A fair trade
A While to Go
Finally, An Honest Bar Mitzvah Invitation
Green Eggs and What
Growing Up Jewish
Life on Mars
Running on Empty
Telling the truth
The Ballad of Dovid Chochett
Three Things Non-Jews Can Do To Celebrate Hanukkah
Twas The Night Before Chanukah...oy!
Who is the Lucky One
Why "SH" Is So Important In Yiddish
A fellow goes to the races for the first time and decides to look over the horses in the paddock before placing his first bet. While there he sees a Rabbi standing beside a horse due to run in the first race. The Rabbi is rocking back and forth in prayer.
He notes the number on the horse and for the heck of it puts a two dollar bet to win on the horse. It comes in paying 9-1. Collecting his money he goes down to the paddock and sees the Rabbi praying over another horse, this one due to run in the next race. He puts all his winnings on that horse to win and again he wins.
By the end of the eight race his winnings total over five thousand. He decides the ninth will be his last race. He checks which horse the Rabbi is praying over and places all his money on that horse.
This time things are different. The horse the Rabbi was praying over trailed the field, ending up dead last and all the man's winnings are lost.
He spots the Rabbi, runs up to him, and says, " Rabbi, I do not understand. I watched you pray over horses and I bet and won on every horse you prayed over. That is except on the ninth race. I lost all my money on the horse you were praying over.
The Rabbi looks at the fellow and says, "Tell me, are you Jewish?"
The man responds, "Yes. I am Jewish. I am a member of a reform synagogue."
The Rabbi responds, " That's the trouble with the reformed. They do not know the difference between a Brocha and Kaddish."
|Digging to a depth of
1,000 meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire
dating back 1,000 years.
The French came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago.
Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters. Shortly thereafter headlines in the UK newspapers read:
"English archaeologists have found traces of a 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French.
One week later, Israeli newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, they found absolutely nothing.
They thus concluded that 5,000 years ago Jews were using wireless.
|Green Eggs and What?!|
The National Education Association is celebrating "Read Across America" by encouraging adults to read to children. Of course, "Green Eggs and Ham" is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books. And, there's the dilemma -- how can Jewish kids celebrate with green Eggs and…HAM?
So, in honor of (and with apologies to the estate of Dr. Seuss), here's a new ending for the story:
Will you never see?
But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit!
And those green eggs are worth a try
So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan, but troubled by green eggs and ham, let your friends in on the scoop: Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!
|Running on Empty|
Chaim Yankel, the fattest man in Chelm went to see his doctor for a check up. Dr. Epstein told Chaim Yankel that he needed to lose weight immediately, and the best way to do it would be for him to start running seven miles a day.
Chaim Yankel followed Dr. Epstein’s advice, and it seemed to be working. After only 40 days he had lost over 30 pounds.
Chaim Yankel phoned Dr. Epstein and thanked him very much for the excellent advice. But at the end of the conversation, Chaim Yankel said, “Doctor, I just have one more question. How do I get home, now that I am 280 miles away from home?"
|Twas The Night Before Chanukah...oy!|
|'Twas The Night Before
Chanukah...oy! What A Shock!
Somebody Outside Was Picking Our Lock!
And There At The Door Stood A 'zayda' In Blue-
And He Wore On His Kopp A Blue Yarmulka, Too!
His Punim Was Shain-everybody Would Love It!
'Round His Neck Hung A Chain With A Gold Mogen Dovid!
He Wore Silken Tsitzes Beneath His Wool Vest,
With Small Flag Of Israel Draped On His Chest!
He Said: "I'm No Burglar, So Please Don't Be Nervous.
I'm The Spirit Of Chanukah, Here At Our Service!"
"Menchen All Call Me 'reb' Shalom Shapiro!
Without Me, This Yontif Might Need A New 'hero!'"
"I Visit All Yidlach, And Bring - Kinnahorra-
Good Fortune As Bright As A Glowing Menorah!"
"Ich Shlepp Lots Of Blessings And Chanukah Gelt,
And Joys That Are Takkeh The Best In Der Velt!"
"If You Know Nice Menchen, I'll Visit Them Quick,
And I'll Bring Them Gezunt And A Houseful Of Glick!"
So We Sent Him To Your House,
And Shook Hands And Parted.
He Shouted, "Shalom!" Out The Doorway He Darted!
He Ran To A Wagon With Horses Ahead.
He Fed Them Some Bagels, And Here's What He Said:
"Let's Go, Moish And Mendel! Make Quick, Moe And Yussel!
Please Give A Rush, Malkeh! Hey, Hymie, Please Hustle!"
Then They Raced Like The Wind! And They Galloped So Shnell,
All His Clothing Blew Off, And His Gatkes As Well!
Soon He Was So Kalt That His Tushie Turned Bluish!
He Moaned And He Hollered In English And Jewish!
So, Don't Act Embarrassed, And Please Don't Be Rude
When That Frostbitten Zeyde Arrives In The Nude!
Quick! Wrap Him In Blankets! Don't Beat 'round The Bush'!
And Tie A Hot Water Bag On His Cold Tush!
Quick! Feed Him Some Chicken Soup Heyss As Can Be!
And Give Him Some Shnapps And A Glez'l Hot Tey!
'cause He Brings You A Houseful Of Chanukah Wishes
As Warm And Geshmack As Plate Of Hot Knishes!
And He Brings Them From Our House So Friendly And Bright,
So Your House Will Keep Glowing With Chanukah Light.
Plus Joy Sweet As Tsuker, And Peace And Good-cheer
And Everything Freylach Each Day Of The Year!
And None In Your Family Will Be A Shlimazel,
For Life Will Bring Each Of You Simchas And Mazel!
And All Through The Future Your Hopes Will Come True,
And Himmel Will Bless Your Mishpocheh And You!!!
|10 reasons why you would want ultra-Orthodox Jews as neighbours|
1. Property prices:
3. No tiresome keeping up with the Joneses/Cohens:
4. Noise abatement:
5. Weekend parking:
6. No impromptu visits:
7. No sex, please, we’re Jewish:
8. Leylandi (absence of):
10. Liberation from social conventions:
|Why "SH" Is So Important In Yiddish|
|WHY SH IS SO IMPORTANT IN YIDDISH:
SH MUCK No need to translate
SH NORER Someone who mooches, feeds off others,low life
SH LIMAZL Someone who can't do anything right, a klutz
SH VANTZ "Tail"- for someone whose annoying, incompetent
SH VITZ Sweat, perspire
SH MENDRIK Sort of the same as SHLIMAZL
SH TUPN ARAIN To stuff (forcefully) l ike over eating
SH TARK VI A FERD Strong as a horse
SH EINER TUCHES Nice "ass!"
SH VARTZE Black
SH IKSA Non Jewish female
SH AGETZ Non Jewish male
SH ANDA Disgrace
SH LEMIEL Same as Schlimazel & Shmendrik
SH UL Temple, Synagogue
SH EP NACHAS Exude abundant joy & pride,e.g.. A child getting married etc.
SH ABBOS Shabbat
SH ADCHEN Matchmaker
SH IKKER A drunk
SH BBOS GOY The Goy turning on the lights in Shul
SH AYTL Wig, used by orthodox women to cover head
SH EHECHEYANU He kept us a live, sustained us
SH ALOM Peace
SH NOOK A creep
SH USH Quiet
SH IVA Sit in mourning
SH TETEL Small village
SH MEER "Rub" as when bribing or spreading butter on bread
SH A Silence (I will add SH TILL....)
SH MUTZ Dirt
SH MATEH Rag
SH MEGEGI (My favorite;-) Same as schlimazel, shmendrik
SH TICK DREK (My 2nd favorite!) "Piece of Sh...t"
SH PILKES IN TUCHES (My 3rd favorite!) Pins in the A...as when being impatient, antsie
And that's the gantsa SH MEGILLA!
|3 Things Non-Jews Can Do To Celebrate Hanukkah|
Hanukkah is tomorrow and if you’re anything like the Funny Crave staff, you’re not Jewish. So the first day of Hanukkah isn’t so much a day of celebration as it is a Saturday – laundry day, for some. But instead of just moping around feeling useless as the one Jewish guy you know goes out and has a blast performing ancient Hanukkah rituals like bashing the menorah-shaped piñata, and complaining about the weather’s effects on his joints; you too can have some fun on this joyous day that isn’t even that important to the Jewish people, and was only really hyped up in an effort to compete against Christianity’s hyper-popular December holiday — Christmas.
Here are some tips for making sure that all you non-Jews have yourselves a blast this Saturday…
1) Jew yourself up a notch – Okay, so you’re not Jewish. You’re family isn’t even close to hailing from Jerusalem. In fact, you’re pretty sure you’re family comes from a small suburb of Micronesia. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be a Jew for a day! Go ahead! Eat a bagel! Toss some lox on there if you happen to figure out what “lox” even is and if it sounds like something that would interest your taste buds. Watch Woody Allen movies and pretend that making a reference to classic literature actually makes you smart. Punch a criminal, because that’s something that Jews do regularly.
2) Grow A Wicked Awesome Beard – Hardcore Jews have facial hair that’s one sweet-ass scar away from overtaking the Biker Beard as the most badass, manliest beard in the land. Grow one. Grow four. In one day. Grow 2 on your face. One on your left shin. Another on your fist for when you have to punch people. Grow one on the small of your back that can be extended and splayed out as a signal to all Jewish women that you are not only ready to mate, but you are the Jew they should be mating with. Grow them all in one day to show how dedicated you are to the Jewish faith. Then shave them all off on Sunday because they itch like crazy.
3) Feel the pain and suffering of an entire people in just five minutes – Not to get in to details, but the Jewish people have really been given the short end of the proverbial stick. So if you really want to know what it’s like to be Jewish, set aside a few minutes this Saturday and reflect on all the tragedy that has befallen the Israelites. Or, don’t. You’ll probably never understand it.
from http://funnycrave.com Friday, December 11, 2009 1:00PM - By Luis Prada
As general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.
Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't.
Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.
Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
Rosh Hashanah ------- Feast
There are many forms of Judaism:
Cardiac Judaism ---------- in my heart I am a Jew.
You know you grew up Jewish when:
You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was "Princess".
You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.
You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket."
Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.
Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.
You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates & forks trying to get to a deli tray.
You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.
You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.
You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.
You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).
You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.
You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.
You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean.
Is that Kenahurra or is that kanine-hurra? (I say it's kenahurra)
You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you were in there for longer than 3 minutes.
You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.
Your grandparent' s furniture smelled like mothballs, was covered in plastic and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.
Baruch Hashem and G-d willing, may you have a day full of mazel and shalom!
|FINALLY, AN HONEST BAR MITZVAH INVITATION|
It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension, that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son, Jacob Adam is called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.
Saturday, May 12th -
(yes we realize its Mother's Day Weekend)
at the ungodly hour of 9:00 am even though you don't really need to be there until 10:20 am to catch the real action.
If you make it through the 3 hour service, please skip the Kiddush (its just cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly large and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea) evening meal, which starts at 7:00 PM, (not 8:00 PM.) or you will miss out on the 2000 canapes).
Birchwood Country Club
(which we had to join just for this event and you would not believe the initiation fees)
You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats, and brand new white ankle socks... as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees, most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, and most "tootsed" to the nines. At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence. Some will not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.
Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending, or you will be billed for $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show.
Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not a day before the cut-off date. I can't take the stress.
The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account number. "Off the top of your head" gifts and Gift Cards are a waste of your time and ours.
Hope you can make it!
Lisa and David Miller
Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond
BYO yarmulke. I don't have the strength.
Ma, throw me out the window, a pickle!
The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a siginificant attribute of American culture.
to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned
Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from
middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?' "
|Growing Up Jewish|
| If you are Jewish, and grew up in city with a large Jewish population,
or are gentile with Jewish friends or associates, the following will
invoke heartfelt memories, so read on........
The Yiddish word for Today is PULKES (PUHL-kees) Translation: THIGHS. Please note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of the original Tribes of Israel, the Cellulites..
The only good advice that your Jewish mother gave you was: 'Go! You might meet somebody!'
You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout 'Are you okay?' through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes.
Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.
Every Saturday morning your father went to the neighbor-hood deli (called an 'appetitizing store') for whitefish salad, whitefish 'chubs'), lox (nova if you were rich!), herring, corned beef, roast beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a 1/2-do zen huge barrel pickles which you reached into the brine for, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese and rye bread (sliced while he waited). All of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday morning.
Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grand- parents and/or other relatives.
You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows which were always asymmetrical.
You thought pasta was stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha with bowties.
You were as tall as your grandmother was by the age of seven.
You were as tall as your grandfather was by age seven and a half.
You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz).
You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste like cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't know exactly what they mean. Kaynahurra.
You're still angry with your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.
You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your spouse's ancestor.
Your grandparents' newly washed linoleum floor was covered with the NY Times, which your grandparents couldn't read.
You thought speaking loud was normal.
You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a 'Get Out of Hebrew School Free' card.
You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome snack.
You're compelled to mention your grandmother's 'steel cannonballs' upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants.
You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to NYC and ship them home via FedEx. (Or, if you live near NYC or Philadelphia or another Jewish city hub, you drive 3 hours just to buy a dozen 'real' bagels.)
Your mother or grandmother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc.) and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime... As if they were relatives.
You thought only non-Jews went to sleep away colleges. Jews went to city schools ... unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League school.
And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for Chinese food.
|Who is the Lucky One|
|A woman goes to see her Rabbi.
"Abe and Sol are both in love with me," she says,
"Who will be the lucky one?"
The wise old Rabbi answers:
"Abe will marry you. Sol will be the lucky one."
|A Jewish businessman was in a great
deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he
had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even
contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured
out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do:
Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.
Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"And what were the first words you saw?"
|Life on Mars|
|Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether
there is oxygen on the planet.
"Give me the box of matches," says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens." He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms... "No, no, don't!" The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!"One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars." So he strikes a match -- which flames up, burns down, and.... nothing happens. So he turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?" The leader of the Martians says,
"Today is Shabbos!"
|Telling the truth|
Shabbat, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, “Next
week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying, and to help you understand
it better I would like you all to read Leviticus Chapter 28 before next
The following Shabbat, at the start of his sermon, the rabbi asked his congregation, “How many of you have read Leviticus 28?”Every hand went up.
Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, “Leviticus has only 27
chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
|A rabbi dies and is waiting in line to enter heaven. In
front of him is a man dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans
Gabriel says to the man, “I need to know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to the kingdom of heaven.”The man replies, “I’m Moishe Levy, taxi driver.”Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver, “OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.”Now it’s the rabbi’s turn. He stands upright and says, “I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I have been a rabbi for 40 years.”Gabriel looks at his list and says to the rabbi, “OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.”“Hold on a minute,” says Rabbi Himmelfarb, “that man before me was a taxi driver. Why did he get a silken robe and golden staff?”
“Up here, we only work by results,” says Gabriel. “While
you preached, people slept — but while he drove, people prayed.”
|A fair trade|
|A man stormed into Moishe's Bakery and confronted Moishe.
"Do you know what happened to me?" he demanded. "I found a fly in the raisin challah I bought from you yesterday."Moishe shrugged and replied, "Nu, so you'll bring me the fly and I'll give you a raisin."
A Jewish man who was riding on the London Underground reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same underground car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moishe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
|The Ballad of Dovid Chochett|
the tune of "The Ballad of Davy Crockett"
by Mickey Katz
Born in the wilds of Delancy Street
|A While to go|
Not long after attending her grandson Paul’s 12th birthday party, Rebecca has a heart attack. While in the hospital, she starts to plead with her cardiologist. “Oy, doctor,” she says, “you’ve just got to keep me alive for the next 12 months so that I can attend my bubbeleh grandson Paul’s bar mitzvah. He’s my first grandchild.”
“I’ll do my utmost to get you there, Rebecca,” the doctor says.
“Thank you, doctor,” says Rebecca. And in 12 months, Rebecca does indeed attend Paul’s bar mitzvah.
A few months later, while Rebecca is seeing the doctor for a check-up, she says, “I have another request. My granddaughter Suzy is marrying a lovely man, and I desperately want to attend their wedding. So please ensure that I stay alive long enough to attend their wedding.”
“I’ll do my utmost to get you there, Rebecca,” says the doctor.
“Thank you, doctor,” says Rebecca. And 12 months later, Rebecca does indeed attend Suzy’s wedding.
A few months later, Rebecca calls her doctor. “Hello doctor,” she says. “It’s Rebecca here.”
“Are you OK, Rebecca?” the doctor asks.
“Nothing’s the matter,” Rebecca replies. “But I’m calling because I have another request to make. Do you remember when you enabled me to attend my grandson’s bar mitzvah?”
“Yes, Rebecca, I do,” he replies.
“And do you remember when you enabled me to attend my granddaughter’s wedding?”
“Yes, Rebecca, I do,” he replies.
“And are you aware that I’ve just celebrated my 80th birthday?” Rebecca asks.
“Yes, Rebecca, I know,” he replies.
“Well, I’ve just bought a new mattress,” Rebecca says.
“Mazel tov,” the doctor says, “but why are you calling me about your mattress?”
“Well,” Rebecca replies, “the mattress came with a 20-year guarantee!”
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