harry leichter's jewish humor

pesach passover humor
  Cleaning and Cooking Passover
History of Horseradish
Paraoh doesn't Pay
Passover Story
Pesach Lunch 
Not a Virus Problem, but a Chometz Thing
Seder Pickup Lines
Some New Songs for Your Haggadah
Take me out to the Seder
Ten Ways to Tell You've Too Many People at Your Seder
The Eight Nights of Passover
The Fifth Question
Twas the Night after Seder
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Ten Ways to Tell You've Too Many People at Your Seder
10. You can't find anywhere out of sight to hide the afikomen.
9. To recline while drinking the wine, you all have lean in unison.
8. You have to sketch your living/dining room on graph paper.
7. You have to use a microscope to divvy up the knaidlach.
6. When you rotate the verses of "Echad Mi Yodea?", someone ends up
    singing "Who knows 39? I know 39."
5. You start looking at ads for closed circuit TV and auxiliary speakers.
4. While waiting for everyone to wash their hands the second time, the matza rises.
3. Even the kids complain that they don't have enough maror.
2. When you recite the names of the ten plagues, the locusts really ring a bell.
1. When Elijah shows up, and you have to give him his wine "to go.
Some new songs for your Haggadah
  There's No Seder Like our Seder
(sung to the tune of "There's no Business like Show business")
There's no seder like our seder,
There's no seder I know.
Everything about it is halachic
Nothing that the Torah won't allow.
Listen how we read the whole Haggadah
It's all in Hebrew
'Cause we know how.
There's no Seder like our seder,
We tell a tale that is swell:
Moses took the people out into the heat
They baked the matzoh
While on their feet
Now isn't that a story
That just can't be beat?
Let's go on with the show!
==================
Take Us Out of Egypt
(sung to the tune of "Take me out to the ball game")
Take us out of Egpyt
Free us from slavery
Bake us some matzoh in a haste
Don't worry 'bout flavor--
Give no thought to taste.
Oh it's rush, rush, rush, to the Red Sea
If we don't cross it's a shame
For it's ten plagues,
Down and you're out
At the pesach history game.
==================
Elijah
(to the tune of "Maria" from W. Side Story)
Elijah!
I just saw the prophet Elijah.
And suddenly that name
Will never sound the same to me.
Elijah!
He came to our seder
Elijah!
He had his cup of wine,
But could not stay to dine
This year--
Elijah!
For your message all Jews are waiting:
That the time's come for peace
and not hating--
Elijah--
Next year we'll be waiting.
Elijah!

==================
Just a Tad of Charoset
(to the tune of "Just a spoon full of sugar")
Chorus:
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
The bitter herbs go down, the bitter herbs go down.
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
In the most disguising way.
Oh, back in Egypt long ago,
The Jews were slaves under Pharoh.
They sweat and toiled and labored
through the day.
So when we gather pesach night,
We do what we think right.
Maror, we chew,
To feel what they went through.
Chorus
So after years of slavery
They saw no chance of being free.
Their suffering was the only life they knew.
But baby Moses grew up tall,
And said he'd save them all.
He did, and yet,
We swear we won't forget.
That......
Chorus
While the maror is being passed,
We all refill our water glass,
Preparing for the taste that turns us red.
Although maror seems full of minuses,
It sure does clear our sinuses.
But what's to do?
It's hard to be a Jew!!!
Chorus
==================
Les Miselijah
(to the tune of "Do you hear the people Sing" from Les Miserables)
Do you hear the doorbell ring,
And it's a little after ten?
It can only be Elijah
Come to take a sip again.
He is feeling pretty fine
But in his head a screw is loose.
So perhaps instead of wine
We should only give him juice.
==================
Same time next year
(to the tune of "Makin' Whoopee")
Another pesach, another year,
The family seder with near and dear...
Our faces shining,
All thoughts of dining
Are put on hold now.
We hear four questions,
The answer given
Recalls the Jews from Egypt driven.
The chrain is bitter, (charoses better!)
Please pass the matzoh.
Why is this evening different
From all the other nights?
This year the Jews all over
Are free to perform the rites.
A gorgeous dinner--who can deny it--
Won't make us thinner, to hell with diet!
It's such great cooking...
and no one's looking,
So just enjoy it.
Moving along at steady clip
Elijah enters, and takes a sip;
And then the singing with voices ringing
Our laughter mingling.
When singing about Chad Gad Ya.
Watch close or your place you'll lose,
For Echad Mi Yodea:
Which tune shall we use?
We pray next Pesach
We'll all be here.
It's a tradition...
Same time next year...
So fill it up now, the final cup now,
Next year at ....
==================
The Ballad of the Four Sons
(to the tune of "Clementine")
Said the father to his children,
"At the seder you will dine,
You will eat your fill of matzoh,
You will drink four cups of wine."
Now this father had no daughters,
But his sons they numbered four.
One was wise and one was wicked,
One was simple and a bore.
And the fourth was sweet and winsome,
he was young and he was small.
While his brothers asked the questions
he could scarcely speak at all.
Said the wise one to his father
"Would you please explain the laws?
Of the customs of the seder
Will you please explain the cause?"
And the father proudly answered,
"As our fathers ate in speed,
Ate the paschal lambe 'ere midnight
And from slavery were freed."
So we follow their example
And 'ere midnight must complete
All the seder and we should not
After 12 remain to eat.
Then did sneer the son so wicked
"What does all this mean to you?"
And the father's voice was bitter
As his grief and anger grew.
"If you yourself don't consider
As son of Israel,
Then for you this has no meaning
You could be a slave as well."
Then the simple son said simply
"What is this," and quietly
The good father told his offspring
"We were freed from slavery."
But the youngest son was silent
For he could not ask at all.
His bright eyes were bright with wonder
As his father told him all.
My dear children, heed the lesson
and remember evermore
What the father told his children
Told his sons that numbered four.

 

Not a Virus Problem, but a Chometz Thing
Now is the time to prepare to kasher your computer for Pesach (remember the halakhic decision of the Miekrosovter Rebbe, Velvele ("Vill") Getz that it is prohibited to use a computer on Pesach unless all hametz has been removed).
We introduce ANTI_HAMETZ the software that will purge your files of all non-kosher for Pesach words and allow you to use your computer on Pesach and free you from the obligation to sell it to a gentile.
ANTI_HAMETZ will substitute the word "Matzah" for "bread" and delete all other non-kosher words, substituting asterisks ***.
ANTI_HAMETZ comes in three versions: Kosher, Kitniyot and Gebrocht. All versions are under Rabbinical supervision and bear the hekhsher YK2000.
No one's files are completely hametz free. Look at this seemingly innocuous sentence.
"He has been speaking about the price of flowers bred in Bethlehem."
Here is what Kosher ANTI_HAMETZ will do: He has been speaking about the price of *****s matzah in Bethmatzah.
And Kitniyot ANTI_HAMETZ :
He has ****(1) s***king(2) about the p****(3) of *****s matzah in Bethmatzah.
(1) beans are kitniyot
(2) peas are kitniyot
(3) rice is not eaten on Pesach by Ashkenazim
REJOINDER: Do not base any halakhic decisions on this ad. It is possible that it is only a Purim parody. If you are worried about Hametz in your computer files ask a Rabbi. The most interesting decisions will be given by Rabbis on Purim, especially if they are sufficiently inebriated.
Passover Story
    A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
    Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.
    The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
Seder Pickup Lines
  • Let's make this night really different from all others nights
  • What will you do to me for two zuzim?
  • What's a girl like you doing at a seder like this?
  • If 600,000 people can get taken out, one more couldn't hurt
  • I like my matzo thin, like my women.
  • I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac
  • Nice Hagadah
  • After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford
  • Honey, on this night we are supposed to recline, so let's get to it.
  • Seder? I hardly know her.
  • I bet I could make you sing Dayenu!
  • I could never Pass you Over...
  • Don't call it a bitter herb until you taste it.
  • We were strangers....emphisis on "were"
  • You're a 10 in my haggadah
  • Frogs.....ever kiss a frog?
  • I'm going to have to search you for chometz
  • How's about we go relive the "Darkness" plague up in my room.
  • I'm like one of the four sons; let me show you how wicked I can be.
Cleaning and Cooking
  [Sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favourite things"]

  Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
  Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
  Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
  These are a few of our Passover things.  Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
  Shankbones and Kiddish and Yiddish neuroses
  Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
  These are a few of our Passover things.   Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
  Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
  Matzoh balls floating and eggshell that cling
  These are a few of our Passover things.

  When the plagues strike
  When the lice bite
  When we're feeling sad
  We simply remember our Passover things
  And then we don't feel so bad.

Take Me Out To The Seder
  (To the tune of , of course, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame!")

  Take me out to the Seder
  Take me out with the crowd.
  Feed me on matzah and chicken legs,
  I don't care for the hard-boiled eggs.
  And its root, root, root for Elijah
  That he will soon reappear.
  And let's hope, hope, hope that we'll meet
  Once again next year!

  Take me out to the Seder
  Take me out with the crowd.
  Read the Haggadah
  And don't skip a word.
  Please hold your talking,
  We want to be heard.
  And lets, root, root, root for the leader
  That he will finish his spiel
  So we can nosh, nosh, nosh and by-gosh
  Let's eat the meal!!!

The Eight Nights of Passover:
  (To the tune of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas')

  On the first night of Passover my mother served to me

  1) a matzo ball in chicken soup
  2) two dipped herbs
  3) three pieces of matzah
  4) four cups of wine
  5) five gefilte fish
  6) six capons baking
  7) seven eggs a boiling
  8) eight briskets roasting

Paraoh doesn't Pay
  (To the tune of "I've been Working on the Railroad")

  We've been working on these buildings;
  Pharaoh doesn't pay.
  We've been doing what he tells us
  Mixing straw with clay.
  Can't you hear the master calling,
  "Hurry up, make that brick!"
  Can't you feel the master whip us
  'Til we're feeling sick.  Oy vay, it's a mess,
  A terrible distress,
  Oy vay, it's a mess for Jews, us Jews.   Moshe's in the palace with Pharaoh,
  Warning of all God's clout, clout, clout.
  Moshe's in the palace with Pharaoh,
  And God's gonna get us out!   We're singing . . . .
  Fee, Fi, Fiddely eye oh,
  Make our matzahs "to go" oh oh oh.
  Fee, Fi, Fiddely eye oh,
  Stick it to the ol' Pharaoh!   16. Moses Island
  (Sung to the tune of Gilligan's Island)   Just recline right back and you'll hear a tale,
  a tale of dreadful trip.
  That started with ten awful plagues brought onto Egypt,
  brought unto Egypt.   The boss he was a Jewish man raised as a Pharaoh's son.
  Then G-d he did come calling and soon the fun begun,
  soon the fun begun.   More blood, such frogs, and all those bugs,
  Pharaoh could just barely see.
  The Jews were really scoring points and soon they would be free.
  and soon they would be free.   They shlepped and shlepped for forty years across a desert land.
  He went up to Mt Sinai and a party soon began,
  a party soon began.

  Moses, the Pharaoh too, Aaron and his wife.
  Marianne the skipper too here
  on the desert island.

'Twas the night after Seder
, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The matzah, the farfel, the charoset I ate,
After both the Sedarim, had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked over to shul (less a walk than a lumber), I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The turkey with gravy, the beef nicely rared, The wine and the matzo balls, the Migdal pareve cheese
The way I'd never said, "I've had enough; no more, if you please." As I tied myself into my apron again
I spied my reflection and disgustedly, then
I said to myself, "you're such a weak wimp,"
"You can't show up at shul resembling a blimp!" So--away with the last of the meatballs so sweet,
Get rid of the turkey, chopped liver and meat. Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have any more macaroons from the box,
I can't wait til next week. (Ah, the bagels and lox.) I won't have any luxion, farfel or p'chah,
I'll munch on a carrot or wire shut my own jaw. It's a three day yom tov and shabbas is still
Ahead of me with another fleshiks meal to fulfill.

If I have to cook one more chicken, I think I will riot.
So a zisn pesach to you all and to all a good diet!

The Fifth Question
Wouldn't you think that the person who plans,
The person who changes the pots and pans.
The person who suffers the elbowing crowd,
And brings home the matzo meal, bloody and bowed,
Who battles the butcher, accumulates plates,
And races the clock to those Passover dates.
Who polishes silverware, commandeers chairs,
And goes around muttering "nobody cares".
Who fixes charoset and karpas and eggs,
And winds up with headaches and cramps in her legs.
Wouldn't you think when the matzo is hid,
SHE merits the prize, not some smart-aleck kid?
History of Horseradish
While few of the traditional seder foods trace their origins as far back as matzoh, it should be noted that the lowly horseradish root also crossed the Red Sea with the  fleeing Israelites.

As impoverished slaves, they had access to few vegetables and the hard and woody horseradish was a household staple.While most of the fleeing Israelites carried with them horseradish, there is a story told of one family where, while gathering up their few belongings, discovered that they had no horseradish left in their house. The wife sent her husband into the field to dig up a large horseradish root, but in the darkness and confusion, he unearthed a large ginger root by mistake. The story continues that after forty years of wandering in the desert, the Israelites finally entered the promised  land. But it was another year before the family with the ginger arrived to settle among the rest of the Israelites.

When asked where they had been, the matriarch of the family, now grown old, shrugged and answered, "My husband insisted on taking an alternate root." 

Pesach Lunch 
'A Jewish man took his Pesach lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.  Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this nonsense?" '
 
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