harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 4

Nothing
Business
The Parrot
Leave Rome
The President

Tallis
Gambling
Jaywalking
Chinese Food
Made-up Personals
  Samurai
Converted
Chinese Jews
How Old are You
A dialogue while Moses

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
The Parrot
Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird at the eastern side of the cage, with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking to and fro, and mumbling. Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest Hebrew.

"You're Jewish?" asked Moskowitz. "Not only Jewish," said the parrot, "but Orthodox. So will you take me to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah?" Rosh Hashonah, the Jewish New Year, was indeed only 2 days away, and it would as always usher in the high-holiday season which would end with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, ten days later. Moskowitz said "Of course I'll take you, but can I tell my friends about you? This isn't a secret is it?" "No secret at all. Tell anyone you want to." And the parrot returned to his praying. Moskowitz went to all his friends to tell them about his Jewish parrot. Of course no one believed him, and in no time at all Moskowitz was taking bets. By Rosh Hashonah he had $1,000 in bets riding on the parrot. Grinning, Moskowitz brought the parrot to the synagog in its cage. He put him in a prominent place and everyone turned to watch the parrot do his prayers. Even the rabbi watched, as he had $7 that said the parrot would not pray. Moskowitz waited. Everyone waited. The parrot did not pray.
Moskowitz put the prayer shawl over the parrot's head, but the bird ducked and shawl fell off. After the services all of Moskowitz's friends laughed, and collected their money. Utterly humiliated, Moskowitz returned home, turned viciously on the bird, screaming, "Prepare to die you little monster, for I'm going to wring your neck! If you can pray, now's the time!" The parrot's voice rang out clear, "Hold it, you idiot. In 10 days it's Yom Kippur, when all the Jews will sing the tragic, haunting Kol Nidre. Why don't you bet everyone that I can sing Kol Nidre." "Why? You didn't do anything today!"

"Exactly," replied the bird. "So for Yom Kippur, just think of the odds you'll get!"

Leave Rome
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Having no choice, the Jews picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.  Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.  Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the    wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."     "And then?" asked a woman.

    "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

A Dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai....
G:  And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
It is cruel.

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together. G:     No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. Moses:   Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs. G:     No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!! Moses:  Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you  mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury
that dish outside....

G:     Ah, do whatever you want....

Chinese Food
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.

The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are. "Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too." The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old." The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied.

"Where did your people eat for a thousand years?

Nothing
During Shabbat services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says,
"Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing." Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the isle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says,
"Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. "Look who thinks he's nothing!"

How Old are You
A Jewish patriarch was on the witness stand.
"How old are you?" asked the District Attorney.
"I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one."
"What was that?"
"I said, I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one years old."
"Just answer the question!" yelled the D.A., "How old are you!?"
"Kayn aynhoreh, eightly-one." the old man replied.
The judge said, "The witness will answer the question & only the question or
be held in contempt of court!"
The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, "Your Honor, may I
ask?"..and turned towards the old man, "Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?"
The old man replied, "Eighty-one"
Tallis
 Rosh Hashana was over and there was time until Yom Kippur, and Abie needed his tallis cleaned. He called his friend Max to ask what dry cleaner to take it to.

 Max said, "I always take my tallis to Moishe the dry cleaner on W 4th. He only charges $4.00"  So Abie goes over to Moishe's and finds that the ownership has changed.  He asks the new owner, Mr Jones, if he meets the old prices. Mr. Jones assures him that he does.  Three days later, Abie goes to get his tallis and is given a bill for $24.00.  He storms at Mr Jones. "I thought you met Moishe's prices?"

 "I did, " said Mr Jones, "$4.00 for the tallis, and $20.00 to get all the knots out of the fringes!"

Samurai
 Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a message to one and all that he was searching for one. A year passes and only three people show up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

 The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be Head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in two pieces. The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"  The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in four pieces. "That is really impressive."

 The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor asks in disappointment, "Why
 is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai replies, "If you look closely, the fly has been circumcised!"

The President
 The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Chanukah. "I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble...First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard...."

 "Mom! I'm President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"  "Yes, but when we land I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport... An try to find a cab...And you know what holiday crowds are like..."  "Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"
 "I don't know... I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive..and they're not like they used to be..."  "Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"  "Well..." She thinks. "I guess. O.K. " she sighs, " I'll come...for you."  That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends.  "What's new?" The friend asks.  "I'm visiting my son for Chanukah."  "The doctor?"

 "No...the other one."

Chinese Jews
 A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews. So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, "Pardon me, but I'd like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?" The waiter said, "I no know. I go into kitchen and ask manager."
 After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes. He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews."
Jaywalker
The jaywalking problem in New York City reminded me of a time when I was on a visit to Jerusalem with my children.  As we waited patiently at a busy intersection for the "walk" signal, a young man sped across the street against the light.  An elderly gentleman waiting with us turned and said sadly, "Two thousand years he's waiting for the Messiah, and he can't wait for a light."
Business
    A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain.
He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do.  He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.
    The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do."
    The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind rifles the pages of the bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what he has to do.
    Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.  The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.
    The man replies: "Chapter 11."
Converted
    The temple board president, a very pious jew, was extremely distressed in receiving the news that his only son has converted to Christianity.
    He is so besides himself that he goes to talk to the Rebbe, the highest authority he knows.
    He says "Rebbe, Rebbe what have I done wrong? I brough him to Temple every day. I taught him everything that I was taught, gave him all I was given. Where, where did I go wrong?"
    The Rebbe says "Funny ting, my only son too, he has converted to Christianity. I, too, can not figure out what went wrong, after all I am the Rebbe, surely my teachings and guidance should have been sufficient." The Rebbe continues "There is only one thing we can do, we must speak to a higher authority still.
    The Rebbe and the Board President make there way to the sanctuary and they begin to speak to G-d. They say:"Oh, Adoni, where have we gone wrong, our only sons have shuned us and converted to Christianity, what shall we do? Where did we go wrong?"
    A big booming voice is heard from above to say; "FUNNY TING!"
Gambling
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game.  Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "L*rd, forgive me for what I am about to do."  To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
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