothes--a custom known as Korea. 
  He urged Esther to plead with the king. 

  The Jews fasted for three days and grew very Hungary. 
  Esther approached the king and asked, 'Kenya Belize come to a banquet I've prepared for you and Haman?" 
  At the feast, she invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa.   The king asked, "Esther, why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me what you want. Up to half my United Kingdom will I give you." 

  Esther replied, "Spain full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to   kill  my people."   Haman's loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduran this scene. 

 " Oman!"  Haman cried bitterly. "Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews. 
  But that sneaky Mordechai - Egypt me! "   Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went immediately to the Netherlands. 

  And to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of  their foes as well. 
 " You lost your enemies and Uganda friend," the king smiled.   And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle. G-d decided to China   light on His chosen people. 

 So now, let's celebrate! Forget all your Syria's business and just be   happy!  Serb up some wine and Taiwan on! Happy Purim!!! 

Recovery Room
Irwin Sternmeyer was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Zelda, was sitting at his bedside.  His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, Zelda continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.  Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Zelda asked Irwin.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
Lot
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city and never look back.  But his wife did look back and so was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Last Words
Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.  One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer.  He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times.  When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck."
The Floridian Talmud
HYPO:  What should be done with one vote for two presidents?
  • Abbaya says, "If a man intended to vote for Gore, but voted for Buchanan, or intended to vote for Buchanan but voted for Gore, he has done nothing."
  • Rava says "he has fulfilled his obligation if he said, "Behold this vote is for president, Gore.  Behold this vote is for the Vice President, Lieberman."
  • Rav Pappa invalidates it if he merely intended Gore in his heart.
  • Mar Zutra says "it all goes according to his intention.  But if he voted for both Gore and Buchanan, unfortunate is his portion."  If the ballot appears as a butterfly and confounds his understanding, he should have opened his heart toward heaven.
  • Rav Huna says, "he who votes for Buchanan it is as if he worshipped idols, and even Yom Kippur does not atone for it!"
Jondy and Kenny in Shul
Little Johnny and his little brother Kenny were sitting together in Shul.
Kenny giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, Little Johnny had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in Shul!" he scolded.
"Why?  Who's going to stop me?" Kenny asked.
Little Johnny pointed to the back of the Temple and said, "See those two men standing by the door?  They're hushers!"
So NU?
President Clinton was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the CIA and FBI and asked them to figure it out. A week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something call shabbat (Sabbath), and they meet each other at the synagogue, and there is a code. They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret. It's ... "Nu?" When one says to other, "Nu?," the other tells him everything...every bit of news."

This Clinton wanted to see for himself. The secret service dressed him like a Hassid (very religious Jewish sect), and taught him to read from the right to the left in the siddur (Hebrew prayer book). Clinton arrived at a synagogue on shabbat, and sat beside another religious man. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
The man answered... "Shh, Clinton is coming!"

Jewish Medicine
A group of leading medical researchers have published data indicating that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses.
It seems that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil.
The brand name, of course, is..."Let My People Go.
Old Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing chai's which are too heavy.
This condition is called chaiatal hernia!"
If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?  A bris kit!
The Visitor
This evening, the doorbell rang. We live in a predominantly Jewish suburban neighborhood of single family houses, a demographic fact known far and wide.
I opened the door and was greeted by a nicely dressed man. "I have come to bring Jesus to your home," he said.
I reacted almost immediately and asked, "Is he coming for dinner?"
The man said, "He will come any time you are ready."
Aha, I had a live one. "Well, tonight we're having a stir fry. Does Jesus like chicken?" I asked.
The man's eyes glazed slightly.
"I don't know if he still keeps kosher, after all these years," I continued, "but this is a kosher home, so he'll be able to eat."
The man fumbled into a briefcase and handed me a printed brochure, which I ignored.
"If he wants to daven Mincha before he comes, the shul is only three blocks from here," I said.
He gulped, "What?"
I repeated my statement and added, "You mean Jesus Christ, don't you?"
He nodded.
I continued, "Born in Bethlehem?"
He nodded and started to back away from my door.
I smiled and said, "If that's the guy, he's Jewish."
As he started to turn away, I said, "You're invited too, but no butter on your dinner roll" and the guy almost ran down the walk.
My wife asked me who was at the door and I told her, "Some friend of Jesus."
She knows me. She shrugged. "And did you invite him in?" she asked.
I nodded, "Sure. I invited him and Jesus to dinner, but the guy ran away"
She walked back into her office, and said over her shoulder, "You don't speak Aramaic, dummy. Jesus would have a lousy evening here."
I told you, she knows me. I forgot all about the language problem.
Politics
Four men together:
#1:  "Oy!"
#2:  (after a long pause) "Oy vey!"
#3:  (after an even longer pause) "Nu?"
#4:  "Look, if you guys won't stop discussing politics, I'm leaving!"
The Bronze Rat

A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very life like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

   He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
  "Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner.
  The man gave the man twelve shekels. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

  As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was so disconcerting that he began walking faster.
But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

  He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned. 

  The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze Yasser Arafat."

The General Store

Jack Rosen, a garment salesman on the road, stopped his car on the main street of a small town in rural Alabama.  Tired and hungry and unable to find a restaurant, he walked into a general store that sold hardware and farm supplies and also served food.

"What can I do for you?" the proprietor asked.
"You handle maybe fertilizer?" asked Jack.
"Sure do!"
"Good," said Grossman.  "Wash your hands and make me, please, a cheese sandwich."

Learning to Be Jewish
  We were baby-sitting for my grandkids and my wife was playing a word game with cards with the five-year-old, Brittany Goldberg.  (Yes --that's her name -- I couldn't make that one up!)
   The little one had just drawn her second "O," and was trying to make a word with the other letters she had.  She put them together in front of her, switching the letter cards and looking for a word she knew.
  Then with a triumphal cry, she said "look Grandma, I made a word!"
  When my wife looked at her cards, she had lined up the cards to spell K-O-O-B.
  Beckie asked, "What kind of word is 'koob'?"
" No Grandma, you're not saying it right -- it says 'book'."
  Beckie had a sinking feeling.  Has the little one got dyslexia, she wondered?  She said gently, "But, darling, you've spelled it backwards!"
  With a sigh reserved for dumb adults, she explained, "Of course I have.  I'm
Jewish!"
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