Gefilte
Fishing |
By
Lawrence Sherry
Many times I have been upset by people who seem
to think that gefilte fish is some kind of mixture you make in
the kitchen rather than one of Hashem's creatures. This
has led me to explain exactly what a gefilte fish is. So
once again here goes.
Each
year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located
up state New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is
thin enough to break the surface, frum fishermen set out to "catch"
gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish can not be caught
with a rod and a reel or your standard bait. The art of catching
gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe thousands of years. For
all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure that
the Great Rambam (Maimonides) when he wasn't busy playing doctor
spent his
leisure time Gefilte fishing. Enough
already, you say, so how is it done?
Well you go up to the edge of lake with some Matzoh. Now this is
very important!! It has to be Shmurah Matzoh or the fish will not
be attracted. You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say "here
boy", "here boy". The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzoh They
come in mass to the edge of the lake where they jump into the jars
and are bottled on the spot.
Again you must remember
that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong and the weak. The weak are your standard
fish which are in a loose "broth" (it is actually the lake water).
Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a "jell". These fish
are actually imported from the Middle East where they are caught in the
dead sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that "jell."
Last year a well
meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Reb, shouldn't they be saying "Here Boychic". I didn't
have the heart to tell him, Boychic is a Yiddish word and Gefilte
Fish don't understand Yiddish only Hebrew and surprisingly, English!
There has been a big debate as to whether to use the Hebrew or English
in the US. With a big break from tradition,shockingly the English is accepted
by almost all Gefilte fishermen. Some still insist on using the
Hebrew and consider the use of "Here Boy" as Reform and not Halachicly
acceptable. However the Congress of OU Rabbis (who have to be present at
the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept "here boy"!
The time of the catch is very important! The fish can not be caught
before Purim
is over or the fish
are considered Chometz! Besides the fish know
when Pesach is coming and will not respond to the Matzoh before
the proper time. I am still a little bothered by which end of the
fish is the head and which the tail (not to mention that I am not
sure where their eyes are). This is a small price to pay the luxury
of eating this delicacy. Have you ever had
the baby Gefilte? Oy,
they are so cute that I feel a little guilty eating them!
Have
a great Pesach and hope that the Matzoh doesn't affect you like
Pepto Bismol or
worse
yet, prunes!
MORE STORY Oy, I forgot to mention about
the fish swimming up stream. I didn't think it was that important,
but I have got this Yenta sitting next to me that is married to some machugina
dentist from some hick town that keeps hocking me in chinic "they
swim up stream, they swim up
stream."
All right so I had
to get her off mine cup.
Go away Yenta and mind your own business. If you don't like
the way I tell the story, tell it yourself. You know I think that
I just discovered
the definition of a
Jewish wife. It's someone that nudges you to do
something and then when you finally do it just to get them off
your back, they become mavins and tell you how you should have
done it! OK not
all Jewish wives just the one who has been sitting next to me for
almost 40 years! |
Ritual
slaughter of the latke |
Raphael
Finkel
Presented at the Latke-Homentash Symposium
Hillel House, Madison, Wisconsin Purim, 1984
It
is well known that our tradition surrounds the most important
actions in life with
ritual. The importance of life-cycle
rituals and holiday-cycle rituals underscores their stature.
On the other hand, there is no particular ritual for, say,
hunting boars. The Jewish
tradition has nothing much to say about it, except that hunting
bores.
Eating
has long held a fascination for the Rabbinic mind, not to
mention the Rabbinic stomach. We are all
familiar with some
of the rituals involved with food: Washing the hands before going
to the supermarket, checking for the UO, reciting "Who brings the can opener out
of the drawer", and the injunction to leave a little food in the can for
the cat.
In the Talmud, there is a dispute whether searching diligently
for the UO itself fulfills the mitzvo of "bedikas hekhsher" or whether
one needs to also know the rules for affixing the UO, over which one recites
"lehagboa hekhsher". For example, did you know that according
to Rashi, the U_O must be in the upper third of the label, and
must be vertical, whereas according to Rabbenu Tam, it must be
sideways?
This attention
to detail is the hallmark of importance that we attribute to
food.
I want to raise your
conciousness (and maybe
your gorge) and explain to you the Torah-true Halakhic way in
which latkes must be prepared, according to Rambam's "Sefer", so called because each
chapter begins with the word "Sefer". In particular, Chapter 23 is called,
"Sefer example you want latkes." Anotherchapter, dealing with food poisoning,
is "Sefer
ways to can latkes". You may not be surprised to hear that there is no
mention whatsoever of Homentashen in this standard reference. They just
don't rate. In fact, the only reference I could find to Homentashen in
the whole Rabbinic literature, which I read through yesterday (in the Cliff
notes edition), was in a chapter on spinach homentashen in thejustifiably
obscure responsa of Poppy, the seltzer man. Say for example
you want latkes. The potato must be healthy. Any potato unable
to swim upstream with the current is considered sick, and you have
to wait until it recovers before you can use it. You have to properly
slaughter the potatoes. You need a knife sharp enough, in the
words of the Rambam,
so that it can cut
30 bunches of krokhmal in 10 strokes. I expect that's pretty
sharp.
You slaughter
the potato with a quick double cut, holding the knife so the
blade is facing up, attacking
the potato from
underneath.
If there are any
eyes on the potato, they must be facing up, so the potato doesn't
see the knife coming. The
stroke must
sever at least the main artery of the potato, although according
to Rambam, this is difficult with our modern potatoes, which
have no arteries, and
it suffices to cut at least .357 inches beneath the skin.
Any potato juice
that come out within the first spurt is treyf; you must let
it pour on the ground and
stomp on it, quoting
meanwhile from Deuteronomy, "thus be done to the manna whom the king delighteth
to honor."
You then check
the dead potato for health. If there is a hole between the
veena and the keyba, the potato
is treyf and may
not be eaten, although it may be used for a paperweight. If you
carve a dreydl out of it, the dreydl is kosher, but the knife
may only be used
as a screwdriver from then on. If there are any adhesions on
the skin, the potato is glatt treyf and must be discarded.
You must remove
the eyes (in Yiddish, this is known as "eyebering"); as long as they are not removed, the outer part of the
potato is treyf (literally, "the eyes have it".)
Modern latke
factories don't bother with the extremely time-consuming removal
of the eyes, so they sell the outer part of the potato to non-Jews.
You must be very
careful if you are making a large batch of latkes not to slaughter
two potatoes from
the same plant on the
same day. The Bible explicitly says, "You shall not slaughter it and its
plant-mate on the same day". The Talmud tells of a thief who stole two
potatoes and slaughtered them on the same day. As you know, the penalty
for stealing is that you must pay back double. But if you steal a potato
and slaughter it, you must pay back 5-fold. The Talmud records a discussion
about whether, when the thief slaughtered the second potato, he was obligated
to pay the 5-fold penalty or not, since he was by that same act guilty
of the "two on the same day" rule, and was thereby sentenced
to the harsher punishment of juggling 5 eggs and cleaning up
the mess. Let it be a lesson
to you: Buy each potato from a different store, you should never
have a problem.
If you peel the
potatoes, you are obligated to donate one twelfth of the peels to a Cohen, assuming
you have peeled
at least 20 potatoes and you have gotten at least 1/4 cup of
peels from each.
The best way to do this is to put the peels
in an envelope and mail
it to the first Cohen or Katz you find in the phone book. It
is also acceptable to stop people on the street, ask them if
they are Jewish, and if so, talk
them into performing this important mitzvo "putting out the peelings" themselves.
I could go on,
and I will.
Remember to salt
the potato and leave it to drain for at least 24 hours. We
do this in memory of Lot's
wife Latke, who was
turned to salt. Use a lotta salt, in memory of Lot's daughter,
Lotta.
You may wonder
why Sephardic Jews don't eat latkes. It stems from two differences
of interpretation. The
Torah speaks about
a "Poroh Aduma", a red potato without blemish. TheSephardim consider
red potatoes too holy to eat, so they avoid latkes. On the other hand, the
Ashkenazim think only Swiss
cheese is too holy to eat. They liken "Poroh Aduma" with "Pereh Odom",
the common person, and consider a red potato glatt kosher. Kosher airline
meals made with potatoes therefore always specify "red potatoes."
The other difference
of opinion is the meaning of "you shall not yoke them together". TheSephardim
read this as a prohibition of mixing eggs and potatoes. The Ashkenazim
say, andI quote "Love and Knishes", the authoritative
cookbook, "So nu, use two eggs already. Youwant more, so you should
use more."
Let me warn you
about applesauce. Its proper preparation is just as complex
as latkes themselves. It is
best to consult a competent
authority.
One last warning.
You may remember that the Megilla tells us that the Persians
cast latkes, which they called
Pur, from which
we get the name Purim. You must fry the latkes to make them kosher.
Let them burn a bit, in memory of the burnt offerings. But
don't do like the
Persians. Don't cast them. If you cast them, they'll turn out
Pur for you, too.
Postscript: At
the symposium at which I presented this talk, Barry Buchbinder
suggested that
homentashn have an aphrodisiac effect. My response: "Poppycock!" |
Farshtaist? (Do
You Understand?) |
We got this from a yiddishly challenged friend.
It's quite cute and informative to those speaking yiddish as another language.
(See the Glossary of Terms if you get stuck on a word) :)
Yiddish
was the secret code, therefore I
don't farshtaist,
A bisseleh maybe here and there, the rest
has gone to waste.
Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the
gist.
My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.
So och un vai as I should say, or
even oy vai iz mir,
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's
familiar to my ear.
And I'm no Chaim Yonkel, in fact I was
shtick naches,
But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I'm
talking out my tuchas. Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't
know it better
(Though it's really nishtkefelecht when one needs
to write a letter)
But, when it comes to characters, there's
really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen: They have
nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,
Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels, and
let's not forget schlemazel.
These words are so precise and descriptive to
the listener,
So much better than "a pill"
is to call someone 'farbissener'. Or - that
a brazen woman would be better called chaleria,
And you'll agree farklempt says more than does
hysteria.
I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not
a kvetch,
But isn't mieskeit kinder, than to call
someone a wretch? Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say,
"It's nechtiker tog, don't fear,
To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't
fill my ear.
A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to
interrupt,
But you are speaking narishkeit.....And A gezunt
auf dein kup!"
Glossary of Terms
Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
Bisseleh = A little
Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up
Och un vai = Alas and alack
Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
Pisk = mouth
Naches = Joy, Gratification
Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children
Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible
Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role
of being one
Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered;
dopey person
Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent
person; same as chlemiel
Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person;
one with perpetual bad luck
(it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup
on the Shlimazel!)
Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person
Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera.
Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.
Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on your nerves
(Lit., Don't bang your teapot!)
Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer
Mieskeit = Ugly
Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly
Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone! Forget it!
Nonsense!
(Lit., a night's day)
Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!
Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like;
Well said! Well done!
(Lit., A long life upon your head.)
Narishkeit = Nonsense
|
My
Son the Surgeon |
This
older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renown surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak
to his son. "Yes
Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember,
if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me.. your mother
is going to come and live with you and your wife." |
Goldblatt's
Hearing Aid |
Goldblatt
was showing off. He told his friend, "I bought a hearing aid
yesterday. It cost me two thousand bucks, but it
is state of the art."
"What kind is it?" his friend asked.
"A quarter of twelve," was the answer. |
House
Calls |
Years ago, doctors made house calls. It was much
a social visit as professional.
'Eat something, doctor.
You look terrible.'
He had to taste Mama's liver, tongue, and kidnets before she would let
him look at Papa's.
It was not unusual for the doctor to get sick at our
house." |
Purim
Around the World |
King
Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti. "You Congo now!",
he ordered her. After she had Ghana way, the king's messengers
went Roman the land to find a new queen. And India end, the beautiful Esther
won the crown.
Meanwhile,
Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman
would Czech up on him daily. "I Haiti you because you refuse
to bow to me!", Haman scolded Mordechai. "U.S.A.
very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas. If you keep this
up, Denmark my words! I will
have all your people killed!
Just Kuwait and see, you Turkey!"
Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothes--a
custom known as Korea. He urged Esther to plead with the king. The Jews
fasted for three days and grew very Hungary.
Esther
approached the king and asked, " Kenya Belize
come to a banquet I've prepared for you and Haman?" At the feast
she invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa. The
king asked, "Esther,
why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me what you want.
Unto half my United Kingdom
will I give
you."
Esther
replied, "Spain
full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to kill my people."
Haman's
loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduras this scene. "Oman!", Haman cried bitterly. "Iraq
my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews. But that sneaky
Mordechai--Egypt me!"
Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went immediately
to the Netherlands.
And
to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the
rest of their foes as well. "You lost your enemies and Uganda
friend," the king smiled. And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle.
G-d decided to China light on His chosen people.
So now let's celebrate! Forget all your Syria's
business and just be happy! Serb up some wine and Taiwan on!
|
GI
Insurance |
Airman Cohen was assigned to advise new recruits
about GI Insurance. Captain Smith noticed that he had almost a 100%
record for sales. Amazed, the captain stood in the back of
the room and listened to Cohen's pitch.
Cohen
explained the basics of GI Insurance, then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If
you don't have GI Insurance and you go into battle and get killed,
the government
only has to pay a maximum of $6,000."
"So you tell me," he concluded, "who do you think
they're going to send into battle first?" |
The
Wave |
A Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the
water while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet
when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly
over the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the
boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. She holds her hands to the
sky, screams and cries,"Lord, how could you?
Have
I not been a wonderful grandmother?
Have I not been a wonderful mother?
Have I not given to Bnai Brith?
Have I not given to Haddasah?
Have I not lit candles every Friday night
at sunset?
Have I not tried my very best to live a
life that you would be proud of?" A loud voice booms from the sky, "OKAY, OKAY!" A
few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and
crashes on the
beach. As the water recedes,
the boy is standing there, smiling,
splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The loud voice booms again "I
HAVE RETURNED YOUR GRANDSON. ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW?
She responds, "He
had a hat." |
Moishe
Plotnik's Chinese Laundry |
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown,
a tourist from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants,
shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the
sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How
does that fit in Chinatown? So he walked into the shop and saw
a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry.
He could see that the proprietors were clearly
aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats,
T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." There
was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating
that the name alone had brought many tourists
into
the shop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation
piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a
smiling old Chinese gentleman
who thanked him for his purchase in English, thickly accented
with Chinese.
The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this
place got a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody ask
that. Is name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he
here now?"
"He is right here," replied the old man.
"He is me."
"Really? How did you ever get a name like
Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," said the old man. "Many,
many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at
Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from
Poland.
"Lady look at him and say, 'What your name?'
" He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.'
"Then she
look at me and say, 'What your name?'
"I say, 'Sam Ting.'" |
When
Justice Triumphs |
Isaac Fleaglebaum's attorneys handled a jury trial
in a tough business case.
The client was out of town when the jury came
back with its decision.
The lead lawyer, a youngish-lawyer with a flair
for prose, immediately emailed a note to his client saying "JUSTICE
TRIUMPHED."
Mr. Fleaglebaum replied, "APPEAL AT ONCE." |
How
to make a Deli Sandwich |
Do not make a stingy sandwich;
Pile the cold cuts high.
Customers should see salami
Coming through the rye. |
Such
a Son-in-Law |
A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus
in Jerusalem.
The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time
is it?"
The old Jew doesn't answer.
"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what
time is it?"
The old Jew still doesn't answer.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the
time, but i really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer
me?"
The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last
on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I
answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you
to my home. You're
handsome and I have a
beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love
and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law
who can't even afford a watch?" |
Kosher
symbols you may have overlooked... |
K.O. |
--
Hashgacha of the World Boxing Federation |
DANNY
K |
-- Supervision of the Vaad HaComedians |
K SERA SERA |
-- Hashgacha given by liberal branches of Judaism |
K MART |
-- Hashgacha given by Rabbis who have decided
to discount their normal fees and make money through volume. |
YUD K, VOV K |
-- Under Divine Supervision |
I'M OKAY, YOU'RE OKAY |
-- Hashgacha given by the local psychiatric association. |
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