2 Minute Haggadah
Cleaning and Cooking Passover
Here are the halachik issues for Pesach 5777
History of Horseradish
Paraoh doesn't Pay
Passover is Approaching
Passover Story Reported by The NY Times
Pesach in Hebrew School
Not a Virus Problem, but a Chometz Thing
Seder Pickup Lines
|Ten Ways to Tell You've Too Many People at Your Seder|
| 10. You can't find anywhere out of sight to hide the afikomen.
9. To recline while drinking the wine, you all have lean in unison.
8. You have to sketch your living/dining room on graph paper.
7. You have to use a microscope to divvy up the knaidlach.
6. When you rotate the verses of "Echad Mi Yodea?", someone ends up singing "Who knows 39? I know 39."
5. You start looking at ads for closed circuit TV and auxiliary speakers.
4. While waiting for everyone to wash their hands the second time, the matza rises.
3. Even the kids complain that they don't have enough maror.
2. When you recite the names of the ten plagues, the locusts really ring a bell.
1. When Elijah shows up, and you have to give him his wine "to go.
|Some new songs for your Haggadah|
| There's No Seder Like our Seder
(sung to the tune of "There's no Business like Show business")
There's no seder like our seder,
There's no seder I know.
Everything about it is halachic
Nothing that the Torah won't allow.
Listen how we read the whole Haggadah
It's all in Hebrew
'Cause we know how.
There's no Seder like our seder,
We tell a tale that is swell:
Moses took the people out into the heat
They baked the matzoh
While on their feet
Now isn't that a story
That just can't be beat?
Let's go on with the show!
Take Us Out of Egypt
(sung to the tune of "Take me out to the ball game")
Take us out of Egpyt
Free us from slavery
Bake us some matzoh in a haste
Don't worry 'bout flavor--
Give no thought to taste.
Oh it's rush, rush, rush, to the Red Sea
If we don't cross it's a shame
For it's ten plagues,
Down and you're out
At the pesach history game.
(to the tune of "Maria" from W. Side Story)
I just saw the prophet Elijah.
And suddenly that name
Will never sound the same to me.
He came to our seder
He had his cup of wine,
But could not stay to dine
For your message all Jews are waiting:
That the time's come for peace
and not hating--
Next year we'll be waiting.
|Not a Virus Problem, but a Chometz Thing|
is the time to prepare to kasher your computer for Pesach (remember
the halakhic decision of the Miekrosovter Rebbe, Velvele ("Vill")
Getz that it is prohibited to use a computer on Pesach unless all hametz
has been removed).
We introduce ANTI_HAMETZ the software that will purge your files of all non-kosher for Pesach words and allow you to use your computer on Pesach and free you from the obligation to sell it to a gentile.
ANTI_HAMETZ will substitute the word "Matzah" for "bread" and delete all other non-kosher words, substituting asterisks ***.
ANTI_HAMETZ comes in three versions: Kosher, Kitniyot and Gebrocht. All versions are under Rabbinical supervision and bear the hekhsher YK2000.
No one's files are completely hametz free. Look at this seemingly innocuous sentence.
"He has been speaking about the price of flowers bred in Bethlehem."
Here is what Kosher ANTI_HAMETZ will do: He has been speaking about the price of *****s matzah in Bethmatzah.
And Kitniyot ANTI_HAMETZ :
He has ****(1) s***king(2) about the p****(3) of *****s matzah in Bethmatzah.
(1) beans are kitniyot
(2) peas are kitniyot
(3) rice is not eaten on Pesach by Ashkenazim
REJOINDER: Do not base any halakhic decisions on this ad. It is possible that it is only a Purim parody. If you are worried about Hametz in your computer files ask a Rabbi. The most interesting decisions will be given by Rabbis on Purim, especially if they are sufficiently inebriated.
Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat
down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man
came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
|Cleaning and Cooking|
| [Sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favourite things"]
Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
When the plagues strike
|Take Me Out To The Seder|
| (To the tune of , of course, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame!")
Take me out to the Seder
Take me out to the Seder
|The Eight Nights of Passover:|
the tune of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas')
On the first night of Passover my mother served to me
1) a matzo ball in chicken soup
|Paraoh doesn't Pay|
| (To the tune of "I've been Working on the Railroad")
We've been working on these buildings;
Moses, the Pharaoh too, Aaron and his wife.
|'Twas the night after Seder|
|, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The matzah, the farfel, the charoset I ate,
If I have to cook one more chicken, I think I will
|The Fifth Question|
| Wouldn't you think that the person who plans,
The person who changes the pots and pans.
The person who suffers the elbowing crowd,
And brings home the matzo meal, bloody and bowed,
Who battles the butcher, accumulates plates,
And races the clock to those Passover dates.
Who polishes silverware, commandeers chairs,
And goes around muttering "nobody cares".
Who fixes charoset and karpas and eggs,
And winds up with headaches and cramps in her legs.
Wouldn't you think when the matzo is hid,
SHE merits the prize, not some smart-aleck kid?
|History of Horseradish|
few of the traditional seder foods trace their origins as far back as matzoh,
it should be noted that the lowly horseradish root also crossed the Red Sea
with the fleeing Israelites.
As impoverished slaves, they had access to few vegetables and the hard and woody horseradish was a household staple.While most of the fleeing Israelites carried with them horseradish, there is a story told of one family where, while gathering up their few belongings, discovered that they had no horseradish left in their house. The wife sent her husband into the field to dig up a large horseradish root, but in the darkness and confusion, he unearthed a large ginger root by mistake. The story continues that after forty years of wandering in the desert, the Israelites finally entered the promised land. But it was another year before the family with the ginger arrived to settle among the rest of the Israelites.
When asked where they had been, the matriarch of the family, now grown old, shrugged and answered, "My husband insisted on taking an alternate root."
|'A Jewish man took his Pesach lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this nonsense?" '|
|revised Apr 12, 2017|
Israeli History in a Nutshell
World Wide Jewish Publications
History of Israel
All Things Jewish
Jewish Communities of the World