harry Leichter Jewish Humor

Jewish Humour 67

  A Jewish father was very troubled
A 25-year-old Jewish girl
A Water Story
A Wine Story

Matzo
Marilyn Monroe
Praying at the Kotel
Request for Naval Officers Who Can Dance
Two Kids
A 25-year-old Jewish girl

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits uneasily in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."

Request for Naval Officers Who Can Dance

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutant Ball.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.

"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: "No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:

"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer.

"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

A Jewish father was very troubled

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

"Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the man of the rabbi.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"What did he say?" asked the man.

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
source http://www.huffingtonpost.com

Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe, on being served matzo-ball soup:

"Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?"
source http://www.huffingtonpost.com

Two Kids

Two kids are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "what are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kids says, "a circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."
source http://www.huffingtonpost.com

Matzo

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
source http://www.huffingtonpost.com

Praying at the Kotel

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

 

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

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