harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 63
  For Jews Over 50
Growing up Jewish
Is Captain America too American?
Jewish Weapons Of Mass Destruction
Jewish Wit
Moishe, a Yeshiva Boy
My Canadian Jewish Dad
Old Chaim
Reform vs Orthodox
Stars of David: Rupert Murdoch
Too Much Mazal
Top 10 Signs Someone Hasn’t Been to Shul in a While
The El Al Aircraft
The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog
The Jewish Bra
The Wacky World of Living in Israel
Unhappy New Year
Up, Up and Delay
Twas the Night after Seder
Williamsburg
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Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...   
Williamsburg

A man stumbles up to the only other person at a kiddush in shul and asks if he could offer him a drink.
"Why of course," was the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Williamsburg," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Williamsburg too! Let's have another round to Williamsburg."
... "Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Williamsburg are you from?"
"Clymer Street," was the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Clymer Street too! Let's have another drink to Clymer Street."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"UTA," replies the second man.
"I graduated in 'Mem Zoyen."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to UTA and I graduated in 'Mem Zoyen, too!"

About that time in comes one another kiddush goer and sits down near the Rabbi at the other table.
"What's been going on?" he asks the Rabbi.

"Nothing much," replies the Rabbi. "The Schwartz twins are drunk again."

Twas the Night after Seder

Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house;

Nothing would fit me, the same with my spouse.

The matzah, the farfel, the charoset, I embraced;

After both Seders, they had settled at my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number;

When I tried to walk, I only lumbered.

I remember the marvelous meals we prepared;

The turkey, the brisket, the tsimmes we shared.

The matzo balls, the soup, the kugels, if you please;

For on these Seder nights there will be no Chinese.

As I tied myself into my apron again;

I spied my reflection and disgustedly then,

I said to myself, "you're such a weak wimp",

"You can't walk around resembling a blimp!"

So--away with the last of the meatballs so sweet;

Get rid of the turkey, chopped liver and meat.

Every last food that I like must be banished;

Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have any more macaroons from the box;

I can't wait till next week, (Ah, bagels and lox.)

I won't have any luxion, farfel or marrow bones to gnaw;

I'll munch on carrots and celery or wire shut my own jaw.

If I have to peel, slice, dice, mash, or cook one more chicken,

I think that I will start a riot;

So a zissen pesach to you all . . . and to all a good diet!

For Jews Over 50

AH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS!

If you get this and you are not Jewish, I cannot even begin to explain it to you.

This actually goes back 2 generations, 3 if you are over 50. It also explains why many Jewish men died in their early 60's with a non-functional cardiovascular system and looked like today's men at 89.

Before we start, there are some variations in ingredients because of the various types of Jewish taste (Polack, Litvack and Gallicianer).

Just as we Jews have six seasons of the year (winter, spring, summer, fall, the slack season, and the busy season), we all focus on a main ingredient which, unfortunately and undeservedly, has disappeared from our diet. I'm talking, of course, about SCHMALTZ (chicken fat). SCHMALTZ has, for centuries, been the prime ingredient in almost every Jewish dish, and I feel it's time to revive it to its rightful place in our homes. (I have plans to distribute it in a green glass Gucci bottle with a label clearly saying: "low fat, no cholesterol, Newman's Choice, extra virgin SCHMALTZ." (It can't miss!) Then there are grebenes - pieces of chicken skin, deep fried in SCHMALTZ, onions and salt until crispy brown (Jewish bacon). This makes a great appetizer for the next cardiologist's convention.

There's also a nice chicken fricassee (stew) using the heart, gorgle (neck), pipick (a great delicacy, given to the favorite child, usually me), a fleegle (wing) or two, some ayelech (little premature eggs) and other various chicken innards, in a broth of SCHMALTZ, water, paprika, etc. We also have knishes (filled dough) and the eternal question, "Will that be liver, beef or potatoes, or all three?"

Other time-tested favorites are kishkeh, and its poor cousin, helzel (chicken or goose neck). Kishkeh is the gut of the cow, bought by the foot at the Kosher butcher. It is turned inside out, scalded and scraped. One end is sewn up and a mixture of flour, SCHMALTZ, onions, eggs, salt, pepper, etc., is spooned into the open end and squished down until it is full. The other end is sewn and the whole thing is boiled. Yummy!

My personal all-time favorite is watching my Zaida (grandpa) munch on boiled chicken feet.

For our next course we always had chicken soup with pieces of yellow-white, rubbery chicken skin floating in a greasy sea of lokshen (noodles), farfel (broken bits of matzah), tzibbeles (onions), mondlech (soup nuts), kneidlach (dumplings), kasha (groats), kliskelech and marech (marrow bones)

The main course, as I recall, was either boiled chicken, flanken, kackletten, hockfleish (chopped meat), and sometimes rib steaks, which were served either well done, burned or cremated. Occasionally we had barbecued liver done to a burned and hardened perfection in our own coal furnace.

Since we couldn't have milk with our meat meals, beverages consisted of cheap soda (Kik, Dominion Dry, seltzer in the spritz bottles).

The El Al Aircraft

The El Al plane landed at Ben Gurion Airport, and as it taxied to the terminal, the voice of the captain was heard:

"Please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened until this plane has come to a complete stop at the gate, and the seatbelt signs have been turned off.
We also remind you that cell phones may not be used until the exit doors have been opened.

"To those of you still seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope you enjoy your visit to Israel."

"To those of you standing in the aisles talking on your cell phones, Happy Hanukkah and welcome back home."

The Jewish Bra
A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department. He tells the saleslady,

"I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34C.

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra,

and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for

them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the

Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra

supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the

Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmm...I know I'll regret

asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills".
Old Chaim

Chaim had been a faithful Jew and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their rabbi to stand with them.

As the rabbi stood next to the bed, old Chaim's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The rabbi lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Chaim used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The rabbi thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Chaim died. He said, "You know, Chaim handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Chaim, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

[source - http://www.aish.com/j/]

Growing up Jewish

If you are Jewish, and grew up in city with a large Jewish population, or are gentile with Jewish friends or associates, the following will invoke heartfelt memories.

The Yiddish word for today is PULKES (PUHL-kees). Translation: THIGHS.

Please note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of the original Tribes of Israel, the Cellulites.

The only good advice that your Jewish mother gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes.

Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.

Every Saturday morning your father went to the neighborhood deli (called an "appetizing store") for whitefish salad, whitefish "chubs", lox (nova if you were rich!), herring, corned beef, roast beef, coleslaw, potato salad, a 1/2-dozen huge barrel pickles which you reached into the brine for, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese and rye bread (sliced while he waited). All of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday morning.

Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents and/or other relatives.

You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.

You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows which were always asymmetrical.

You thought pasta was stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha with bowties.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You were as tall as your grandfather by age seven and a half.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz).

You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste like cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.

You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't know exactly what they mean. Kaynahurra.

You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.

You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your spouse's ancestor.

You thought speaking loud was normal.

You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew School Free" card.

You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome snack.

You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "steel cannonballs" upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants.

You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to Montreal and ship them home via FedEx. (Or, if you live near Montreal or another Jewish city hub, you drive 3 hours just to buy a dozen "real" bagels.)

Your mother or grandmother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc.) and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime... as if they were relatives.

You thought only non-Jews went to sleep away colleges. Jews went to city schools... unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League school.

And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for Chinese food.

Zei gezunt!

Moishe, a Yeshiva Boy

Moishe, a Yeshiva boy, graduates high school and is about to go to college. He was born and lived in Brooklyn his entire life but he gets a full scholarship to the University of Montana and it is such a generous deal that his parents, who would prefer to keep him in Brooklyn forever, let him go.

Six months go by and they have not heard from him. They're frantic. They call the dorm and are told that he doesn't live there anymore. They call the Registrar who says that he is no longer enrolled. They are about to fly to Montana when a letter comes from Moishe:

'Dear Mother, Dear Father, Sorry I have been so negligent but I met the most wonderful girl and we plan to marry. That is why I dropped out of school. Little Feather is a Native American, a princess in her tribe, and her father is the Chief.

He has made me a member of the tribe. I had to leave school because of the nonsense they teach about Native Americans - the lack of respect, the distortions of history. But now I understand things better. I have decided to take a Native American name which the Chief helped me decide. From now on, please call me Running Deer. I will NOT answer correspondence addressed to Moishe.'

A few days later he gets a reply:

'Dear Running Deer. Your dad and I are pleased that you have finally found a woman to love and that you are happy on the reservation. We regret that she is not Jewish but to celebrate your new love and upcoming marriage we also have decided to take Native American names...

I am now SITTING SHIVA and your father is GOING MICHUGA.

The Wacky World of Living in Israel
Created By Israeli Humorist, Efraim Kishon

Israel  is a country surrounded on all sides by enemies, but the people's  headaches are caused by the neighbors upstairs.

Israel is the  only country in the world where the coffee is already so good that  Starbucks went bankrupt trying to break into the local  market.

Israel is one of the few places in the world where the  sun sets into the Mediterranean Sea.

Israel is the only  country in the world whose soldiers eat three sets of salads a day,  none of which contain any lettuce (which is not really a food), and  where olives ARE a food and
even a main course in a meal,  rather than something one tosses into a martini.

Israel is the  only country in the world
where one is unlikely to dig a
cellar  without hitting ancient archaeological artifacts.

Israel is the  only country in the world where the leading academics in the country take buses.

Israel is the only country in the  world that has a National Book Week, during which almost everyone  attends a book fair and buys books.

Israel is a country where the  same drivers who cuss you and flip you the bird will immediately pull  over and offer you all forms of help if you look like you need  it.

Israel is the only country in the world with bus drivers and  taxi drivers who read Spinoza and Maimonides.

Israel is the  only country in the world where no one cares what rules say when  an important goal can be achieved by bending them.

Israel is the  only country in the world where reservists are bossed around and  commanded by officers, male and female, younger than their own  children.

Israel is the only country in the world where "small  talk" consists of loud, angry debate over politics and  religion.
 
 Israel is the only country in the world where the ultra-Orthodox  Jews beat up the police and not the other way around.
 
 Israel is the only country in the world where inviting someone  "out for a drink" means drinking   cola, coffee or tea.
 
 Israel is the only country in the world where bank robbers kiss  the mezuzah  as  they leave with their loot! 
 
 Israel is one of the few countries in the world that truly likes  and admires the United States . 
 
 Israel is the  only country in the world that introduces  applications of high-tech gadgets and devices, such as printers in  banks  that  print out your statement on demand, years ahead of the United States and  decades ahead of Europe .
 
 Israel is the only country in the world where everyone on a  flight gets to  know  one another before the plane lands. In many cases, they also get to know  the pilot and all about his health or marital problems.
 
 Israel is the only country in the world   where  no one has a foreign accent   because everyone has a foreign accent. 
 
 Israel is the only country in the world where
 people cuss using dirty words   in  Russian or Arabic because Hebrew has never developed  them.
 
 Israel is the only country   in  the world where patients visiting physicians   end  up giving the doctor advice. 
 
 Israel is the only country in the   world  where everyone strikes up   conversations while waiting in lines. 
  

 Sunsets in Jerusalem are gorgeous every evening.
 
 Israel is the only country  in  the world where people read English, write   Hebrew, and joke in Yiddish!

source: IsraelSeen.com
The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.


They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

 
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