To Err Is Human
8 Days of Chanukah
$20,000 a Minute
A Nice Jewish Girl
What's in a Name
The Gettysburg Address
Flood is Foretold
Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays
Why G-d Never Received Tenure at Any University
Life on Mars -- but not the kind that had been anticipated
What new custom would you like to see adopted for the Jewish New Year
Have you ever wondered what Xmas would be like if it were a Jewish Holiday
|The Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays|
|Yom Kippur||More fasting|
|Hoshanah Rabbah||More feasting|
|Simchat Torah||Keep feasting|
|Month of Cheshvan||No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.|
|Hanukkah||Eat potato pancakes|
|Tenth of Tevet||Do not eat potato pancakes|
|Fast of Esther||Fast|
|Passover||Do not eat pastry|
|Shavuot||Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)|
|17th of Tammuz||Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)|
|Tisha B'Av||Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)|
|Month of Elul||End of cycle.|
|A New Flood is Foretold|
| A new flood is foretold
and nothing can be done to prevent it; in three days, the waters will wipe
out the world. The greatest leaders of the major religions go on worldwide
television to make their final plea.
|Why G-d Never Received Tenure at Any University|
one major publication.
It was in Hebrew; had no references; wasn't published in an academic journal; and some doubt he wrote it himself.
Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left
the house early and went out
for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to
be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous
sin was being committed on earth. On the sixth hole, G-d caused a
mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup for a miraculous
and dramatic hole in one.
The angel was horrified. "Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?!"
"Sure," answered G-d with a smile. "Who can he tell?"
Texan is visiting Israel,
and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road. "Can you
give me a drink of water?" asks the Texan.
"Of course," says the Israeli, and invites the Texan to come in.
"What do you do?" says the Texan."I raise a few chickens," says the Israeli.
"Really?" says the Texan. "I'm also a farmer. How much land do you have?"
"Well", says the Israeli, "out front it's fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of property. And what about your place?"
"Well", says the Texan, "on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive...and I don't reach the end of the ranch until dinnertime."
"Really," replies the Israeli. "I used to have a car like that."
| Yeshiva University decided
to field a crew team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced
for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead
The Rosh Yeshiva finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. So Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bullrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced. Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. "I have figured out their secret," he announced.
"They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."
|"Bei Yidden es is nishto kein seder"|
is an old Yiddish
folk-saying "Bei Yidden es is nishto kein seder."
There is no seder (order) amongst Jews. They no sooner embark on the seder (order), and the child asks "Why is this night different?"
the war it was not uncommon for a Jew to live his entire life in a shtetl,
a village, with a population of which ninety per cent were Jewish. For
many, the only contact with non-Jews was when the so-called 'Shabbos Goy" came
to their homes on Shabbat mornings during the cold winter months to light the
Now it so happened that Schmerel, a Jew from the shtetl, had reason to visit the Shtot - the big city.
Schmerel was of course amazed by the tall buildings, the factories, the roads, which he passed on his way to the Jewish section. But what really shocked him was the small number of Jews compared to the huge number of non-Jews. Turning to a fellow Jew he exclaimed, "Why on earth do you need so many Shabbos Goys?"
Jewish woman from Chelm
went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. "How much
is it?" she asked the storekeeper.
"14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady.
"14! For what?" asked the Jewish lady. "I think it's 11."
The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also.
So together it comes to 14 cents."
"I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11." "What are your saying?"
"As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11...I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11! Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11."
| Two little boys talking:
I'm getting operated on tomorrow
Oh? What are they going to do?
I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Did it hurt?
I couldn't walk for a year!
| After Adam was created,
there he was in the Garden of Eden all alone.
Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.
"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier.
I'm going to give you a companion, a help mate for you -- someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving, and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"
"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. In fact, this is someone so special that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
man is out in the
woods when he comes across a bear.
Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying. The man thinks to himself "how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear!
We're mishpocheh - I'm saved!"
And then he listens more carefully to the bear's prayer "hamotzi lechem minhaaretz"
| An Englishman in New York
stopped at a window in the middle of which stood one lone clock.
The Englishman went inside.
- he sang out.
From behind a curtain stepped a bearded man in a skullcap.
- Would you please inspect this watch? - The Englishman worked at the strap.
- Tell me whether it needs...
- Why are you asking me?
- asked the bearded one.
- Aren't you a jeweler? -
- No. I'm a moyl. -
- A what? -
- A moyl. I make circumcisions.
- Good Lord! - exclaimed the Englishman.
- But why do you have a clock in your window?! -
- Mister, - sighed the moyl,
- what would you put in the window? -
|To Err Is Human|
| So the Synagogue got really
fed up with its Rabbi.
The Executive Committee met and ne-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let him go. Trouble was - who'd want to take him - especially if it got out that he'd been fired? So the Executive Committee decided to give him a glowing letter of recommendation. It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself. The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the Rabbi succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a major upwardly-mobile Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with three junior Rabbis working under him. Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new employers began to observe some of his imperfections. The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit angrily called the President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed this man mostly on the basis of your recommendation. How could you possibly compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself, when he can't string together a correct sentence in English, when his knowledge of Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of everything else, he's a liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life?" "Simple," answered his colleague. "Like Shakespeare he has no Hebrew or Jewish knowledge. Like Moses, he can't speak English, and like G-d Himself - 'Er is nisht kan mentch (He's not a human being!).
| Harry Goldberg has been
elected the next president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to
reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York
to invite her to the inauguration. Harry: Momma, guess what! I've just
been elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can't face the journey all the way to Washington.
Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you.
The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please...
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inaugaration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!"
|This Hotel is Restricted|
| Feggala Rothstein
from Chicago decided to go on vacation to Miami in the 1920s. Upon trying
to checking into a nice hotel, the concierge told her, "Sorry, there's
no vacancy." Just then, a man checked out. Feggala then exclaimed, "Good,
now you have a room."
"Sorry", the man behind the counter replied, "this hotel is restricted."
"And what does that mean?" she asked him.
"Jews aren't allowed here!"
"Well what makes you think I'm Jewish?" she shot back.
"I know you are!"
"Well, I'm not! I'm a Catholic! " she insisted.
"So tell me, " the man replied, "Did G-d have a son?"
"What was his name?"
"And where was he born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a stable."
"And WHY was he born there?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent his parents a room!"
|$20,000 A Minute|
|Billy Graham went to see the pope in Rome. As he was waiting in the anteroom, Billy noiticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to His Holiness, he asked, "What's the red phone for?" "That's to talk to God," came the reply. "Really!" Reverend Graham gasped. "How much is that call?" "Well, it's $20,000 a minute, but well worth it!" answered the pope. A while later, Mr. Graham went to see the chief rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," inquired a startled Billy Graham, "that this phone is to talk to God?" "Yes, it is!" came the reply. "And how much does that cost?" he inquired. "Why, it's twenty cents a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi. "How come so cheap?" Billy asked. "The pope has a phone like that and it costs $20,000 a minute!" "Well," grinned the chief rabbi, "From here it's a LOCAL call!"|
|Yossi and Yitzhak are on a train across Poland, each on his way to meet a prospective bride on the other side of the country. Halfway there, Yitzhak turns to Yossi and says, "Forget about this whole marriage thing. I just don't like the idea." So he gets off at the next stop and makes his way back home. Meanwhile, Yossi continues on and is met at the final destination by the mothers of the two prospective brides. When the mothers realize what has happened, they instantly begin to fight over whose daughter should wed this precious little boychik. "He's mine!" cries one. "Not on your life," cries the other, "He will marry my daughter!" After bickering for a while, Yossi and the two mothers decide to go the rebbe and ask him to resolve the situation. In the grand tradition of the ancients, the rebbe replies, "Well, there is only one solution to this problem. Cut the boy in half, and you each take half home with you." At this, the first mother looks shocked, while the second mother grins and cries emphatically, "Yah! Cut him in half!!" The rebbe points to the second mother and says, "THAT is the real mother-in-law. Case closed."|
| (This was a joke out of
Borough Park, Brooklyn about the late beloved Lubavitcher Rebbe, prior
to his passing)
Reb Menachem Schneerson is being driven to a Chabad retreat in the Catskills by a young student chauffeur. He suddenly requests of the driver a wish to try driving himself after many years of being driven by others.
The young driver feels he cannot refuse the beloved Rabbi and lets him into the drivers seat while he gets into the back seat. Reb Schneerson, having last driven a stickshift in Europe, is having a ball with the advanced automatic, power steering, power brakes and all the luxuries. He soon makes like Richard Petty and comes down the NY Thruway at 95 mph. A NY State Police car soon pulls him over. The jackbooted cop ambles over with the ticket book. As soon as he spots the driver, he freezes and mumbles a "wait here a minute, please." The cop hurries back to his car, gets on the radio to his area supervisor, and reports a very serious problem, "I just pulled over a very important person!"
The captain on the other end asks; "Did you pull over Senator D'Amato again?"
"No, this guy is more important!"
"You didn't stop the governor?"
"No, but this person is real important, although I'm not quite sure who he is."
"How do you know then that this person is so important?"
"Well, he has the Lubavitcher Rebbe for a chauffeur!"
|A Nice Jewish Girl|
| A nice Jewish girl brings
home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her
father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiance.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks "so nu? How did it go?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
|WHAT TO DO ON CHRISTMAS EVE|
| Twas the night before Christmas,
and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah
candles burned down,
And while all I could do
was sit there and brood,
|Top 10 Reasons to Like Hanukkah|
| 10. No roof damage from
9. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races
6. You can use your fireplace
5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
2. Cheer optional
1. No Irving Berlin songs
|From the Great Beyond|
months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the
seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead
from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with
my mother, may she rest in peace.
Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your Zayde who you miss so much!"
Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam
Freda's Seance Parlor,
sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the
person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom." Madame
Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri,"
she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton Pitzel's
the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"
"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"
|Best English Translation of Yarmulka|
| % COUNT
22% 50 Nu.....is he Jewish?
12% 27 Japanese motorcycle worn on head
11% 25 Hanukkah Helmet
10% 24 yireh m'elokim
9% 20 yid lid
8% 19 Frummie Frisbee
8% 19 Scholar Skullcap
3% 7 Kippa Lid On It
2% 5 Cow Lick Cap
2% 5 A way to tell who has any rights in Israel
2% 4 Yiddisher Cap
1% 3 Blessing beanie
1% 3 Ted's Koppel
1% 3 Kosher Cap
1% 2 kup cover
1% 2 Knit Wit
1% 2 Cosmic-Ray Shield
1% 2 cheap toupee
1% 2 Marv-Albert-Teshuva-headwear
0% 1 a daven derby
0% 1 Heeb Hat
0% 1 Thinking Cap
0% 1 Yamaha
0% 1 Woody Allen's Secret To Getting Babes
0% 1 Bald Spot Cover
0% 1 What the Pope wears that Israelis don't
0% 1 Jew Beanie
bees buzz around what's
left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers,
not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
|A Rabbi was walking, slowly,
out of a shul in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down
the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane, and who
wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young gentile man saw
what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it
to the Rabbi.
"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May God bless you." The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He decided then and there to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first, as well.
At the end of the day the
man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained
how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he
then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
|What's in a Name|
|An American Indian comes back to the Reservation to visit with his parents after spending some time in New York. He says to his father that he's fallen in love with a nice Jewish girl. His father is mortified and says " You're betraying your heritage and you'll break your mother's heart that you're not marrying a nice Indian girl. You know how Jews are, they'll feel the same way and you'll be ostracized in both camps." The son reassures his father, "Don't worry. They must have already accepted the situation because they have already given their daughter an Indian name." "Really?" says the father. "What name?" The son answers, "Sitting Shiva."|
|World Peace Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep"|
| Now doesn't "gay shlafen"
have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen
to the difference:
"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."Obvious, isn't it?
Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed individuals and then grow ...
Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I think not, my friend, I think not.
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
Arabs boarded a shuttle
out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other
in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a fat, little Jewish
guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off
his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window
seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)
"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.
The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."
Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.
The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples
...this hatred ... this spitting in shoes ... and peeing in Cokes?"
young scholar from New
York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On
his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should
not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.
The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home. "Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"
"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz. "Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down... "
"That," said the old man, "is our custom."
observant Jew called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business
has gone bust and he's
serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray...........
please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,
I'm going to lose my house
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE....BUY A DAMNED TICKET".
|Passover the Untold Story|
Moses was running focus group sessions up until the actual moment of the Exodus, to decide on a fitting name for the new nation of runaway slaves. "Israelites" came back with a consistent 15-25 point score, well below the overall number one choice. But an hour before midnight a young Levite attorney specializing in Lower-Egyptian copyright law informed Moses that the name "Corinthians" was already taken. Other front runners: "Israel-regulars" and "Moses and the Chiffons."
|The Gettysburg Address|
| Translation From The First
Dictionary to Yeshivish
I can best explain yeshivish as being a blur of poor yiddish, bad hebrew and awful english.
ENGLISH VERSION (See Yeshivish
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